Sex Advice: Is he still attracted to me?

Q:
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 8. I'm 35 and he's 38. He had an affair, but I did not find out about it until after it ended. We've been through marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better, but he blurted out recently that this just wasn't working for him and he can't make me happy. I'm thinking this is preposterous as I enjoy being with my husband, I enjoy having sex with him, and I really enjoy our life. Could he be more attentive and affectionate? Sure, but so can most guys right? After a lot of tears and conversation, he says he wants us to work.

My problem is this...he spends a lot of time online looking at various types of porn, erotic stories, and personal ads and then says he's not attracted to me any more. How can he be? I don't look anything like the girls he looks at online. I'm not a stick, but I'm not a cow either. He's not fat by any means, but he is very out of shape, so he really doesn't have any room to criticize. In addition, it's not only heterosexual porn he's looking at...he's really interested in transsexual porn as well as gay male porn. Most of the personal ads he looks at are for transsexuals and gay men.

He swears he's not gay - his affair was with a woman - but I'm thinking he has some serious issues. I love him and I don't want to end my marriage, but I feel like I've been living in limbo for nearly a year now and I don't know what to do.

A:
You're right...he does have serious issues.

I look at lots of porn with younger, firmer women. My wife doesn't look like them, and in reality I don't wish to be with them. Fantasizing about having sex with them does not make me less attracted to my wife. And yeah, I've put on a few pounds myself, so I get your point! It sounds cliche, but your husband may be in the throes of mid-life crisis. Unfortunately for many, the only result is they go off in search of nubile young things and either find them or not, but very often come crawling back to their wives.

As to the fascination with gay and tran porn and personals, it could be just curiosity, but as a totally straight man with no issues with people who are different, I can't imagine looking at that stuff. Why? At best, it doesn't interest me and at worst, well, I just don't want to see that. Thus, my opinion is he is not 100% on the straight end of the scale and may want to try it out. I have a good friend from high school whose husband is a little bi, and she has come to terms with the fact that he will sometimes feel the need to act on it. They've stayed married, and mostly happily, for more than 30 years. She doesn't like this aspect of him, but has accepted it.

So if he "he wants us to work" he needs to work at it. And part of that is being honest with himself and with you about what his desires, needs and attractions are. And whether he truly is no longer attracted to you, because that could be a deal-killer. I strongly recommend couples therapy, and I think he could use some individual therapy as well.

Advice: Older Married Sex

Q:
i am 76 my wife is 74 we have sex once a week. i take viagra we have sex for about 2 or 3 minutes then i get soft so then i do oral on her n she gets wild when she cums n i love doing it to her. then i watch a porn movie n can cum no problem but not while we are having sex

A:
First, congratulations on having an active sex life in your 70s. A lot of folks just give up and there's no reason to barring medical problems.

It sounds to me that intercourse isn't stimulating enough, at least not the way you are doing it. You may need direct stimulation of your balls while you're having sex.

I don't know how limber you and your wife are, but one good way to accomplish this is to do it doggie style and have her reach back with one hand to lightly massage and squeeze your sac. as well she can stimulate your perineum and around your butthole if you're comfortable with that.

If you can't make it happen during intercourse, no problem. But it sounds like after you make her cum you're on your own? She should participate in your final act. With or without the porn, she can do oral, help you with her hands (you wank while she plays with your balls, for instance), or just kiss you while you jerk off.

Advice: Sexually Frustrated Wife

Q:
I am 21 years old and my husband is 23. We have been married for 3 years and have 2 kids. Before the kids came along my husband and I had an amazing sex life. Nothing was off limits and things were great.

Things are nowhere near that now. Now he gets me in the mood and when it seems I'm just getting started, he cums. Sex lasts 10 minutes with 8 being foreplay. I can't stand it. He says he's just so tired from working that he can't hold out and keep going. I always end up disappointed and upset with him and still yearning to have an orgasm. So I masturbate after he goes to sleep.

I don't know what to do! This is ridiculous. What do I do to get him to have sex longer? We've tried different positions to see if that prolongs sex but it just results in an extra minute or so. I'm at the end of my rope. What can I do if there IS anything I can do? Please help!

A:
I guess he's getting what he wants. Have you both not figured out there are other ways to make you happy? Truth is, many if not most women don't orgasm from intercourse even when it lasts.

The first thing you need to do is make it clear to your husband that you need to be satisfied. And that when you are satisfied, he will be rewarded. Yes he works hard but he can rise to the occasion, and you'll make it worth his while with stimulation and teasing along the way, and no pressure once you get to the screwing.

He may need to do some more work before he gets his. Though I can hardly think of it as work. But work together to find ways to stimulate you before intercourse that bring your pleasure and an orgasm -- manual stimulation, cunnilingus, toys or vibrators. So it's not just foreplay, it's your play. You should certainly be pleasuring him as part of this time.

But the idea is that you cum first. Then he gets to fuck and cum too, however quickly he wants.

It's tough to maintain that sexual spark once you have kids, and it's usually the woman that doesn't want sex as much. Since you still have the desire, make some extra effort to insert flirtation and teasing into your lives, even when it won't lead to sex right then, even with the kids around. It will build desire in him and help him remember what you had before there were kids. Then hopefully he'll be more responsive to your needs.