Al Sensu's HARD AND FAST

how zep got me my first feel of tit

2011-03-18T20:57:00.001-06:00

During my senior year of high school, I had a steady girlfriend who was a year behind me. She was gorgeous, with long black hair and a great figure. But when the school year ended, she gave me back my class ring and said she didn't want to go steady for the summer. I was crushed. We didn't see each other all summer, but stayed in touch. Back in the day, that meant by phone.

I lacked the confidence to approach girls at the beach or wherever, so there was no romantic action all summer. But nonetheless I had a good time, working as a messenger during the week, taking the bus to the beach on the weekend, hanging out with friends and smoking dope at night, listening to Hendrix, Cream, Led Zeppelin and Moby Grape alone in my room with headphones on.

During our year together, girlfriend and I had some nice makeout sessions, but anytime I tried to touch her breasts (and I definitely didn’t try touching certain other places), she gently pushed my hand away. I was so horny, I did anything I could to have (clothed) contact between my dick and her body. At seventeen, I was amazingly uninformed about sex; I just knew I had urges. I wasn’t even smart enough to figure out about masturbating, so consider how desperate I must have been! I actually orgasmed a couple of times during these sessions. I don’t remember the sensation, but just being aware that I had ejaculated and needed to do something about the sticky wetness in my pants.

In September of 1970, still seventeen, I started my freshman year of college. Now that I was a college man, my girlfriend was interested again. I was wary.

But Led Zeppelin was coming to town, so I bought tickets and on September 19, girlfriend and I went to Madison Square Garden. She wasn’t really a hard rock fan, but I think she found live Zep as mesmerizing as I did. As they launched into tunes from their second album such as Moby Dick and Whole Lotta Love, we launched into a serious makeout session.

I began caressing her breasts and she didn’t push my hand away. Was she really into it? Had her hormones kicked in? Or did she just think that she needed to “give” more now that I was in college? I’ll never know.

I slid my hand under her blouse and continued rubbing her tits over her bra. Eventually we returned our full attention to the music. It was a fantastic concert and included tunes from the third album, which was released the following month.

That was our last date. In November, I met a twenty-year-old college junior at a school event and all of a sudden, my sixteen-year-old girlfriend seemed very young. Before the year was out, I had made serious progress in my sexual education.

Schools & Strip Clubs

2010-08-31T17:24:00.003-06:00

A couple of interesting posts on Daily Dish recently about the educational pursuits of strippers.

My first strip club experience was at the RazzMaTazz is Seattle, where between ear-licking grindup dances, the young lady talked about the college courses she was taking.

Later, an older friend, whose strip club experience was of a different era, scoffed. But I figured it made sense to earn tuition and rent bucks this way -- part time, flexible hours, good pay.

My subsequent experience proved it true, as a good number of the ladies who have entertained me over the years were working toward their degrees. I'll admit it is surreal to alternate between intelligent conversation and having your hard-on worked over, but I like it.

Here are the posts: [1] [2]

It's Kinda Fun Being Orange

2010-08-04T07:10:00.002-06:00

Why so many men in the New York area have orange dicks.

I'm a Peeping Tom

2010-08-03T15:58:00.008-06:00

OK, I'm not looking into the girls' changing room like I got caught doing in summer camp at age 10. But what is a man doing on a blog tour for Fast Girls: Erotica for Women? It feels somewhat voyeuristic.

My qualifications? I've always had a sensitive side. I like to have my nipples sucked. More women than men are fans of my erotic stories. Oh hell, who needs to be qualified? I just wanted to read some hot stuff by and for women. Is that so wrong?

Rachel Kramer Bussel brings us another great compilation of short erotic fiction. These run the gamut from romantic to raw.

The first employs a standard fantasy: The housewife and the young gardener/pool guy/contractor. But when guys think about that one, it's all about them. In Temptation, Kayla Perrin has her young Miguel tell the woman, "Come in my mouth." That's a role reversal that even has me squirming happily.

In Five-Minute Porn Star, Jacqueline Applebee's couple rekindle their dormant love life by enacting another standard fantasy, the handyman and the housewife, with a pleasantly funny and happy ending.

Music and erotica form the focus of Waiting for Beethoven by Susie Hara, where the story within the story becomes...the story. And it is steaming hot.

One theme that runs though several stories is the older woman and younger man. In Let's Dance by D.L. King, she has a lot of fun playing nice games with the "cute boy." He's a good learner too.

A Lesbian bar in Provincetown is the starting point for Tristan Taormino's wrenching and lovely Winter Summer.

And now for my favorite passage. It's the opener for Married Life by Charlotte Stein:

I'm so horny I could fuck anything. That guy with the weird hair and the nervous hands - I could fuck him. I could fuck his peach-haired girlfriend, too. And is that his mother with them? Throw her in while you're at it.

From standard fantasies well explored to totally original and surprising plots, the twenty stories in Fast Girls were a pleasure - and I mean pleasure - to read.

Every Single (and Married) One

2010-07-15T13:37:00.000-06:00

All men watch porn, scientists find

Venus deBooty

2010-05-24T13:01:00.003-06:00

I don't watch a lot of tennis, but generally catch the last round or two of the majors. I admire Venus Williams as a player. But have to admit I also enjoy seeing her oft-erect nipples while playing. At the French open, she's done something to move our attention elsewhere.

Please, Sir

2010-05-03T18:52:00.005-06:00

A number of years ago, I had the unique experience of a girlfriend saying to me, "I want to be your sex slave." I had never engaged in any BDSM. My sex life until then was pure vanilla. I am an ardent feminist who participated in the equal rights protest of August 26, 1970.

So the thought of physically subjugating a woman should have been troubling to me. Yet it wasn't. I guess the difference is that it was her choice. We proceeded to enjoy a couple of years of bondage, spanking, nipple clamps, rape scenarios and more. Eventually the relationship ended for the usual reasons.

I'm a guy who had never hit a woman. Hell, I've never hit a man. I am peaceful and mellow. Yet I took to this quite naturally. I called her horrible names, hit her face, breasts and butt, forced myself on her orally and otherwise. Kept her blindfolded and lashed to a beam in her garage while I waited and teased. She was scared. She cried. She came, powerfully. So did I for that matter. It's certainly made me think about the roles of men and women, the common unconscious and all that.

Rachel Kramer Bussel's collection, Please Sir, Erotic Stories of Female Submission, contains 22 stories by women. I love reading about submission from the woman's point of view. I don't know if voluntary female submission is more common than it once was, or if we're just in a more enlightened age when it's OK to write about it, and sometimes even OK to tell your friends. Either way, I am enjoying this collection because it gives me insights to how and why women want to submit, and it makes me hard as hell.

So while I think these stories were written primarily for women, I strongly encourage men to read them. Especially if you're BDSM-curious, or just intrigued. The stories are beautifully written (of course, Rachel selected them), funny at times and unvaryingly hot. Both through the stories themselves and the act of reading them and being aroused, you realize the power of the word, the idea to arouse the strongest desires a person can know.

Here are a few excerpts to whet your whistle, so to speak:

"I honestly feel like I might come right there in my mother's dining room in the soft glow of white Christmas lights under the sharp and critical gaze of distant relatives.The thought alone nearly trips me into orgasm."

"I wanted him to throw me down, ram his cock into me and fuck me hard, take full control of me, of him of -- everything."

"Enough suction? Too much in the way of teeth? You can tell her, you know. Whatever you want, she'll do it."

Follow the virtual book tour for Please Sir to see what others have to say here.

My Kind of Woman

2010-03-05T05:16:00.002-07:00

From Craigslist Montreal:

Looking for an average guy for average sex

Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis.

I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.

Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested).

I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, brain damaged, or both.

PostingID: 1443322973

Phoning It In

2010-02-28T21:46:00.005-07:00

I only tried paid phone sex once, many years ago. I didn't find it particularly interesting or satisfying, and I don't think it was the provider's fault. It just didn't work for me.

Some years after that during a period when I was occasionally forming a threesome with a married couple, one time I called the wife and she answered the phone while she and hubby were screwing, which they did every single day. She proceeded to describe what was going on and brought me into the room with them, virtually. That worked. I started masturbating and had a massive orgasm as did both of them, judging from the sounds they made.

Here is a great web piece on phone sex providers.

This Ad Got Me Laid

2010-02-20T17:57:00.003-07:00

It was 1992, and back then the way personal ads worked in many places was that you could place the ad for free in the local weekly alternative papers, but to respond to the ad you had to call a 900 number, so it cost money. This was, for all practical purposes, before the internet.

I got two responses to this ad, and both resulted in sexual encounters. I've written about them here and here.

The bra saved my life!

2010-02-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

Who's Moaning Now?

2010-02-04T09:01:00.005-07:00

I love to watch hand job videos. I really am not a fan of the facial ending which seems so popular. What I like is a HJ taken to conclusion by the woman (in nearly all facials, the man takes over to finish himself off). I find it exciting for a woman to do a hand job to completion whether I'm experiencing it myself or watching on the computer (the former being preferable, of course). I love to see a volcanic eruption, the kind which I'm less capable of producing now that I'm older.

But I've noticed in most of these videos, the men are silent except for perhaps a throaty exhalation at the end, while the woman is moaning and chirping as if it were she receiving the stimulation. While I know a woman can get turned on by turning on her man, this over the top vocalization makes no sense at all, and causes me to turn off the sound. I understand verbal encouragement helps, but moaning like they do on these videos is just silly.

Glendale, Colorado, Home of The Best Chamber of Commerce Christmas Party Ever!

2010-01-09T13:03:00.007-07:00

Glendale is a small enclave completely surrounded by Denver. Featured landmarks are the oldest building in greater Denver, a sports park that hosts professional rugby, a Super Target, two strip clubs and a sex products store.

The sports park includes a nice events center, and you'd think that might be a good place for the Glendale Chamber of Commerce to hold its annual Christmas party. But no. They have it in the VIP Lounge of the Penthouse Club.

Is that a bulge in your pants, Ryan, or are you just happy to be a Chamber member?

Evidence of What?

2009-12-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

Paying by the Inch

2009-12-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

From a great blog, Not Always Right:

(I am selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.)

Me: “So it’s between the 32 and the 36 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”

Wife: “I would!”

Merry Christmas from Hard & Fast

2009-12-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Hanukkah!

2009-12-11T18:57:00.001-07:00

From Fleshbot:

Tonight's the first night of Chanukah, and as Members of the Tribe everywhere know, it's not a Jewish holiday unless you're eating something. Latkes, doughnuts, pussy—as long as it's covered in oil, we'd like to eat it, please.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2009-12-09T08:48:00.009-07:00

The recent news about Tiger Woods caused my wife and me to recall a pact we made early on in our marriage regarding possible infidelity: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

We decided that if either of us should have sex outside of marriage, the other didn't want to know about it. We weren't putting a value judgment on it, or even saying we felt OK if the other had an affair. As a matter of fact, the reason for this agreement was the assumption that it wouldn't feel OK to the other partner. But unlike proponents of abstinence-only education, we are realistic enough to believe that knowing something is wrong doesn't prevent you from doing it.

Frankly, I don't believe that having sex outside of marriage is necessarily wrong. If it's a one-time thing, pleasurable, and done with a measure of safety, it's like having a nice dinner. But I don't want to have a picture in my mind of my wife doing it with someone else. I'd rather just not know.

So there are some requirements that go with this policy:

Practice safer sex. That is an absolute requirement which, if violated, would require disclosure to the spouse.

If you feel guilty, you must not let it show. It is your problem, and not one to be relieved by "confessing."

Be smart about concealing this activity as regards your voice and electronic communications.

Be smart about doing it in a way that won't raise suspicions or cause an innocent question that has a guilty reaction. Best solution is not to do it in your home town.

Realize that a one-nighter is one thing, an ongoing affair is another. The latter will likely be harmful to your marriage in one or more ways: An affair is a relationship that competes with your marriage for your emotional attention as well as time. It can affect your performance at work. And a lover spurned is likely to let your wife know, or broadcast the news via social media or by just telling a lot of people. (And it only gets worse if you're well-known!)

Even if you don't have an agreement with your spouse or partner, if you do have sex outside of your committed relationship and wish not to harm that relationship, these requirements still apply.

Louis Abolafia

2009-10-23T01:00:00.005-06:00

Louis Abolafia was well known to New Yorkers in the late 1960s, an integral part of the New York and San Francisco hippie anti-war movements and general troublemaker.

He was a participant in the International Psychedelic Exposition, held in 1967. The catalog describes the exhibition as follows:

The purposes of the First International Psychedelic Exposition are manifold. On one level we hope to give the general public a glimpse of the psychedelic world and the beautiful creations it has inspired. On another level we hope that open and forthright exposition of psychedelic phenomena by the people it has inspired will facilitate communication between those who are somewhat fearful of the mind expansion experience and those who have had the experience and found a method to present what they found most worthwhile, be it through music, art, visual techniques, or group events."

The catalog also promoted "a common drug available to anyone with $5.00 to spare - lysergic acid diethylamide". Yes, LSD was then legal.

