Our Gift to Womankind

Advice: Panty Fetish

Q:
I am a man with a panty fetish. I mainly like to wear womens underwear, bras, pantyhose but sometimes i like to dress up. I am really nervous to shop for them! so my question is, How can I get my own panties w/o going online to buy? And my second question is how can I spice up my little fetish? I have been dressing in these things for about 2 years and all I do is wear them under clothes and stuff. So is there any advice you have for me to spice it all up a little? My third question would how can enjoy a little anal play w/o a partner or dildo/buttplug?

A:
It's easy for you to buy panties in person. Lots of men buy lingerie for their women, so you won't seem out of place when shopping at Victoria's Secret, or wherever you choose.

How you spice it up is really determined by your comfort level. If you don't currently have a lover, do you have a female friend who is very open? You two could have a lingerie party together -- try things on for each other and so on. Who knows where that could lead?

As to your last question, it's really a matter of reach. If you are on your own and don't want to use a toy, the only solution I can think of is to lube up a finger and stick it there. Not everyone can accomplish that and I'm personally not tempted to try.

Advice: The Catholic Mind

Q:
I find myself in a very awkward situation and I am in need of your knowledgeable advice... I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with a wonderful man who makes me very happy. There is nothing more in this world that I want more than to be with him, but I have a personal problem that I need to sort out before I can commit myself to being in a "true" relationship with him (long term). Ever since I can remember, I've had issues with men and their ideologies about women being objects of gratification. I was raised Roman Catholic and found that it was very difficult as a woman to be given any leeway when it came to sexuality or sexual gratification. As I grew older and found myself desiring self gratification, I found that my thoughts during masturbation were not those of a woman receiving pleasure from a man, but those of a MAN GIVING PLEASURE TO A WOMAN! I have never been able to orgasm from sexual intercourse, and even when I'm having sex with a man I still find myself thinking about what the physical discourse is from their perspective rather than my own. Now I am in a relationship where I can not orgasm from sexual intercourse with the man who I truly feel is the "one for me", and to make matters worse when I masturbate to thoughts of him I can not achieve an orgasm unless I visualize my pleasure from his perspective (penetrating my body with his member, "coming through him" as it were). I know for a fact that I am a heterosexual woman, with no desire myself to be a man; I love my female body and would not trade it for anything in the world. I guess what I would like to know after explaining all of this is if there is any way to "re-train" my thinking so that I would be able to climax as a woman in my own mind, rather than being dependent on the pleasure of a man's orgasm for my own gratification?

A:
There can be reasons other than your "confusion" that you are not having orgasms during intercourse. It's just not unusual for a woman to need other forms of stimulation to climax.

As to your issue though with viewing the pleasure you receive through the prism of a man's perspective, I admit I am at a loss, and hope there will be some comments on this one. My sense is that you are overthinking, perhaps, and should just accept the pleasure in whatever way it comes to you. In other words, if you climax, you are climaxing as a woman regardless of what happened in your mind to get you there.

Advice: No Longer Uptight

Q:

I used to be very, VERY uptight about sex. I was raised very strictly Catholic. In my senior year of high school, I lost my virginity to a long time boyfriend. Neither of us knew anything about the world and, at the time, thought that we were perfect for each other and would be together forever. In the end, after going to college things between us ended. He had cheated on me and, needless to say, I was pissed. Anyways, long story short one of my new friends at college, who was thankfully fully apart from my small town and "sex without a relationship/marriage is bad" attitude, managed to talk me into going out with her and eventually having sex with a guy just for the fun of it. I loved it. It was just what I needed and through a process of discovery (and a few one night stands) I lost most of my sexual inhibitions and am able to pretty much be myself in the bedroom. I am now in a great stable relationship and engaged.

My problem is that I want to discuss this with my oldest and best friends. I have known them since we were in diapers and in the past discussed everything with them. I have no problems discussing things with my friends I have met since my sexual revelations. The problem lies with the one or two best friends I have had since high school. They knew how I was then, I even criticized their decisions to have sex. I told them about a couple of the sexual encounters I had and got a lot of backlash from it. They said things about how now I turned into the slut and remind me of just how uptight I used to be. I can't even get to talking about my feelings about this because of how much crap they give me about how I was 5 years ago!!! I miss having those in depth conversations with them about sex that I could when I was with my first. Ever since they found out that I had multiple partners I can't mention the word sex to them if I don't want to hear it.

How can I make them understand that I know I was wrong in the past and I have seen the light about sex? These are my best friends and I love them to death, I just want them to be able to accept me as I am now, not just as I was in high school.