Louis Abolafia was the founder and father of the Exotic Erotic Ball. From its web site:

"Known as the King of Hippies and the man who coined the phrase "Make Love Not War," he felt nudity and love were better expressions than war and oppression. This couldn't be truer today, and so we continue to celebrate his dream with music, feasting, fun, nudity (or close to it) and love for all.

In the beginning there was Louis Abolafia and his good friend Perry Mann. They made their dwellings in the Land by the Bay. One day, Louis approached Perry and said: "I want to run for President. I will be the candidate from the Nudist Party. Will you help me do this?" Perry responded: "Please tell me, Louis, why is it that you wish to run for President under the Nudist Party?" Louis responded: "It is because I have absolutely nothing to hide." Perry smiled and said: "Then I will help you."

To help finance Louis' candidacy, Perry created an event that celebrated freedom, the right to choose, and the right to be as one chooses to be. This is widely known as freedom of expression. People came to the event Perry created in the land by the Bay to experience this freedom of expression, and they rejoiced. And the Exotic Erotic Ball was born."

The ball celebrates its 30th anniversary tomorrow, and I just wanted to remember Louis and his wonderful spirit.

Ah, the taste of Lysol!

2009-08-28T09:20:00.002-06:00

Sugasm #170

2009-08-05T22:19:00.001-06:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #171? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

The fundamental things apply…

“If you can’t fuck me with your mouth, how are you going to handle fucking all of me at once?”

Perfection

“Patiently, he took his time touching me here and there.”

The Study Date (Sugarbutch Star: Green-Eyed Girl)

“I bet she’s already wet.”

Sugasm Editor

Wardrobe Malfunction

Editor’s Choice

3a.m. Vulnerability

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

Erotic Writing & Experiences

Adventures in Swingland

Cum Dump

A First Lesson

Getting Her in the Mood and the Violet Panties

Great Blowjob in the Tub

A Honey Dream Come True

Making Magic

Object of Desire

Parker Chase

Satisfaction

Slick

Tease.

There’s This Hallway In This Bar Thats Just Right

News, Reviews & Interviews

LELO Iris

Princess by RubyGlass21

Review: Inner Vibe Duet

Top Five Tuesday - Sweet Treats

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Almost Demure

Bijou | Bootsie

FF: New camera!

Hard Caning Pictures

HNT – July 23rd, 2009

Jessica Simpson Poking Nipples at Golf with Tiger Woods

Panty Photo for Adult Women

Sunlight Follows Me

Sex Work

Kyra’s Chysalis

BDSM & Fetish

BDSM Toy Review: Scott Paul Humiliator Gag

Dear #16

Fear

Needles

Never Caned Before

Never Too Much

Not-So-Vanilla

Paddling – Must be happen

The Poolbou’s Education, Pt. 1

Rack scenes

Seriously?

Urgency

Sex Humor

Some Coke and A Smile

Vibrator Perspective. Confession #305

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Chemistry

Damp Down Under

Why No, It’s Not LBD

Kyra's Chrysalis

2009-07-10T22:10:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, before the internet, it was difficult to learn about sexual services and the like. In the late 80s I entered a period of regular visits to strip clubs and massage parlors. But with no ready reviews, it was hit and miss, especially as a lot of this happened when I was traveling the country on business, so I couldn't avail myself of local word of mouth.

But my first and most regular erotic massage experience was at Kyra's Chrysalis in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I'm sure I found out about it through their coded ads in newspaper classifieds. I remember calling the first time, not knowing how it all worked or what to expect, and I was read the menu. Intrigued by "Bubble Bath Surprise" I made a reservation and headed over.

Kyra's was in a private home in this very touristy town. But it was totally discreet, and I believe it lived off of local clientele rather than tourists. Kyra herself was a remarkable woman, a psychic who performed past life regressions as well as managing her rub-n-tug business. She was warm and welcoming and considered the service she and her ladies were providing a sacred enterprise.

The women who worked there were not hotties. They were mostly single mothers. Certainly they were attractive enough, but it was their personalities and approach to the work that made visiting Kyra's such a pleasure. They provided an outlet for many unsatisfied married men.

The Bubble Bath Surprise was a 45-minute session. It began with the bubble bath, with your chosen lady in lingerie washing you all over. Then to the massage table. The women at Kyra's could deliver a decent Swedish massage. On the flip they would go topless and there might be a little body to body contact. But this was closer to therapeutic massage with a happy ending then it was to something more overtly sexual. Pretty tame by today's standards.

And yet it was exactly what I needed at the time. A fun, "clean," guiltless, sensual experience and release provided by a nice lady. And the price was amazingly reaosnable, even for twenty years ago: $45 plus tip. The tip was not spoken of, negotiated on, or a condition of the hand release. When the session was over, you could tip if you wanted. I always tipped $40 and thought I was being pretty generous, and I think by their reactions the ladies agreed.

Eventually, Old Orchard passed a law against hand jobs and Kyra was run out of town. She relocated at least twice in different towns in the Portland area, but eventually disappeared.

If anyone knows what happened to Kyra, please comment here. I want her to know, along with Linda, Amber and the other ladies, how wonderful their service was and how much it was appreciated.

Advice: Threesome Wish

2009-06-30T22:51:00.001-06:00

Q:
Am i wrong for wanting to have sex with a girl and my future husband.

A:
Nothing wrong with it. And I'd like to find the guy who would object to this.

But if you are really thinking of doing it, rather than just having it as a fantasy, know that it is playing with fire. Things can go wrong. Like he doesn't like seeing you have sex with another girl as much as he thought he would. Or you don't want a full 3-some, where he does it with the other. Or he does, but then you regret it. On the other hand, lots of folks do this and everyone's happy.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Advice: Is porn more important than me?

2009-06-23T22:43:00.001-06:00

Q:
OK so i met a girl at a bar one night i got her number we had sex that morning.
we hit it off pretty good going camping and out to bars all the time on weekends.
we talked about love and kids and moving out together (she stayed in the basement of grandma's kinda like her own place she paid rent) and i stayed there for most of the almost 6 months we were together.

well she found out i was looking up porn on her computer she was angry asked me not to do it on her computer. i said OK and promised not to do it again and so she found out i did again happened 4 times to b exact. the third time was her b-day and we broke up and she took me back but said if i did it again we were done.

obviously i did it again and now she will hardly talk to me been 3 months since it happened. i cant sleep, eat, or think right. we argued for quite awhile and finally she said it wasn't love it was her just wanting to party and me just wanting to fuck.
well what do i do?

i know we were right for each other but she cant get over that.please please help me

A:
Hey buddy, I have no issues with porn, but she did. And it was her computer. If you wouldn't stop, obviously the porn was more important to you than she was.

I don't believe what she told you however, because if this relationship was just about partying she wouldn't be so put out about the porn. She'd be annoyed for sure, and so would I if you kept doing something on my property I asked you not to.

I think first you need to address your porn addiction, because that's what it is. You may want to try therapy.

Then you can try going back to her and tell her that you've worked on your problem.

Advice: They put sex back in the closet

2009-06-18T22:39:00.000-06:00

Q:
My wife and I have a very active sex life. We have never had any problems getting the job done, even with 5 kids! We tend to go out on "dates" and retreat to a hotel room as a "vacation" once in a while. When we cant do that, we resort to the "Minute man sex" in the closet!! We've ALWAYS made time for sex whether it is romantic or wham bam thank you ma'm. My question is:

We have watched our share of videos. (Porn). And lately, we have watched videos with woman coming to a squirting orgasm. I have to tell you, my wife has a very very sensitive clit. All you have to do is blow on it and shes writhing! She has never had a squirting orgasm and Ive only made one woman squirt in my life. Is there something I could do to help her squirt or is it just one of those things that may or may not happen? Would LOVE to be able to make her do that if I could.

A:
Congrats on keeping the passion alive!

Squirting ability varies among women, and my guess is in real life it's less common than in porn. As I wrote recently, Google "female ejaculation" and you'll find lots on the subject.

Advice: More Trouble Cumming

2009-06-13T22:36:00.000-06:00

Q:
I am going through a divorce where she left me for another woman stating that we got married too young. We were married for 29 years. In that time we had a very inadequate sex life due to her issues with weight. My question is that now I have a girlfriend and I really please her. She can' believe That I can keep it
hard for hours and can go all weekend. The problem is that I don't cum and this has never been a problem before. I do ejaculate when I masturbate however. Any suggestions?

A:
You're not alone. Click on the tag below or on the sidebar for "trouble cumming" and you'll see how I've responded to others with this issue.

Advice: Aunt Fantasies

2009-06-08T22:31:00.000-06:00

Q:
I live with my aunt who is very seductive with out actually doing anything , I can not get aroused when she is not around and it is torture , she will be home soon and Im considering what would happen if she completed my orgasm with either her hands or her gorgeous feet . Im sure she would want me too not be in pain , and im just curious . I think it will get it out of my system ,plus I am the not approaching the situation , Maybe you can suggest a way to start , I am also completely ok with her watching me massage it while she curls her toes , I might not have m,uch time left on this earth , Id like a pleasureable expierience , also why doesnt it get hard when she is not around ?

A:
You ought to get together with the girl who had a crush on her uncle.

You don't say anything about how old you are and how old your aunt is or why you are living with her. My advice is similar as to that girl: fantasize if you must, butlook elsewhere.

Advice: Gotta Love Giving Head

2009-06-03T22:27:00.000-06:00

Q:
Is it just me, or is there a serious double standard surrounding fellatio/cunnilingus? Giving guys head has become so standard that any girl who doesn't do it is considered a repressed prude - which does make sense. But it seems to me that guys who don't go down on girls are treated much more kindly. And if they do, they consider it some kind of freaking accomplishment, rather than the equal counterpart to fellatio. Bullshit reasons such as "surface area" and the penis being "more aesthetically pleasing" than the vagina are of course given.

I have had guys tell me that they enjoy giving me head because it gives me pleasure, but that they don't enjoy it physically. To me this seems awful, basically the equivalent of saying "Well, I'll do this thing because I'm SUCH an amazing lover, but in actual fact your cunt disgusts me." A good lover must love all of my body; if anything, he should love my cunt MORE than anything else. When I am getting head, I want to know he loves the way my cunt smells, tastes and feels, that he would do it just for the sake of how it feels to him. This grudging shit is not cool.

Are you with me? I hope one day women's bodies may be seen as the beautiful miracles that they are. It is time for some freaking liberation!

A:
I'm with you 100%.

Guys, pay attention.

Advice: The Cuckold Fantasy Again!

2009-05-28T22:20:00.000-06:00

Q:
Over the last couple of years I have been obsessing about imagining my wife with another man. We have never really considered it and will probably never do it but I always fantasize about it. We even incorporate it into our lovemaking. Kind of like the scene from the movie Sideways. She plays along with it and makes up stories about being with other men while I'm at work and so on. She has been a good sport about it.
When alone I sometimes even masturbate to the thought of it. I never used to do this, it would have never crossed my mind. I can't explain why that is. But, it is probably my strongest fantasy arousal. Is this normal? What does it mean? Please help. I am starting to worry.

A:
People always want to know "is this normal." Please don't worry about normal. There is no normal.

At this point you haven't complicated matters by wanting to act on the fantasy. There would be nothing wrong with it per se, but it would be playing with fire.

If your wife is OK with this as she seems to be (actually she may be loving it), just enjoy the fantasy.

Advice: Joe College Wants to Know...

2009-05-24T22:13:00.003-06:00

Q:
I'm currently a standard, everyday 19 year old living at college. To get it off my chest right now, I'm still a virgin. That fact does not particularly bother me, because I abhor the standard college rituals of getting drunk per weekend and then have sex with some random person you were hitting on afterwards. I would so much rather be actually able to remember it!

Problem is, over the last couple of months, I've become closer and closer with several women I know. I haven't really "dated" in a year or two, and my previous relationships ended without much in the way of intimacy at all. I have considered asking them out on a night date, and one hinted at me staying over her dorm room...I'm not assuming, but if she offers I'll be a little intimidated.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've occasionally had a problem of cumming without reaching anything nearly close to what I remember as an orgasm when I masterbate. It's like I can't keep my mind off of finishing and I lose it physically before that mental feel-good buzz sets in. I'm utterly terrified that when I finally do get to that special moment, something won't work or I may experience problems like that. I also don't want my partner to think it was their fault. To make matters worse, I'm not really sure if I have too much pubic hair or not. I've tried to consider whether or not a girl would be turned off due to it or not, but I never worked up the courage to speak to any friends about what they do to control it. Shave it? It kind of worries me.

A:
Your fears are natural. As such, I think you'd be best trying to get into a dating situation where the possibility of sex is not so immediate, so that you really start to know the girl and begin forming emotional intimacy. That way, when you start moving toward a sexual relationship, you can first talk honestly about your desires and fears. She may have them too. And it's good to mutually lower expectations so you can just experience and learn. Rather than just "going for it" progress toward having sex, just like we did in olden days.

As to the pubic hair thing, all I know is that the trend among younger folks is to either shaving or trimming, but it's not for everyone. Again, if you develop a real relationship, it's something you can talk about, but I wouldn't do anything about it now. Some people still prefer the natural look.

Advice: What they don't tell you when you're young

2009-05-21T22:08:00.002-06:00

Q:
I am older and have a small amount of ejaculate when I cum. Is there a drug or preparation which will increase the amount? Is there an exercise to accomplish the same thing?

We have sex every week but my ejaculations are much less satisfying.

A:
Ah, an age old problem, or old age I guess. I've addressed this before.

I wish I understood why this matters to us. My climaxes feel better than they did when I was younger, and there is no direct relationship to orgasmic intensity and ejaculation.

Try some of the recommended supplements, but otherwise, just relax, close your eyes and enjoy the ride.

Advice: Getting Out

2009-05-18T22:04:00.003-06:00

Q:
How 2 get it on with a friend w/o outing yourself as being gay if he isn't into it.

A:
Tough one. Yet another good reason to not be in the closet. I can't think of a way to approach this without outing yourself. If he's a real friend, tell him the truth about yourself and see what happens. Then you can decide whether to let him know you're interested in more than friendship.

Advice: Why has our sex life changed?

2009-05-15T21:56:00.003-06:00

Q:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now, but this past year we decided to move in together. At first the sex was great and we did it all the time. But now he barely ever wants sex. He does ask for blowjobs alot, however is never willing to reciprocate. How can I make him interested in sex again??

A:
You need to talk to him about what's going on, or in this case what's not going on. Guys don't like to talk, but it's necessary in this case.

He may be distracted by problems at work, he may not be attracted to you anymore, he may be having an affair, he may regret moving in with you. Since he's still horny, it's probably not a medical thing.

You can't make him be interested in sex again, but perhaps you can help him to. Or at least find out why he's changed.

If he won't open up, next time he asks for e BJ, say "no" but you'd love to have sex with him. If he turns that down, that doesn't tell you why he's changed, but it does tell you just what you're left with.

Advice: Can I get a Squirt?

2009-05-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

Q:
how do u get a lady to produce the golden showers????

A:
I think you have your terminology wrong. Golden shower refers to urination, which is easy for anyone to do, if you're into that kind of thing.

I think you're talking about female ejaculation. It's kinda more up to her than you. If you're with someone who wants to learn how to do it -- and it doesn't work for everyone -- Google "female ejaculation" and you'll find lots on the subject. But I think you've just been watching too much YouPorn.

Advice: She's Never Climaxed

2009-05-09T21:44:00.004-06:00

Q:
Here is my problem. Me and my girlfriend have been sexually active since we started dating about a year ago. Also she has never ever had an orgasm, not with me or anyone, not even with herself. I have tried so hard to give her the pleasure she gives me but I just seem to fall short. I personally think that I am to blame, my penis is kind of short and I always orgasm to quickly. What should I do?

A:
Considering she has never orgasmed, you're taking a lot on yourself. Of course it's not your fault. She needs to learn how to orgasm and there are plenty of resources on the internet. As well, she may need some specialized therapy. And there can always be a physiological cause.

Get her to Google "learning how to orgasm" and she'll find a wealth of articles and book suggestions.

My question to you is whether she is very frustrated when you have sex, or seems to be enjoying it and just doesn't climax? My advice is for you not to concentrate on her orgasm until she learns about specific exercises you can help her with, and just concentrate on giving her sensual pleasure. Everyone knows how to receive that. And if you both relax into it, who knows, something good may happen.

Advice: How Dry I Am, How Wet I'll Be

2009-05-06T21:34:00.003-06:00

Q:
I have been married with my husband for 9 years. My problem is that I can only orgasm once during intercourse, which I know is okay considering that not all can have it and must fake it. But the thing is, once I do cum, I start to get dry which could get quite painful since my husband hasn't cum yet and won't for quite sometime. And most often, I cum very early during sex. I don't know what to do? Please help.

A:
Try stopping the intercourse for a moment and lubing up. There are plenty of products on the market available at the drugstore or online you can try. I personally like Slippery Stuff. That should make it more comfortable for you and actually better for him. Might even make him cum faster.

If that doesn't work, try to convince him to cum some other way. Like in all porn, the finish is through some combination of hand and mouth work. You could star in your own porn fantasy!

Also, some other position might be better. But in any case, you need lubrication and if it doesn't come naturally, that why God made artificial lubes.

Sin Chew Indeed!

2009-05-05T23:48:00.001-06:00

A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.

The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ.

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.

The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

“On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.

Sugasm #164

2009-05-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

HNT courtesy of Thursdays Child Has Far To Go.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #165? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Confessional: Breaking the Girl

“And that’s why I’ll love it, that’s what will fuel me to dig deeper.”

Does Art imitate Life or Life Art?

“We were experimental and conventional and some times both in the same round of sex. ”

It burns…

“And this is no sweet kissing”

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Honesty: Fetish Fridays: Teabagging

Editor’s Choice

Light Me Up Right

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex News, Reviews, and Interviews

Champagne Giveaway: Lesbian Hospital 2 from Girlfriends Films

O’my Caramel Lubricant

Sex Advice

Advice: I Can’t Cum in There

Delayed Ejaculation - The Flip Side of Premature Ejaculation

Gettin’ Busy Goin’ Green

How to Get the Best Orgasm

BDSM & Fetish

Annie Wersching: I’d Beat

Cousins in pigtails

Get painfull paddle over the table

Out of the Past, Toward the Future

The Slit Dream

Submission and Orgasms

Sex Humor

Question Time!

Singing disco and squealing with (good) pain

Erotic Writing and Experiences

The Canvas

Diary of a Futa - Marny’s Journal

Fairy Time

The Games We Play

I Love His Cock

Kiev kink

Love letter to a memory.

Ms. Robinson

My slutty little girl.

The Overnight. Finale (Dildos)

Perks of the Job

Silence

Three

A Three Way with Adonis

Sex & Politics

The FatGirl Pervert Rants.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Brothers… and Sisters

For The Single Male

My Little Secrets or Things I Don’t Tell the Boys

A quick note on pets.

She Got-I Got

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Angel in the midst

Croatia Football Babe - Body Painting

Lysa is au natural

New Cuckold MP3

Pure Pleasure

Vulnerable HNT

Wild animal set free

Advice: Is she diddling herself with thoughts of me?

2009-05-03T21:22:00.003-06:00

Q:
Basically what I’m asking is: you know how guys see a girl “like at school, work, etc” and masturbate thinking about having sex with them!? Just wondering if women do the same (masturbate in private about a co-worker they see everyday, a boy at school, etc? If I would like to “think” that one does is there anyway to know? Like asking a question? Seeing a reaction? Was just always curious. Like could a girl at work be masturbating off thinking about me while in private?

A:
It certainly happens, but from the women I've known that I could talk about such stuff with, and from what I've read, women are somewhat less likely to sexually fantasize about people they know than men are. I think they are more likely than men to fantasize about celebrities. Other than that, like us, they may fantasize about someone they make up or saw on the street or in the subway.

And I understand your curiosity. Wouldn't it be interesting to know if someone was masturbating to visions of you?

Sex Advice: Is he still attracted to me?

2009-04-30T21:08:00.003-06:00

Q:
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 8. I'm 35 and he's 38. He had an affair, but I did not find out about it until after it ended. We've been through marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better, but he blurted out recently that this just wasn't working for him and he can't make me happy. I'm thinking this is preposterous as I enjoy being with my husband, I enjoy having sex with him, and I really enjoy our life. Could he be more attentive and affectionate? Sure, but so can most guys right? After a lot of tears and conversation, he says he wants us to work.

My problem is this...he spends a lot of time online looking at various types of porn, erotic stories, and personal ads and then says he's not attracted to me any more. How can he be? I don't look anything like the girls he looks at online. I'm not a stick, but I'm not a cow either. He's not fat by any means, but he is very out of shape, so he really doesn't have any room to criticize. In addition, it's not only heterosexual porn he's looking at...he's really interested in transsexual porn as well as gay male porn. Most of the personal ads he looks at are for transsexuals and gay men.

He swears he's not gay - his affair was with a woman - but I'm thinking he has some serious issues. I love him and I don't want to end my marriage, but I feel like I've been living in limbo for nearly a year now and I don't know what to do.

A:
You're right...he does have serious issues.

I look at lots of porn with younger, firmer women. My wife doesn't look like them, and in reality I don't wish to be with them. Fantasizing about having sex with them does not make me less attracted to my wife. And yeah, I've put on a few pounds myself, so I get your point! It sounds cliche, but your husband may be in the throes of mid-life crisis. Unfortunately for many, the only result is they go off in search of nubile young things and either find them or not, but very often come crawling back to their wives.

As to the fascination with gay and tran porn and personals, it could be just curiosity, but as a totally straight man with no issues with people who are different, I can't imagine looking at that stuff. Why? At best, it doesn't interest me and at worst, well, I just don't want to see that. Thus, my opinion is he is not 100% on the straight end of the scale and may want to try it out. I have a good friend from high school whose husband is a little bi, and she has come to terms with the fact that he will sometimes feel the need to act on it. They've stayed married, and mostly happily, for more than 30 years. She doesn't like this aspect of him, but has accepted it.

So if he "he wants us to work" he needs to work at it. And part of that is being honest with himself and with you about what his desires, needs and attractions are. And whether he truly is no longer attracted to you, because that could be a deal-killer. I strongly recommend couples therapy, and I think he could use some individual therapy as well.

Advice: Sex Toys for Larger Folks

2009-04-27T21:00:00.003-06:00

Q:
we have been married over thirty yrs. nature has taken its course and i have some health issues. but we keep trying anyway. my question is that we are two large people and we need any info an sexual toys and strap-ons that will help us be all that we can be. we both love sex to its full extent. she loves dildos that are a little more real and i have become a little partial to toys myself. basically we need to know if a company somewhere makes toys for the larger people of this earth,strapon sizes are to small. can you help us.

A:
Good for you! I'm afraid I don't know if there's a sex toy source specializing in bigger stuff. My advice is to try Good Vibrations. They have great customer service and if they don't have what you need, they probably know who does. They are totally sex-positive and you should feel very comfortable talking with them openly about your needs.

Advice: Never trust the guy on the radio

2009-04-24T20:57:00.001-06:00

Q:
Hey! How re you doing? I heard a radio Dj say masturbation can cause blindness and impotence.how true is ths statement?

A:
I've known many DJs personally, so I know better than to trust what they say. Not true. It only causes warts.

Advice: Heart Out of Luck

2009-04-21T20:46:00.000-06:00

Q:
I am recently divorced and after 11 years, admittedly out of touch with the dating scene. Once I get started, I don't seem to have a problem keeping things going with compatible women. My problem is in meeting new women.

When I am in public and find a woman attractive, I glance, if intrigued, I look. If the look is returned, I'll give the smile and nod, waiting for some similar acknowledgment. All else being equal, I'll make an approach, introduce myself, and ask for something simple, a meeting for a coffee, a bagel, once even popcorn at the refreshment stand. When I first started working, moving into dating after college, all of this was rather acceptable, and usually worked. Now, I either get polite refusals (which I understand, and graciously accept) or - more frequently - looks like I am a possible stalker and some awkward acknowledgement of my presence.

Have times changed so radically that we can't trust others on a basic level? I'm not a bad looking guy, usually moderately well dressed. Is there a vibe I'm sending out, or are people just so used to online dating that it is now wrong to find attraction to someone in public and ask to get to know them? How is an older single guy supposed to find new dating partners when most of life consists of single contact meetings?

A:
I got single in middle age and went right for the personals. This was just before the internet boom, so it was through a weekly paper. Nonetheless, I got a few dates and scored a relationship that lasted a couple of years. My next and current one was the result of meeting someone in a professional context, and the personal relationship grew naturally.

I'm not sure what has changed. I think people, and perhaps women moreso, are protective and skeptical to a greater degree than in the past. It also has to do with context. I used to play in a band at a bar frequented by attractive divorced women. I think they expected to be approached in that situation and I saw many welcome it. That said, I'd hate to be dependent on the bar scene.

I'd recommend putting yourself in situations where interaction with women is natural and not date-seeking-centric such as a volunteer activity -- church, cultural organization, other do-gooder stuff. For starters you have some common interest that brought you there, and you might befriend someone who isn't a potential match but knows someone who is.

It's not easy out there, but assuming you're looking for someone around your age, the older you get the better the odds are for men.

Advice: I Want to Last Longer

2009-04-18T18:42:00.000-06:00

Q:
Hi, I feel i have a real serious problem, i get ejaculated too early while i masterbate, it takes me only 3 minutes to jerk off myself. Similar is the case when i hav sex with my girl friend, please guide me what should i do??

A:
I have to first tell you that lasting three minutes is not premature ejaculation in my book and is, to my understanding, fairly average.

However, there are a number of techniques for training yourself to delay ejaculation. The fact that you have the same problem when jerking off as when having sex is good in a way that you are consistent and trying these techniques on yourself should help. But you also will need your partner's help with some of them when you are together.

Google "delay ejaculation" -- skip all the ads, but try the top results such as this.

Advice: I Can't Cum in There

2009-04-15T18:35:00.000-06:00

Q:
I am a male 23 and into my sports a bit. So far whenever i have had sex i have never cum during intercourse. The only way i can cum is when I a wank myself off... it has its advantages but I'm hope its not some sort of dysfunction. There isn't a problem getting hard its just cumming during intercourse. I am too embarrassed to speak to my doc about it . Is there something i can do so that i cum more often naturally.

A:
I know it's hard to talk about sexual matters with your doctor, but I suggest you do or find a doc you are more comfortable with.

You don't say whether you have multiple partners. Because if it's just one it may have to do with that particular fit. Or it could be the positions you use are not the most effective for the friction you need. Or you can try a position where she can reach your testicles and play with them.

I would not characterize it as dysfunction. Every individual has different needs and responses, and those can change over time or be different with different partners.

You may also need more foreplay. It ain't just for chicks. Are you getting manual and oral stimulation before intercourse?

Finally, if this is not really hampering your enjoyment, then perhaps it's not really a problem until such time as you want to have kids. Then you might need some intervention.

If you haven't, see if your girlfriend can help you finish manually. Even if you need your hand on the unit, keep her involved with kissing, playing with your balls or sucking your nipples -- something so that your finish is still part of a mutual sex act.

Advice: Am I a Sex Addict?

2009-04-12T18:25:00.000-06:00

Q:
I think I'm a sex addict. I'd be happy going for hours, several times a day, or all day long. I can have multiple orgasms and all that, my gf usually has several orgasms. What can I do to get my gf's libido up? She doesn't want to get on top, she says because she's insecure, and I think partly because she doesn't want to do the work, and she doesn't want to go as long as me.

Everything else is good . .

Do I need to make her eat better and work out so she has more energy (what I've read) or is it something else?

A:
I wouldn't characterize what you describe as sex addition, but you do have a very strong libido.

It sounds like you have an active sex life and your girlfriend climaxes well, so I wouldn't say she has a weak libido. You are just mismatched.

If she wants to be more sexually active, then exercise, diet and supplements are all worth looking into, and you will probably find some good web sites that specifically address female libido. But I stress that nothing you've said indicates to me she has an underactive libido. If she's happy where she is I would suggest, like many couples, you need to find a compromise.

That compromise might include you masturbating more often. Or her helping you masturbate sometimes. Or her agreeing to sex even though she wasn't exactly in the mood -- sometimes getting started will get a partner in the mood.

This is all a separate issue from her reluctance to be on top. Again, you can only encourage her here. Have you told her that while she may feel insecure, you desire this because she looks great and seeing her on top turns you on? If she's really a limp fish in bed, then you need to address that.

But I think you may just have too much sexual and general energy compared to her. If she is really lacking energy, then joining a health club or engaging in some kind of workout on a regular basis is recommended without regard to your sex life. And certainly diet can be a factor.

Advice: I Wanna Be Cuckolded

2009-04-10T18:13:00.000-06:00

Q:
I first came across the term cuckold about 2 years ago. I was able to let a breath out that I had been holding for what seemed like years. For years, I fantasized about an ex girlfriend of mine not wanting to bother with my penis (it is smaller than I would like...about 5 inches at its longest) and wanting to have all her sex with an ex. I would then picture her coming home then telling me to please her orally afterward...with the cream pie still in there. I honestly thought that I was the only man in the world who felt that way. The ultimate humiliation for me was one evening, I'm guessing about 9 or 9:30...in January, we were going someplace and she asked me if she could stop off at a friends house for a few minutes, after about 20 minutes of waiting for her, I honked the horn to let he know that we were running late... after a minute or two, she came to the car very angry and told me she would be out in a couple of minutes. After another 15 minutes and for the first time realizing there were no lights on in the house, I realized what was going on, got very upset, and drove off. Although I was really angry, I found it very arousing and fantasized it for days. She called the next day screaming at me and that is when I realized that I loved sitting out there in the cold waiting for her to make love to her ex. Again, I thought I was the only man in the world that found this erotic. We broke up a week after that, she broke it off, but I still was hoping that she would call and ask me to go down on her. I used to term it them cooking a dinner for me.

I guess my question is, do you find this type of activity erotic and I guess any suggestions on how a middle aged man could find a hot wife or a couple who would be part of a fantasy.

A:
I don't personally find this scenario interesting, but I've seen lots of it around the blogosphere. I think it is one of many kinds of humiliation that are a turn-on for some men and women.

I think it's fine with one caveat: What you're describing is double unprotected sex, first the woman and her ex or boyfriend, and then you being exposed to his semen. I think that's a deal-breaker. Consider other options that might give you the same excitement but be safer. For instance, she keeps the filled condom and shows it to you and describes what she did in great detail while you eat her out.

Now if you're into the humiliation part of it, then you really need to be the one that is cuckolded, thus you need to be in a relationship of some sort.

Certainly if you're willing to play another role you may be able to find couple on Craigslist > casual encounters > mw4m. You could always try running an ad under m4w or m4mw describing what you have in mind. Just know you will get a certain number of phony responses from webcam girls and the like. It's become somewhat useless to browse the w4m listings as 99.8% of them are spam.

But keep searching for real relationships and you may luck out by finding a woman you are compatible with in multiple ways including indulging in your fantasy (and it's not a bad one for her, to have permission to do this!). Once you have her, if she doesn't have an ex or someone to include, it won't be difficult to find a guy to join you from Craigslist.

Advice: Horny & Desperate

2009-04-08T18:07:00.000-06:00

Q:
okay I'm 18 and my boyfriend is the same age...... we've been together for like 3 years but we haven't had sex yet... well not vaginally... trust me we do get our freak on but not sex....
okay the problem is these days when i get him excited like in a public place and he cant cum he's in pain ..... but usually when we do do something sexual he doesn't get to cum.... so recently some new rules were enforced.... much to my pain basically anything that would turn him on is out unless its guaranteed that he'll cum. i think my pussy pained me when my brain agreed. all fingering, orals and even phone and cyber sex is out.... so please do you have any advice on the matter? i need some type of help before i explode... I don't know if i can make it till my birthday and we have sex...... please help....

A:
You need to masturbate more.

OK, first of all it's really easy for an 18 year old guy to be excited. I'd say if being turned on is literally painful for him, don't do anything in places where you can't act on it and where it's not OK to finish the job

Next, I may be missing something, but I don't see why you both can't climax, whether by your own or each other's hands or mouths whether enjoying mutual masturbation or oral, or even phone sex. Go for it.

Advice: Another Anal Question

2009-04-06T18:04:00.000-06:00

Q:
What happens to the rectum after several penetrations, or continued
anal sex, with a large penis?

A:
Umm, it's easier to take a dump? The non-expert here says that if you've been careful it may be stretched a little or at least more relaxed.

Advice: More Anal Angst

2009-04-04T17:59:00.003-06:00

Q:
I have a question, my boyfriend enjoys anal sex however, I can't seem to get comfortable with it. We've tried many things such as different types of lube, and starting off with fingering etc. And it works for a little while but after a minute or two of anal/the fingering, it really starts to hurt. Even if I am well lubricated. We've tried different positions but I am wondering if you have any other advice for me?

A:
As I've mentioned before, I am definitely not an expert on anal. One thing I do know is that it doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps a reader can chime in, because if even fingering is hurting I don't have any ideas. Use his little finger and work up?

The real reason we used to read National Geographic

2009-04-02T22:34:00.002-06:00

Posted April 1, 2009 on National Geographic's Intelligent Travel blog.

Advice: Breasts for my lover?

2009-03-23T15:15:00.001-06:00

Q:
hello i'm a gay male. my lover would like me to have breasts. we can not afford implants is there anything that we can do to enlarge my chest he like for me to have least 36d. i'm 6' 0 tall my weight is 145 lbs hope you can suggest something thank you

A:
Grow older and don't diet or exercise - you'll get man-boobs for sure.

I'm sorry, but I think female breasts are one of the things you don't get if you're gay. Are you sure your lover isn't bi? If he was then you could invite a female into your love life.

If he wants you to look like you have tits, get some falsies and wear them when you're dressed, but I know of no substitutes for the real or fake things when you're nekkid.

Advice: Why can’t I get my wife aroused?

2009-03-21T15:07:00.001-06:00

Q:
Recently married to wife who is 40. And had cervical cancer three years ago.
She has told me that she has had sex with more men then she can remember none of this mattered. I told her I love her and we moved on. Now however she doesn't ever seem interested in sex unless I initiate she has never had an orgasm with me and always seems real dry. Please help !

A:
Did you even discuss sex before you got married? You might have received some insights.

I don't know if this is related, either physiologically or psychologically, to her cancer experience.

You say you've moved on from learning about her past experience, but it's obvious you're bugged because she used to screw a lot and now she doesn't want to. It's not about you. Women (and men) go through stages where they do different things.

If she's not experiencing pleasure when you have sex, that would be a good tip off to why she's not interested.

They key is getting her interested in finding a solution. She may not be getting aroused due to hormonal issues, and that certainly could be related to her cancer. I'm guessing even if she is not of menopausal age, she may have had a hysterectomy (sorry I'm not more informed on the subject of cervical cancer treatment).

Let's address possible physiological reasons first and suggest she consult her gynecologist about this.

But also ask her if there's any other possible reason she can think of that she's not interested in or having a good time with you in bed. She may need some different kinds or amounts of attention than you're used to.

Advice: Can a feminist be a sub?

2009-03-19T11:51:00.000-06:00

Q:
Before I go any farther, I'd like to state that I am a woman, and a strong-willed, modern one at that, someone who comes from a long line of independent feminists. That's one of the reasons that the following have started to make me think. You see, I seem to have an issue with women.

When I masturbate, whether I'm watching something or just fantasizing, pretty much the only situations that get me off are D/s, BDSM. bondage, or forced orgasm. Anything where the woman is in the weaker position, and held/tied down and forced to feel pleasure, whether she wants it or not. I've fantasized about being raped, gangbanged, about being part of a D/s relationship, I used to go through elaborate ways of tying myself down... the thing is that nothing else turns me on like these things do. Loving, romantic, gentle sex is...fine, but not something that gets me excited. I want screaming, crying, begging...but if the woman starts to show any sign of being in power, that's it for me. Takes me completely out of it. I don't get it.

Another thing is that again, when masturbating, it cannot be me doing it, or it doesn't work. I have to have a hands-free vibe or one I can slip into my underwear and press against. My hands can be on my breasts and it doesn't matter that they're mine...but I cannot be "in control" of any pleasure I receive or else any fantasy completely shatters and I never orgasm.

...What's wrong with me?

A:
Dr. Sensu assures you there is nothing wrong with you.

I'm sure the shrinks have theories about why certain things are turn-ons for certain people, especially when those turn-ons seem in conflict with other aspects of the individual. I choose not to worry about that shit. My philosophy is that if it feels good and nobody is getting coerced or hurt, just lie back and enjoy it.

Instead or worrying about or fighting that which turns you on, explore it. Find the greatest pleasure and excitement you can.

You don't say what your non-masturbatory sex life is like. I can speak about this from personal experience. At middle age I was single and got into a relationship. We were having fun being together, but the sexual sparks weren't really there. Then she confided that she had always fantasized about some of the same things you do and would like me to take her into that world. I had absolutely no experience with this, nor had I even fantasized about it. I am a strong feminist, opposed to any form of subjugation or inequality of women, yet I performed rape fantasies with her and liked it. I do nothing of this in my current relationship and am perfectly happy about that, but am grateful for the experiences I had with her. It's hard to describe, but I discovered aspects of myself I didn't know were there.

Enjoy your masturbation, and perhaps if you're really fortunate you'll find someone you will feel safe with to explore your deepest fantasies and desires.

Advice: The Green Monster (and not at Fenway)

2009-03-15T11:40:00.003-06:00

Note: This, as with most of the questions I've been answering, were sent to my friend Aspasia Fern. Aspasia has retired from the advice business, so I've offered to do my best for her correspondents.

Q:
I have been an avid reader of your advice column for a while now, and while it seems to have been a long time since you did a batch post on Literotica, I am hoping that this gets to you, and that you have the time (and the patience) to write, even if it doesn't end up in a column there.

I have a whole lot of questions kind of rolled up into one, and I don't know any local professionals out here that I would trust enough to ask about any of them. Having read the advice you have given others, however, I think that you might be exactly the person to ask these things.

I am a twenty-five year old male, and in a rather complicated relationship. My girlfriend of six months is beautiful, loving, amazingly passionate, experimental, and responsive sexually... in short, everything any reasonable man could want, and then some. She makes me very happy, and I am told (often, both in bed and out) that I make her happy too. There are a few tiny hang-ups, however, that I was hoping you could help me to sort out.

I was my girl's first sexual experience, and while she is very happy with our sex life and enjoys it as much as I do, we are still early enough in our relationship that I worry sometimes that she may not be seeing me through clear eyes. A woman's first man tends to have a strong impact on her, positive or negative, and I have a few confidence issues after my last relationship, and it has got me constantly worried that when the shine wears off, she is going to wander off.

It does not help that, given the way in which my last relationship ended, I have some HORRIBLE jealousy issues to work through. My girlfriend has a large bevy of male friends, always has, just as I have many female friends. I trust her absolutely, and never for a second have believed I had to worry about her cheating on me, but it still makes me bristle whenever she is spending time hanging out with another man. Making things worse, I know that my feelings are irrational, given my trust in her, so I feel like I am going insane, being childish, or both.

I have spoken to her about these things, and she has offered to cut back on socializing, but I do NOT want to change her that way. That said, I don't want to have to wrestle with the green monster anymore either, especially given that it's an unfamiliar, unpleasant feeling for me. Do you know of some healthy things I can do to try and get my worries about our relationship under control? I realize it's all in my head, but I am afraid that my inability to let it go may very well destroy the happiest time of my life with a woman I love very, very deeply.

Whether you are able to respond or not, it felt really good to type this, and if I do hear back, thank you in advance.

A:
You are right to be concerned that when you spoke to her about your jealousy she agreed to cut back on socializing. That's not a healthy response for either of you. If the question was simply that you want to spend more time with her, that's a reasonable one to address and see if she agrees. But anything other than that smells of coercion, and that plants a bad seed in the relationship.

While both members of a couple can, and should, have their own friends, I think it's worth trying to mix it up and see if some of her friends can also be your friends and vice versa. Arrange some very casual get-togethers, either in small or large groups. At the very least, you should get to know each others' friends even if you don't become friends with them yourselves.

Please realize that if you truly trusted her, you would no more be jealous of time she spends with male friends than with female friends. The fact is that you do not have complete trust.

If you will not see a therapist (which I would recommend), you'll have to work this out by yourself, and perhaps you'll just need more time. You need to recognize that each person and each relationship is different. Live the one you are in day by day and don't focus on what might happen down the line. Yes, she may leave you. But you may leave her. Or you may grow old together. It's really never possible to know, so why sweat it?

Give yourself permission to be happy.

Advice: Like a Virgin

2009-03-14T11:34:00.003-06:00

Q:
I'm an 18 going on 19 virgin and masturbate constantly just by rubbing my clit. I'm afraid that penetration will break my hymen and my future first time will not believe I'm a virgin. The guy I like is actually younger than me but good Lord; he is the most erotic being on the face of the planet! The two days before Valentines day I licked the head of his penis. Mind you I was terrified, I don't know why, but I am terrified of penises, but desperately want this gentleman to fuck my brains out. What's a girl to do? I want him to be my first. How do I seduce him so he can't get me out of his head? (Pun intended)

A:
I think if he's already let you lick his penis, there's not much you'll need to do to seduce him. I would caution you that if your "gentleman" is under 18 you could find yourself charged with statutory rape. I also think it's way past the time that anyone should be hung up about whether a woman is a virgin or not.

Advice: I love big butts!

2009-03-13T11:06:00.003-06:00

Q:
I love doggie style, but my wife has a big butt, and I'm not that big. how do I get her?

A:
How do you get her what? Typically, doggie style is a great way to get deep penetration. But there are different ways to do it from her up on all fours, to her head and arms flat on the bed that will create different angles of, um, attack for you. I would just keep trying adjustments until you find that angle. You may want to try it with her at the edge of the bed and you standing.

Advice: Uncle Crush?

2009-03-12T01:55:00.004-06:00

Q:
Ok, i have a question, but am not really sure how to put it.

I am 18 and am bi, and i have a major attraction towards my uncle who i live with,
there have been times (such as australia day) when someones bought up the topic hooking up and he's gone, "there's nobody but my niece and i'm not gonna do that".

Does this mean he's thought about it?

please help me...i'm so confused..

A:
Sounds like perhaps he has thought about it. Good for him that he says he won't act on it. Bad that he has said that aloud.

Don't know how it works in Australia, but in the States, you are sexually of age at 18 and can do what you wish, as can your uncle. However, it sounds as if he's been acting as a parent. Blood relation aside, he is in a position of trust and in my opinion it would not be healthful for you to have a romantic or sexual relationship. You may simply be experiencing a crush based on proximity.

Go out, meet boys your age. Do not act of your attraction to your uncle or tempt him to do so. Make sure you are doing something useful in your life such as school or a job, and try to meet guys there.

Advice: Does an age difference matter?

2009-03-11T10:39:00.005-06:00

Q:
Well I do not know where to start but I will give it a go. I am 26 (nearly 27 !) and I have started dating a man who is 38.

We met on a dating website and really got attracted to each other. However, we both had doubt about the age difference and did not see each other for a few weeks. However it did not last and we decided to date each other for good, I am comfortable with him but still I feel a bit lost regarding sexual behaviour ...

He is very different from all the other blokes i have been out with. He is a bit sex mad (well just like any men, he likes to mention it and have a joke about it) but in bed he gets rather tired quickly according to me ...I do not want to be rude nor mean but I thought that he would have more experience and more "stamina" than me.

Otherwise it is just that he is actually ...shy. Lots of people talk about sex and do dirty jokes ..but it does not mean they feel comfy in bed isn`t it?

My problem is : I do not know how to talk about it. I am sexually ...open-minded and not that shy usually. But with that guy I do not know what to say nor how to behave (i do not want him to think that I am a bit too naughty ...or too passive). I really do not know how to behave and what to say.

I really enjoy having sex with him, but we seem to struggle a bit. Is it because it is a new relationship? (I had slept with the same lad for 2 years ...so it was a kinda of a challenge for me really!)

Is age affecting your sexual ability and desire? How can I help him having better sex life with (he never said he did not enjoy it, quite the opposite but it does not look like it.) without appearing too mean, naughty or rude?

He is such a lovely guy and he has got everything I have ever wanted ...there is only that problem that I can`t handle.

A:
I feel you are over-thinking this. How to handle this and what to say is to just say what's on your mind. Don't worry about seeming too naughty or the opposite; just be yourself. Now, do it kindly and lovingly, but be straight with him as you have been with me.

Age does affect stamina and sexual performance, however from where I sit, 38 ain't that old. You indeed may just be noticing the difference between the average guy in his 20s and a fellow near 40. And, every individual is different. But it's also possible your guy is out of shape or has some other medical issue that is sapping his energy. His blue talk may be a cover for what he himself senses is inadequacy in the sack. It's also not fair for you to expect he'd have more experience just because he's older. I had sex with only one woman until I was his age and then was cast out into the dating market for the first time since I was 17, so imagine my lack of experience! As well, not every guy is so much a sex fiend, but may feel they have to act like they are.

So tell him you love having sex with him. Tell him your desires and ask how he feels about them. Do this when you're not in bed! Ask him what he wants most from your sex life together. Do this over a nice cup of tea, when you're both relaxed.

Advice: Trapped in a Boy's Body

2009-03-10T10:30:00.002-06:00

Q:
Ever since I can remember, I have wished whole-heartedly that I had been born a girl. I fantasise from the perspective of a girl, I have a complete persona as a girl, I admit that I am even one of those people who on occasion pretends to be one online, and I find it really satisfying. I mean, I have chatted with men for a few hours and they want to marry me. I'm good at being a girl.

When I was younger and in uni, I went through a goth phase (who doesn't?) and I dabbled a little with makeup, and occasionally wearing women's underwear, but it really isn't for me. I am not a transvestite, and I don't want to have dozens of operations to make me into a quasi-woman, so I'm not a transsexual either.

But I feel awkward as a man. I'm not manly, but I'm not camp either. Even though I fantasise from a female perspective, I don't feel that I'm gay (not least because I also like women), and if I imagine myself in a relationship with a man it feels wrong. It's pretty frustrating.

I don't really know what I expect you to say, but it's hard to talk about and I've not really discussed it with anyone. I don't feel that it's something I could physically say to anyone I know. I'm pretty shy when it comes to matters of love and sex, at least with people I know in the real world.

I guess there are some fantasies that just can't be fulfilled, and I'm not desperately unhappy as a man. There are benefits (no bleeding from my non-existent vagina every month), like having a much cheaper underwear bill.

Well, anyway, thanks for providing me with an outlet, at least a void, to send this into.

A:
I'm glad you wrote. My only advice is to accept yourself for who you are. I don't expect it's easy, and many will not accept you. While it's fun for you to dabble online and make believe, I think you should explore the real world and hopefully you will find kindred souls and people to love and accept you. And who knows -- maybe there's the perfect match, a girl who feels like a man but likes men!

Advice: Finding Her G-Spot

2009-03-09T22:38:00.000-06:00

Q: How do I exactly find a woman's g spot while licking her clit and fingering her?

A: I'll hand this one over to Finding The G-Spot.

Our Gift to Womankind

2009-03-08T13:39:00.001-06:00

Advice: Panty Fetish

2009-03-06T10:30:00.002-07:00

Q:
I am a man with a panty fetish. I mainly like to wear womens underwear, bras, pantyhose but sometimes i like to dress up. I am really nervous to shop for them! so my question is, How can I get my own panties w/o going online to buy? And my second question is how can I spice up my little fetish? I have been dressing in these things for about 2 years and all I do is wear them under clothes and stuff. So is there any advice you have for me to spice it all up a little? My third question would how can enjoy a little anal play w/o a partner or dildo/buttplug?

A:
It's easy for you to buy panties in person. Lots of men buy lingerie for their women, so you won't seem out of place when shopping at Victoria's Secret, or wherever you choose.

How you spice it up is really determined by your comfort level. If you don't currently have a lover, do you have a female friend who is very open? You two could have a lingerie party together -- try things on for each other and so on. Who knows where that could lead?

As to your last question, it's really a matter of reach. If you are on your own and don't want to use a toy, the only solution I can think of is to lube up a finger and stick it there. Not everyone can accomplish that and I'm personally not tempted to try.

Advice: The Catholic Mind

2009-03-04T22:20:00.003-07:00

Q:
I find myself in a very awkward situation and I am in need of your knowledgeable advice... I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with a wonderful man who makes me very happy. There is nothing more in this world that I want more than to be with him, but I have a personal problem that I need to sort out before I can commit myself to being in a "true" relationship with him (long term). Ever since I can remember, I've had issues with men and their ideologies about women being objects of gratification. I was raised Roman Catholic and found that it was very difficult as a woman to be given any leeway when it came to sexuality or sexual gratification. As I grew older and found myself desiring self gratification, I found that my thoughts during masturbation were not those of a woman receiving pleasure from a man, but those of a MAN GIVING PLEASURE TO A WOMAN! I have never been able to orgasm from sexual intercourse, and even when I'm having sex with a man I still find myself thinking about what the physical discourse is from their perspective rather than my own. Now I am in a relationship where I can not orgasm from sexual intercourse with the man who I truly feel is the "one for me", and to make matters worse when I masturbate to thoughts of him I can not achieve an orgasm unless I visualize my pleasure from his perspective (penetrating my body with his member, "coming through him" as it were). I know for a fact that I am a heterosexual woman, with no desire myself to be a man; I love my female body and would not trade it for anything in the world. I guess what I would like to know after explaining all of this is if there is any way to "re-train" my thinking so that I would be able to climax as a woman in my own mind, rather than being dependent on the pleasure of a man's orgasm for my own gratification?

A:
There can be reasons other than your "confusion" that you are not having orgasms during intercourse. It's just not unusual for a woman to need other forms of stimulation to climax.

As to your issue though with viewing the pleasure you receive through the prism of a man's perspective, I admit I am at a loss, and hope there will be some comments on this one. My sense is that you are overthinking, perhaps, and should just accept the pleasure in whatever way it comes to you. In other words, if you climax, you are climaxing as a woman regardless of what happened in your mind to get you there.

Advice: No Longer Uptight

2009-03-03T18:04:00.001-07:00

Q:

I used to be very, VERY uptight about sex. I was raised very strictly Catholic. In my senior year of high school, I lost my virginity to a long time boyfriend. Neither of us knew anything about the world and, at the time, thought that we were perfect for each other and would be together forever. In the end, after going to college things between us ended. He had cheated on me and, needless to say, I was pissed. Anyways, long story short one of my new friends at college, who was thankfully fully apart from my small town and "sex without a relationship/marriage is bad" attitude, managed to talk me into going out with her and eventually having sex with a guy just for the fun of it. I loved it. It was just what I needed and through a process of discovery (and a few one night stands) I lost most of my sexual inhibitions and am able to pretty much be myself in the bedroom. I am now in a great stable relationship and engaged.

My problem is that I want to discuss this with my oldest and best friends. I have known them since we were in diapers and in the past discussed everything with them. I have no problems discussing things with my friends I have met since my sexual revelations. The problem lies with the one or two best friends I have had since high school. They knew how I was then, I even criticized their decisions to have sex. I told them about a couple of the sexual encounters I had and got a lot of backlash from it. They said things about how now I turned into the slut and remind me of just how uptight I used to be. I can't even get to talking about my feelings about this because of how much crap they give me about how I was 5 years ago!!! I miss having those in depth conversations with them about sex that I could when I was with my first. Ever since they found out that I had multiple partners I can't mention the word sex to them if I don't want to hear it.

How can I make them understand that I know I was wrong in the past and I have seen the light about sex? These are my best friends and I love them to death, I just want them to be able to accept me as I am now, not just as I was in high school.

A:

I always like questions that start, "How can I make them understand...?" All you can do is explain yourself to them. It's up to them whether they wish to understand or call you names.

If these are truly still great friends, they will understand. They may not agree with what you have done or everything about what you do now, but they will find a way to be supportive.

If all they want to do is carp at you, call you a slut, complain about how uptight you used to be (after you admit that you were), then sadly they are no longer the friends they once were to you.

Advice: Concern for a Friend

2009-03-02T05:53:00.001-07:00

Q:

My friend likes to Put on girl clothes and pretend he is a girl and have sex with his blanket. Is this wrong? if it is, what can I do?

A:

It's somewhat unusual, especially the part about having sex with his blanket. I assume you mean he is masturbating and somehow involving a comforting blanket in the act. There's nothing wrong with that -- perhaps messy -- nor with dressing up in girl's clothing.

If he is simply doing that in the privacy of his home, there should be no problem. Cross-dressing outside the home can cause problems. I'm not making a judgment, but society does. If you are school age, he will open himself to ridicule. And that can even be true for an adult. It's unfortunate, but that's just how society is.

As to the happy blanket situation, my question is whether this is a substitute for expressing his sexuality, whether straight or gay, with other humans. Especially if he is gay and either does not realize it or is afraid to admit it, and the blanket is a substitute for real relationships, that is not healthy.

I am not a trained therapist, so these are simply my opinions. If after reading this you remain concerned, you might suggest that your friend see a therapist and describe what he is doing to get a professional opinion.

Advice: Desiring Bigger Loads

2009-03-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Q:
How can I increase the amount of ejaculate I produce?

A:
Ah, a subject near and dear to my heart. As I wrote in one of my first posts:

Now, long past the point at which procreation is an issue, all I get is a dribble. Had no warning it would be like this. Even porn cum shots, if the guy is 50 or older, aren't that interesting. Sometimes I'll skip a couple of days, just in the hope of getting a good squirt. Difficult to express why this matters, but I think it is part of the male hard-wiring to create something from nothing. So now the bathroom mirror, wall and ceiling are completely safe.

There are a number of nutrients believed to increase the amount of semen. Since writing that ditty I started taking 2000mg of L-Arginine 1000mg of L-Ornithine and 1000mg of L-Lysine daily and I have seen an improvement. In general, amino acids are said to help. I also read somewhere that wheat germ does, so why not try that -- it's good for you anyway. And drink lots of water, like eight 8-ounce glasses a day. We should all do that anyway.

Advice: Can't Cum During Intercourse

2009-02-28T22:54:00.001-07:00

Q:
I'm a 23 year old male. Just got engaged. I'm with the love of my life, and we have a pretty healthy sexual relationship. We have a lot of intercourse when I'm home (I’m an over the road truck driver). When we're having sex I can't cum without jerking myself off to finish. We've tried a lot of things to try to build up the orgasm in me, but nothing seems to work. We've tried lube, candles, porn. But at the end it still comes down to me jacking off in order for me to cum. Is there something wrong with me? Does this happen to a lot of guys? I just want to be able to build up my orgasm and have it without having to pull out of my fiance an jack off. I want to be able to stay in her an build up an for us to cum together for once instead of her cumming, and then I have to pull out an jack off. Please help!

You may or may not have a physiological problem, so my first advice is to see a doctor. You don't say whether you've had sexual relationships before and whether this was an issue if you did.

You may just not be getting the exact stimulation you need from intercourse with your fiance, and it could be attributable to fit, to the amount or lack of natural lubrication or any number of things. One thing I can definitely recommend is that you make love is a position where she can reach your testicles.

For some guys, direct stimulation of the balls is what will bring them over the top. Just give her direction so that what she does is pleasurable for you.

Until you find a solution, try to relax about this. Make sure she's involved in bringing you off after you pull out. Even if you want to or need to do the handwork, she should not be an idle observor. She can be kissing you and touching your other erotic zones, including your testicles. If sexy/dirty talk helps you, encourage her to do that too. Good luck!

Advice: Easing a wife into different sexual positions

2009-02-28T17:40:00.003-07:00

Q:

What in your opinion would be the best way to get a wife who is conservative and not open to sexual discussion?

I would love to open her eyes to more than missionary. Any tips?

Sounds like you got one. Just kidding, I know from your subject heading what you mean.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to get her to talk, because just flipping her over in bed is not a good approach. Hopefully you have good communication in other aspects of your marriage.

I would find a relaxed time to tell her there's something you want to discuss. Acknowledge that it seems she's uncomfortable talking about sexual matters. Make clear that it's as important to you to be able to talk about your desires as it is to talk about (name another subject, preferably one that's important to her).

Tell her you love her and find her attractive, and that if you didn't you wouldn't be having this discussion. Tell her that you love having sex with her, but desire more variety. Assure her that you're not thinking of anything bizarre or kinky, just that you want to do things differently from time to time. It will give you pleasure. It may even give her pleasure. And promise that if she's open to trying different positions but finds anything you suggest uncomfortable, you'll move on.

If she's not open to having this discussion, I think you need to insist on seeing a marriage therapist, because an entire life is too long to live without at least trying to have a satisfying sex life. If she won't go, go yourself and let her know you are doing so.

Advice: How Not To Be A Stalker

2009-01-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Q:
Three years ago I put myself through a very messy breakup. I was a 21 year old male desperately in love with a 20 year female, shy, home schooled, and living across the country from me. The writing was on the wall so to speak. In a lot of ways I have never gotten over her, even though I have found pleasant, caring relationships since. The finger pointing has since faded in memory, except one question; did I stalk her? When we broke up I slowly fell into a dark place where I thought I could get her back. In retrospect, I just needed closure, and was going the very wrong way about it. My point is this: halfway through that hell I realized what I was doing, just didn't know how to stop. I guess I should point out I was never threatening, or angry, just love sick and overbearing. It was a lot of emails filled with emotional junk, phone calls to see how she was, checking out her myspace and work site. I even went so far to email her new (or so I thought) boyfriend. All I said was congratulations and virtually shake his hand and ask him to take care of her. At the time I just wanted the pain to end, but I see now I was putting myself through the torture. I finally begged her to make her social webpage private, just so I wouldn't be tempted. I deleted her phone numbers and tried to forget her, but it was hard and still is painful. Even today I wonder how she is, but I only wish her the best. My question is, do they have a group where stalkers (even though I hate that word I don't want to sugarcoat it) can go and support each other? I mean if the is one for sex, and ones for smokers, is stalking too taboo? Do you know of any such group? Just something I was always curious about because I think it really would have helped me, and thus her, through all that junk.

A:
The support groups related to stalkers that I'm aware of are for the victims. That said, from your description I wouldn't classify you as a stalker in the true sense, although you exhibited some tendencies. You were lovesick and inexperienced in relationships.

It's not unnatural to have a strong curiosity and perhaps resentment and jealousy about what an ex is doing. But it also isn't healthy.

You recognize the problem and understand a lot about what you are doing and feeling, just not what to do about it. I think that counseling would really be helpful in getting you "unstuck" and suggest you find a psychotherapist to help you.

If any readers have experienced this problem and found a solution, please share it in comments.

There's something in that French water...

2009-01-19T14:36:00.002-07:00

Advice: How To Take Control

2009-01-17T18:29:00.005-07:00

Q:
Hello!!! I want to know some ways to take control in the bedroom. My partner loves it, but I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over. I give him blow jobs when I run out of new things (it works like a charm). I need something new please help.

A:
There are so many directions you can go in and it really depends on what you're looking for. It may be simply moving away from a routine -- trying different positions for intercourse; changing the way in which you engage in foreplay. Or you may need to stretch into totally new things such as dominance/submission or bondage (light or serious). My suggestion is to go to the bookstore and read a couple of books on bedroom techniques to find what appeals to you. Then just try some stuff. Some men are complacent -- if they're getting blown or laid, they're satisfied. You may also need to let your partner know you expect some creativity from him.

Advice: I'm Not Perfect

2009-01-10T22:06:00.006-07:00

Q:
i m married and had a child of 3 month. i can not do sex more then once at a time.......... shape of my panic is nerrow at the edge. I can do masterbat several times in a day...........but not sex............and my penic band down if my wife ride me wile sex ............ she never complains..........and she had orgazm also........but i think i m not perfect..........wht can i do?

A:
Believe me, none of us is perfect.

Make sure your penis doesn't bend too much! If she's facing you, next time have her face away from you (reverse cowgirl) and see if it is more comfortable. I wouldn't worry that you only cum one time when having sex vs. several times in a day masturbating. Maybe the positions you use aren't giving you the right stimulation. Consider asking your wife to jerk you off after she has her orgasm.

Advice: Did I rub myself the wrong way?

2008-12-14T01:26:00.000-07:00

Q:
I am 24 years old and have sex occasionally. However I do not get a full erection until I have been rubbed. I sometimes think it is the erection that makes me feel aroused and not the other way.

I had masturbated a lot before the first time I had sex a few years back. Is it because my penis has got used to the rubbing now and needs it?

Earlier I would masturbate on erection or I would get an erection very easily. However later the pleasure and hence masturbation became such an obsession that I would force an erection by rubbing it.

I am abstaining from that now, but do not know how much time it would take to get my penis to forget it needs to be rubbed.

Also I do not feel that lust I used to earlier. Can all this be because of a drop in testosterone level. Should I get it checked or something?

A:
I think the fact that you are feeling less horny combined with the fact that you need more stimulation may point to a medical problem, so I do suggest you see your physician.

Other than that, nothing you've written concerns me. That you need direct stimulation to achieve erection isn't that unusual. And I do understand the obsession thing -- feeling like you have to jerk off even when you're not feeling that horny, but once you get it going...shazzam!

It's possible, but really unlikely you desensitized yourself with all the rubbing. But it's a simple fact, penises want to be rubbed. Your penis will not forget it wants to be rubbed, so go rub one off!

Thank You Bettie

2008-12-11T23:26:00.003-07:00

And thank you Cormac.

I've had that problem, but I was 15!

2008-12-09T21:20:00.001-07:00

Advice: Why do I like to be humiliated?

2008-12-08T22:20:00.003-07:00

Q:
i am a male in my late 30s, i know that i am below average in penis length and girth. this is not the normal type of letter in how to make it bigger etc etc. the thing is i am turned on by it being below average at 3.5 on a good day and if my partner takes the micky out of it and my performance or compares it to past lovers in a derogatory way then wow am i turned on. why would this be i feel that i am normal in all other aspects of my life apart from this where would it have come from? any ideas you may have to help me understand it would be helpful.

A:
If you really need to know the answer to this, you gotta see a shrink. The mind, especially the sexual mind, is a fascinating thing. But since you have a partner, you're having sex, you're getting turned on, perhaps you shouldn't worry about why.

Lots of folks like to be humiliated sexually. Perhaps they are overconfident or overbearing in other parts of their lives. Maybe it fills some deep dark need.

If you're having a good time, don't worry about it so much. But if this nags at you and you really want to know, you're going to have to go for some intensive head shrinkage.

Advice: My guy's too shy to tell me what he likes

2008-12-06T22:12:00.002-07:00

Q:
I've been dating this guy for 7 months now, and things are going really well. My only concern is when it comes to sex. I'm worried that I'm not giving him what he wants, like something is missing. It has even happened a time or two where he has lost his erection, and he'd only get off if I gave him a BJ. This leaves me feeling frustrated. I've tried to get him to open up and tell me what he wants, and what he likes. Including him I've only had sex with six people, and it wasn't very frequent with any of them (two were just one time things). He's had a lot more experience, but is very very shy. I think this is why he doesn't want to tell me what he wants.

What are some things that I can suggest to help spice things up and get him really excited? I know he likes it a little on the rougher side...what can I do in that regard? How do I learn to talk dirty to him, which I believe he also enjoys? I'm on the shy and inexperienced side of the scale, so I definitely need some advice. I also like it kinda rough, so it wouldn't be going against what I like...I just don't know where to start! Thanks for your advice.

A:
I'm getting a little sick and tired of guys who won't say what they want.

Here's what I suggest: Tell him you'll make all his sexual dreams and fantasies come true. Just one requirement: He needs to tell you what they are.

You and he should talk about this stuff not when you're in the bedroom, but some other place and time. Then you can make an action plan. "Rough" means different things to different people. Talk it out over breakfast sometime. Then go for it.

Him going soft during intercourse may not have anything to do with boredom. He might need a different position to create the right stimulation. No talk, no satisfaction.

The way to learn to talk dirty, if that's what you want, is to not be too conscious about. Say whatever comes into your mind when he's fucking you.

Why is Kentucky selling sex slime?

2008-12-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

Advice: Are men in their 40s too old to want sex?

2008-12-04T22:05:00.001-07:00

Q:
I'm in love with a 42 year-old divorced man, and am only 18. We've been together for almost two years. There was a time when i caught him doing it with another woman and eventually after the long talk i ended up forgiving him and loving him more. During our first months together the sex was great but seldom happens. until it reached to the point where we barely had sex. and so i ended up entertaining guys to somehow ease the tension of wanting to have sex but whenever the chance comes i feel guilty and so i end up refusing the guy.

I tried to talk to him about me wanting to have sex but he always makes age as an excuse, like older people are way matured and their libido isn't like what young people have. So other than sex all we do is he fingers me while playing my breast, i give him a blow job and nothing else. he doesn't even kiss me in the lips. what could this mean? I need advice, because i am way tired and frustrated about the way he acts? is it only because of the age?

A:
From your point of view 42 seems old. And yes, most 42-year-old men can't cum three times in an hour like a boy your age. But a a rule they are still very sexually active and very horny, especially for 18-year-old chippies like yourself. You did notice him having sex with someone else, right?

Basically, he's bored with you and I'm not sure why he's still stringing you along. Maybe it's good for his ego. I suggest you get out of this relationship as fast as you can and look for someone just a little closer to your own age.

Advice: Older Married Sex

2008-12-02T23:13:00.001-07:00

Q:
i am 76 my wife is 74 we have sex once a week. i take viagra we have sex for about 2 or 3 minutes then i get soft so then i do oral on her n she gets wild when she cums n i love doing it to her. then i watch a porn movie n can cum no problem but not while we are having sex

A:
First, congratulations on having an active sex life in your 70s. A lot of folks just give up and there's no reason to barring medical problems.

It sounds to me that intercourse isn't stimulating enough, at least not the way you are doing it. You may need direct stimulation of your balls while you're having sex.

I don't know how limber you and your wife are, but one good way to accomplish this is to do it doggie style and have her reach back with one hand to lightly massage and squeeze your sac. as well she can stimulate your perineum and around your butthole if you're comfortable with that.

If you can't make it happen during intercourse, no problem. But it sounds like after you make her cum you're on your own? She should participate in your final act. With or without the porn, she can do oral, help you with her hands (you wank while she plays with your balls, for instance), or just kiss you while you jerk off.

Advice: How Do I Give a Better Blow Job?

2008-12-01T01:56:00.000-07:00

Q:
I need help. I haven't had much experience in the bed, and it shows. Went i went down on my man for the first (and last) time, i had absolutely no idea what to do. and he didn't cum. he loves me enough to be patient, but he's quite shy and isn't comfortable with telling me/showing me exactly how he wants to be touched. I know everyone has different tastes when it comes to oral sex, but could you give me the basic guidelines to the most mind blowing blow job ever?

I love him and i want to make him happy.
please help.

A:
You need to know that not every guy will come from a blow job. And the fact that he didn't isn't proof you weren't bringing him pleasure. Of course, since he's a Silent Sam, it's also possible he wasn't having a good time.

I have to state here that while no-one wants to have to give constant instructions to their partners, we are each unique in how we're built and what we respond to, so it's really unfair to yourself and your partner to refrain from some amount of guidance and feedback.

There are a number of great guides to giving b.j.s on the web, so I won't try to top them. Try here and here and here and here and here.

I would say, for starters, be careful to shield your teeth. Relax and enjoy yourself. If you think of this is a big lollipop or ice cream pop it's hard to go wrong.

Bless you for wanting to please him this way. And by the way, what is he doing for you orally?

Advice: I Fucked His Best Friend

2008-11-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

Q:
Hi, I'm married for 3 years to my husband but I got the hots for his best friend and I just had sex with him and I enjoyed it. I don't know what to do because now I kind of gotten used to want his best friend. Please, I need an advice!

A:
Well, you'll just have to get unused to it.

I'm not much of a moralist when it comes to sex outside of marriage, but this is where I draw a line. That ain't much of a best friend your husband has.

Desire is desire and it's hard to say "no" but sometimes it has to be done. You should not have offered yourself to him and he absolutely should not have accepted.

If he were a real friend he would have made you feel bad enough about wanting to step out on your man that you wouldn't have done it again.

OK, so here we are. You fucked him and you want to again. And it seems he'll certainly take you up on it again.

You should do your best to avoid being anywhere near this man, but you must not arouse your husband's suspicions. Oh, and you must never ever tell your husband what happened. If you feel guilty, that's your price to pay.

If you don't feel guilty, you need to re-examine this marriage.

Advice: Sexually Frustrated Wife

2008-11-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

Q:
I am 21 years old and my husband is 23. We have been married for 3 years and have 2 kids. Before the kids came along my husband and I had an amazing sex life. Nothing was off limits and things were great.

Things are nowhere near that now. Now he gets me in the mood and when it seems I'm just getting started, he cums. Sex lasts 10 minutes with 8 being foreplay. I can't stand it. He says he's just so tired from working that he can't hold out and keep going. I always end up disappointed and upset with him and still yearning to have an orgasm. So I masturbate after he goes to sleep.

I don't know what to do! This is ridiculous. What do I do to get him to have sex longer? We've tried different positions to see if that prolongs sex but it just results in an extra minute or so. I'm at the end of my rope. What can I do if there IS anything I can do? Please help!

A:
I guess he's getting what he wants. Have you both not figured out there are other ways to make you happy? Truth is, many if not most women don't orgasm from intercourse even when it lasts.

The first thing you need to do is make it clear to your husband that you need to be satisfied. And that when you are satisfied, he will be rewarded. Yes he works hard but he can rise to the occasion, and you'll make it worth his while with stimulation and teasing along the way, and no pressure once you get to the screwing.

He may need to do some more work before he gets his. Though I can hardly think of it as work. But work together to find ways to stimulate you before intercourse that bring your pleasure and an orgasm -- manual stimulation, cunnilingus, toys or vibrators. So it's not just foreplay, it's your play. You should certainly be pleasuring him as part of this time.

But the idea is that you cum first. Then he gets to fuck and cum too, however quickly he wants.

It's tough to maintain that sexual spark once you have kids, and it's usually the woman that doesn't want sex as much. Since you still have the desire, make some extra effort to insert flirtation and teasing into your lives, even when it won't lead to sex right then, even with the kids around. It will build desire in him and help him remember what you had before there were kids. Then hopefully he'll be more responsive to your needs.

Advice: I Can't Come II

2008-11-25T18:12:00.004-07:00

Q:
I really need your help. I'm not allowed to by sex toys and I just can't cum!!! I tried rubbing it really hard but I get scared and have to stop...by the way i am 18 ... PLEASE HELP! A toothbrush doesn't work either. I really want to cum! I don't have a boyfriend to help me and my parents hate sex by the way. help...

A:
Rubbing it really hard probably isn't the best way to get there. I can tell you're frustrated, but you're going to need to be calm. And relaxed. And gentle with yourself.

First, go to a drugstore and buy a lubricant such as K-Y Warming Liquid. Choose a time when you have plenty of time and aren't worried about parentus interruptus.

Get warm and cozy and naked in your bed. Don't go right for it. Take some time to appreciate how your hands feel touching yourself all over your body. Lightly brush against your nipples. If that feels good, try pinching them a little, perhaps licking your fingers and touching them to your nipples.

As you begin to get excited then, use some of the lube and start rubbing around your clitoris. Touch yourself all over your genital area. If you like having your nipples stimulated keep one hand there and the other below.

Relax into your desire. Don't go fast. Don't go hard. At least not yet. Imagine a very desirable man is with you sucking your nipples, then licking your clit, and then entering you. Imagine him fucking you and you responding.

Let your instincts take over and hopefully you'll find success.

Erotomania

2008-11-24T14:22:00.006-07:00

I just finished reading Erotomania: A Romance by Francis Levy.

I'm a slow reader, so it took me a few weeks to get through it. During much of that time I was intensely aroused. Then I was grossed out, but intrigued. Then I never wanted to eat again.

This novel is scorchingly hot, screamingly funny and seriously disturbing.

The Village Voice had it right when it headlined its review "Read Book, Wash Hands".

The story begins with a couple who have sex daily, are anonymous to each other, and cum so hard they suffer temporary amnesia each time.

Their relationship progresses (?) from there.

It's a hell of a great read.

Advice: Licking Your Own Lollipop

2008-11-22T23:22:00.002-07:00

Q:
hi there long time reader first time writer. I have been wanting to try and give myself oral pleasure for a while. after a few min of trying my bk hurts and i have to rest. I am 26/m i have wanted to taste myself for quite some time. Can u help me and tell me some easy tricks to help me with my desire/problem?

A:
I assume this is a man writing. They key to success is the right combination of flexibility and penis length.

There are several positions to try, all easily found on the internet by searching "autofellatio".

I recommend you take up yoga with at least weekly classes and a daily at-home practice. It will teach you to stretch in new and effective ways.

Advice: HIV & Oral Stuff

2008-11-21T22:11:00.002-07:00

Q:
i m concerned about if i kiss some guy whom i dont' know much about and if he is infected with HIV. then how many chances are there that i get infect either its HIV or any other STDs. 2ndly if i just do oral with him e.g i give him bj and he eats me a well then can i get HIV or any other serious disease from him.

A:
The risk of contracting HIV from kissing is extremely low, as long as neither of you has any sores and there is no blood exchanged. The risk from you performing oral sex on him is higher, although also slight, but it is strongly suggested you make him wear a condom. Don't believe guys when they say it's no fun with a condom on. Of course everyone prefers to go bareback, but there is plenty of good sensation, not to mention the visual of his dick in your mouth. As well, the risk of contracting it from him performing oral on you is quite slim.

But let's be clear: there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with someone you don't know well and when you both have not been tested. I have tried cunnilingus through a dental dam and have to say it was darn near impossible. Fellatio is just so much more straightforward -- our thing is stick shaped and you lick and suck it. There's no subtlety to what you're going for, although technique certainly does matter.But put a piece of plastic between my tongue and a woman's complex goings on and I just could not find my way to the target.

You know, manual stimulation is fun for everyone. Try it sometime.

Advice: Lasting Longer

2008-11-14T23:09:00.003-07:00

Q:
I am Mirthula 25 yrs old girl from India. Please give tips for prolonged erection and long time intercourse. My partner mostly cum very fast and sometimes not able to maintain erection for a long time. Please advice

A:
There are a number of techniques that you can try. One is called "stop-start". If your partner can identify the moment before he reaches a point of no return, you should both stop moving until the urge subsides, then start again, then stop again several times. One benefit is that for some men, their orgasm when they finally have it is much stronger. You might even test this method as a way of giving him a hand job, where you are more in control. If you can learn the signs of him getting close, you can not only stop moving, but apply pressure to the head of his penis for a while. When he relaxes a bit, start over.

Also, if when you begin intercourse he is thrusting rapidly, an idea is to just slow it down. Calm, slow movement enhance the sensuality and should make the experience last longer.

Assuming your partner is young like you are, he can probably regain an erection fairly soon after ejaculating. Why not give him a hand or blow job first and then move to intercourse for a second round. If he is a generous lover, he should return the favor. He can go down on you while he's waiting to get his hard-on back. Not that you want to get into counting orgasms, but it's the least he can do!

One more technique he can try: as he's getting close to orgasm he should squeeze his pelvic floor muscles. It's the same action he'd use to stop urinating. Exercising those muscles, often called Kegels, has many benefits.

Advice: Yes You Can... Catch Something

2008-11-14T22:54:00.005-07:00

Q:
Now that i am old enough i have been experimenting with lots of different things. One of the things i have just been trying is oral sex... and i must admit that i love it. About a month ago a friend took me to an adult theater. Oh my god! To make a long story short, i ending up sucking off 3 guys in the back of the theater and swallowing their sperm. Now i go every chance i get and always end up with several loads of sperm in my belly, i am addicted. Of course i am worried about what could happen. my question is: do i have to be worried about AIDS or other STDs? What is your advise ? thankyou.

A:
The simple answer is that yes, you are at risk for acquiring HIV or certain other STDs. The odds of catching something are very low, but is it worth putting your health at serious risk for anonymous blow jobs?

Swallowing and spitting likely have the same amount of risk. Even if he pulls out, there's pre-cum. So the long and short of it (hehe) is: this isn't the riskiest behavior, but it's risky nonetheless.

There was a time when I was seeing two women who were both nurses, and they wouldn't put my dick in their mouths without a condom. I made sure to get some nice flavored ones.

I suggest you get a boyfriend who loves blow jobs and can come multiple times in a session. Have him tested, and if he checks out then go to the theater with him and have him pretend he's a few different guys. You'll get your kicks and he'll be very grateful.

sugasm #152

2008-11-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #153? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom

This Week’s Picks

Sugarbutch Star: Maze - The Girl in the Red Dress

“She’s the kind of girl who brings out the worst in me.”

treat or … fuck

“He looked like I had just given him a car for Christmas and he gently took my hand and led me upstairs. ”

A Life Exposed and Amplified

“We were breaking the rules and being dirty.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

I told him I loved him. He gave me a pen.

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Break On Through

Eiffel Tower

Fast Jenny

A Few Orgasms Before Bed

Geisha

Goodbye, my Love

lustlustlust

Mexican Girlfriend

Mixing business and pleasure

Mistaken Identity

Unblemished

Sex Advice

How to Have Anal Sex with a Big Penis

Is Fantasizing Wrong?

Is Sex Without Oral a Dealbreaker? You Decide.

Lasting Longer in Bed

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Georgia Jones wants to go for a ride

HNT. Forest Nymph

HNT! (One more cherry, popped.)

Kamila - The Restoration

More from the knee socks series

PSA: Breast Cancer Awareness

Seductor

Sex Work

Dating Civilians 101

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews

A New Twist on an Anal Sex Toy

On Tuesday, Vote for Equality

BDSM & Fetish

-3 Days

Bad Girl

The big dodge

Blind date: Impressions of a Dom

Dirty Boy

egg scissors

Do you want to cum? How bad?

Jake gets Punished in Spanking Movie

Kneeling In Style

Long Night in Thee Cow Shed

Marked: An Open Letter

Mistress by Proxy, part 2 : the slut

The New Bath Brush

Pimping him out

Pondering Piercings

Quickie

Sex Humour

Friday Poem: Achy Achy Cunt

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

HNT-Time

Hubby’s Halloween Hit. Confession #167

The Space Between

Two women, two stories

Advice: Is Fantasizing Wrong?

2008-11-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

Q:
Ok so I am a happily married women for the past 13 years. We are very sexual and have always had as much sex as we can handle. My problem? I still LOVE to flirt and have fantasy's about other men and sometimes even women. I have had affair type relationships in the past and then have a few really good years. I always feel horrible and becasue not only is my husband wonderful, handsome and sexy. He is a awesome father to our three children and loves me totaly! I am always checking out other men and even get wet just thinking of them touching me. I don't want to loose my huband and screw things up so is there a help group or something I should do? Could this be a chemical thing? (no I don't do drugs.) Could this be inherited? (My father always had a wandering eye.)

A:
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing, or finding other people attractive. And flirting can be OK too. Monogamy is not a natural state, but I believe it's the best way to maintain a meaningful relationship. Thus we have to find outlets for our natural desires to fuck other people. The safest in every way is masturbating while fantasizing. No-one should feel guilty about this.

It might not work for you two, but you might be able to bring your fantasies openly into the bedroom with some role play or dirty talk. He might get turned on as you verbalize your fantasy about another man. Perhaps as you do this you can masturbate and he can join in by sucking your nipples or other tasty stuff, or he can play the part of that other guy who's "doing" you. Perhaps this will give you both permission to try some new sex tricks or positions.

Have you ever discussed with your husband whether he fantasizes about other women? If he's like most men, I assure you he does. And it may be a relief for him to talk about this with you and have you help him play out some fantasies.

If you feel compelled to act on your desires and fantasies you have to make a choice. As you know, affairs, whether sexual or just romantic, are a problem. I'm not moralizing here. It's just pragmatically true that you can't have an affair and give all you need to give to your marriage and family. An occasional screw on the side, done safely, with someone that you won't be tempted to have an ongoing relationship with, preferably out of town, can work. But you have to resign yourself to never spilling the beans. And you have to be prudent in protecting this fact from your husband. If you're not comfortable with this, do not do it. You may find it worthwhile to see a therapist to help you reconcile your lustful desires with your familial priorities.

Advice: He Outgrew His Toys

2008-11-02T11:15:00.001-07:00

Q:
In the past, I used to masturbate to some of the toys I buy, but recently I feel like my penis has gotten bigger to the point that my last toy started to break apart after 2 weeks from the day I bought it. I don't know what to do at this
point and I don't want to buy any more if this keeps up!

A:
Excuse me, but is your name The Incredible Hulk? I think you need a more flexible toy than what you've been buying. Check out Fleshlight.

Advice: I Can't Come

2008-10-31T23:13:00.001-06:00

Q:
I have never had an orgasm. I can't orgasm, not through masturbation, penetration, cunnilingus - nothing seems to work. I feel like I am getting so so so incredibly close, my whole body flushes, i start panting, the throbbing between the legs, but so far haven't been able to come (well at least i don't think so). It is driving me up the wall!!! I don't know what to do to push me over the edge to achieve my first big 'O.' Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A:
I think you need some Al Sensu to get you there.

OK, seriously there's a range of possibilities here. Let's start with "I don't think so." If you haven't experienced something that feels like a release of tension and a river of relaxation, you probably have not climaxed.

More likely, it's possible you've now become too focused and are psyching yourself out. So rather than just masturbation, I'm going to suggest you make love to yourself:

Start with a candlelit bubblebath and your favorite music playing. Maybe have a glass of wine there. Just relax into it. While bathing, close your eyes and touch yourself in all the places that give you pleasure. Massage your breasts, touch or squeeze your nipples. Stroke yourself behind your ears, then elbows. Work your way down to your thighs. Lightly press and massage your labia. Do not think of orgasm, think of sensual pleasure. Stop for a while and then start again. When you are ready, exit the bath and dry yourself in your most luxurious towel.

Go to your bedroom and bring those candles and music. Resume touching yourself, but bring more focus to your erongenous zones. As before, do not think of orgasm, think only of pleasure. Pretend you are with a lover and tell him where and how to touch you while your hands play the part. Close your eyes and relax into the sensation. Perhaps you will be sleepy. Then let yourself fall off to sleep and do this again another night.

Perhaps instead you will find your desire building. Go with it. When you stroke your labia and around your vagina and find your clitoris, use a lubricant, perhaps one of the new warming ones. Do not think of orgasm, just let your fingers do the walking, let them decide what do to, how fast and how hard. With your other hand remember the other parts of your body that love pleasure...your ears, your breasts and nipples. Continue giving them pleasure. Do not think of orgasm, think of giving yourself more pleasure.

I think if you do this in a zen way, without purpose or goal beyond experiencing pleasure, you will relax to the point that your body will surprise you and experience a climax.

Also, you should experiment with vibrators. There are many types and different ones work for different women, so you may have to make an investment until you find the perfect one for you.

You should also experiment with dildos as part of this self-play, especially those designed to stimulate the g-spot. Not every women responds to this, but you might be one who does.

Once you've experienced orgasm on your own, you'll have a better idea of how to experience it with a lover. But remember that many women do not orgasm through intercourse or even cunnilingus. If you find that masturbation, either with your hands or a vibrator, works for you, introduce it to your lovemaking. A confident lover won't mind.

If none of these methods works, please visit your gynecologist and discuss this as there can be a physical/medical reason.

Also, consider seeing a sex surrogate. Hopefully there is one in your area trained to assist with this issue. Example. As to vibrators, lubes and dildos, if there is not a good sex-positive shop in your town or you are uncomfortable going there, I recommend Good Vibrations.

Good luck. Now I have turned myself on writing all this and must, ahem...

Advice: The Young and the Stressed-Out

2008-10-30T22:52:00.006-06:00

Q:
okay, so i am a 19 year old full time student in major debt already. i am in a wonderful relationship and have been for the last 3 years. and me and my hubby to be's sex life has suffered from me starting skewl again from high skewl. because i am so stressed out from everything it is really hard not only for me to get into the mood, for me to let him get me into the mood, but when i do, it seems that i only want really kinky games and such. but i miss our origional love making so much, but it seems it just doesnt do it for me anymore. is this just stress or the relationship failing??? also, i have been unable to masterbate while thinking of him. which hasnt ever been a problem before. i find myself more and more thinking of an ex-girlfriend that i know i will never have again. i still find my baby sexy as hell. i really need some help here...

A:
Whoa! You've got a lot goin' on there, missy.

You are definitely stressed and stress will affect your sex life and perhaps your entire relationship. I think you need to look deeper than the sex part. What else is going on with you two? Are you living together? Is he supporting you? Did he go to college? Is he cool with your schooling? Is he acting any differently? If everything but the sex is good, I doubt the relationship is failing. Sex in most long-term relationships evolves and goes through cycles. You may just be on the "rinse" cycle right now.

If you want to get in the mood, you will. If you really want your old style of non-kinky sex, you'll have it. One woman's kinky in another woman's just trying new stuff. Perhaps you just need to try some new tricks. Maybe what you want isn't all that kinky; I can't tell. But given that you've been with this guy since you were 16, sorry, but what do you know?

Thinking about other people when you masturbate doesn't necessarily mean anything. I think most people in a stable relationship fantasize about other people. It even happens while they're having sex with each other. No biggie.

My advice: If the non-sexual part of your relationship is as good as always, take a chill pill. If this is a truly great partnership, you should find a way to give him what he wants and vice versa. And you should both understand when the other isn't up to that at any given time. Make some popcorn, cuddle up and watch a nice movie.

If you have doubts, remember: You are very young. Your sexual self may be telling you that you need to sow some oats and not be tied down.

Semi-Celibate Man is Back

2008-10-29T22:58:00.006-06:00

Bloggers come and go (or is that cum and go).

I miss Secret Brain, Desireous, Chris, Secretly Sage, Morning Wood and many others. Heck, I've gone through periods of blog-absence and we all have real lives to live.

But one of my favorite bloggers, and someone I consider a virtual friend, is back. It's Semi-Celibate Man.

Check him out.

Advice: Deep Throat

2008-10-29T18:14:00.002-06:00

Q:
I'm a married woman who wants to please her man He says that I do, And that I give great head ;I know that it's good because he cums every time BUT I can't deep throat without gagging. I really want to do this for him sooo, could you give me some tips on how to get my throat muscles to relax. I've tried numbing agents but they numb him also and he doesn't like the feeling or lack thereof.

A:
I think you should start by believing your husband. You're giving him great blow jobs and he's cumming (and many of us need manual stimulation from our woman or by our own hand to cum even with great head).

In my opinion, deep throat is more mystique or athletic than pleasure-providing. I'm not saying it isn't good at all, but it will never replace great fellatio technique. I say this only to assure you that if your motivation comes from a feeling that you should be doing it, relax and forget about it.

There are some people who have a gag reflex and there is nothing you can do about it. But if you want to keep trying, I suggest you practice with some object that is approximately the length and -- as importantly -- width of your husband's penis. Be sure it's something you can remove and won't get caught or stuck in your mouth. A cucumber is an obvious possibility. Or the right dildo. Practice when you're not with your husband.

Breathing technique is important. If you've never taken yoga, look for a class that includes or is focused on yogic breathing. It will help you learn to control your breathing while relaxing into it. I think that will help.

If after such attempts you haven't made progress, don't feel bad. Your husband is a lucky man, and I do believe you are making him happy. BJTC (blow jobs to completion) are a gift.

Advice: Anal Angst

2008-10-27T17:57:00.002-06:00

Q:
So both my fiance and I (She and I are both 20 years old) want to try Anal Sex. We've tried to do it several times but I can't even get the head in before she wants to stop. We've even tried numbing lubricants but that didn't work. Is there anything that we can do?????

A:
I have to begin with what may be a startling admission: Al Sensu has never had anal sex. I haven't been with someone who was into it and I haven't been intrigued enough to ask for it.

That said, I still have advice, of course.

First a question: Does your woman really want to do this? If she has any doubt, fear or resistance, it will be evidenced in a tightening sphincter. Maybe she does want to do it, but is fearful nonetheless. In that case, I would suggest a lubricant for the head such as alcohol or weed, but just for her. I'm normally in favor of sober sex, but this is an exception.

I hope you're engaging in lots of foreplay. Yes, it doesn't lube the ass, but it creates the right atmosphere and heat for a successful entry. I'll need a female reader to chime in and suggest whether it's better for the woman to have orgasmed first or not, and in this I'm assuming it unlikely she will orgasm during anal sex. However, if either of you can reach out and stimulate her clit while you're doing it, there's a decent chance. It could distract her too.

But first you have to get in. So, relax her mind, do lots of making out and foreplay to really be in the mood, and then take. your. time. Try putting the head at her entrance and not push, while rubbing her clit. Get her going and then very slowly, very gently, see if you can enter a bit. Be very willing to go in just a bit, exit and move on to regular intercourse (please change condoms and/or wash yourself first!!).

If she is still resistant but says she wants to try it, next time try entering her with a well-lubed finger. The time after, try for two fingers. And the next time try anal fucking again.

Finally and most important: Do not make this the focus of your sex life. It jwill just add stress for both of you and will make her feel inadequate. Make the anal attempt a fun part of your sex play, not the end-all (so to speak).

do you like boobs a lot?

2008-10-26T10:05:00.002-06:00

Creepy asks, "What's more fun than tits?"

Advice: I Lost My FWB

2008-10-25T17:34:00.009-06:00

Q:
Long story short, I recently lost a female best friend (I'm male). We lost our virginity to each other and since then things went downhill, and now she's living with her "fiance" and doesn't want to talk to me any more. I hate being alone while thinking about whatever they're doing, and I'm extremely afraid of approaching girls.

Because I'm not yet 21, I can't go to bars and meet girls there, and I live in the middle of the country where there aren't many social situations. Do you have any advice on where someone who can't get into a bar can meet girls (either for a relationship or casual flings), and how can I get her off my mind?

A:
That will teach you to fuck your friends! Seriously, there are special situations where people can be real friends, but not romantically involved, have sex, and stay friends. But the odds are against it. "Friends with benefits" situations that work are generally people who are really getting together to have sex, and they happen to like each other. But they're not true friends.

You are missing the A-number one place to hook up in Middle America: Church. Doesn't matter what denomination, and the more fire-and-brimstone the better. Those people are repressed and probably quite horny. And the girls your age are likely there to please their parents and are itching to step out.

If you're looking for a real relationship, then choose a church you can abide by, even if you're not a believer. And you don't have to go to services. Join a youth group or one of the many do-gooder activities they have.

If there are enough Jews in your area to have a Synagogue, go there. I can tell you from personal experience, we welcome everyone, and Jewish girls are loose.

While you're waiting for something new to percolate, the best way to get the old friend and her fiance off your mind is to watch lots of youporn.com and redtube.com and masturbate at least twice a day. There won't be much left to think about.