A:

I always like questions that start, "How can I make them understand...?" All you can do is explain yourself to them. It's up to them whether they wish to understand or call you names.

If these are truly still great friends, they will understand. They may not agree with what you have done or everything about what you do now, but they will find a way to be supportive.

If all they want to do is carp at you, call you a slut, complain about how uptight you used to be (after you admit that you were), then sadly they are no longer the friends they once were to you.

Advice: Concern for a Friend

Q:

My friend likes to Put on girl clothes and pretend he is a girl and have sex with his blanket. Is this wrong? if it is, what can I do?

A:

It's somewhat unusual, especially the part about having sex with his blanket. I assume you mean he is masturbating and somehow involving a comforting blanket in the act. There's nothing wrong with that -- perhaps messy -- nor with dressing up in girl's clothing.

If he is simply doing that in the privacy of his home, there should be no problem. Cross-dressing outside the home can cause problems. I'm not making a judgment, but society does. If you are school age, he will open himself to ridicule. And that can even be true for an adult. It's unfortunate, but that's just how society is.

As to the happy blanket situation, my question is whether this is a substitute for expressing his sexuality, whether straight or gay, with other humans. Especially if he is gay and either does not realize it or is afraid to admit it, and the blanket is a substitute for real relationships, that is not healthy.

I am not a trained therapist, so these are simply my opinions. If after reading this you remain concerned, you might suggest that your friend see a therapist and describe what he is doing to get a professional opinion.

Advice: Desiring Bigger Loads

Q:
How can I increase the amount of ejaculate I produce?

A:
Ah, a subject near and dear to my heart. As I wrote in one of my first posts:

Now, long past the point at which procreation is an issue, all I get is a dribble. Had no warning it would be like this. Even porn cum shots, if the guy is 50 or older, aren't that interesting. Sometimes I'll skip a couple of days, just in the hope of getting a good squirt. Difficult to express why this matters, but I think it is part of the male hard-wiring to create something from nothing. So now the bathroom mirror, wall and ceiling are completely safe.

There are a number of nutrients believed to increase the amount of semen. Since writing that ditty I started taking 2000mg of L-Arginine 1000mg of L-Ornithine and 1000mg of L-Lysine daily and I have seen an improvement. In general, amino acids are said to help.  I also read somewhere that wheat germ does, so why not try that -- it's good for you anyway. And drink lots of water, like eight 8-ounce glasses a day. We should all do that anyway.

Advice: Can't Cum During Intercourse

Q:
I'm a 23 year old male. Just got engaged. I'm with the love of my life, and we have a pretty healthy sexual relationship. We have a lot of intercourse when I'm home (I’m an over the road truck driver). When we're having sex I can't cum without jerking myself off to finish. We've tried a lot of things to try to build up the orgasm in me, but nothing seems to work. We've tried lube, candles, porn. But at the end it still comes down to me jacking off in order for me to cum. Is there something wrong with me? Does this happen to a lot of guys? I just want to be able to build up my orgasm and have it without having to pull out of my fiance an jack off. I want to be able to stay in her an build up an for us to cum together for once instead of her cumming, and then I have to pull out an jack off. Please help!

A:

You may or may not have a physiological problem, so my first advice is to see a doctor. You don't say whether you've had sexual relationships before and whether this was an issue if you did.

You may just not be getting the exact stimulation you need from intercourse with your fiance, and it could be attributable to fit, to the amount or lack of natural lubrication or any number of things. One thing I can definitely recommend is that you make love is a position where she can reach your testicles.

For some guys, direct stimulation of the balls is what will bring them over the top. Just give her direction so that what she does is pleasurable for you.

Until you find a solution, try to relax about this. Make sure she's involved in bringing you off after you pull out.  Even if you want to or need to do the handwork, she should not be an idle observor. She can be kissing you and touching your other erotic zones, including your testicles. If sexy/dirty talk helps you, encourage her to do that too. Good luck!

Advice: Easing a wife into different sexual positions

Q:

What in your opinion would be the best way to get a wife who is conservative and not open to sexual discussion?

I would love to open her eyes to more than missionary. Any tips?

A:

Sounds like you got one. Just kidding, I know from your subject heading what you mean.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to get her to talk, because just flipping her over in bed is not a good approach. Hopefully you have good communication in other aspects of your marriage.

I would find a relaxed time to tell her there's something you want to discuss. Acknowledge that it seems she's uncomfortable talking about sexual matters. Make clear that it's as important to you to be able to talk about your desires as it is to talk about (name another subject, preferably one that's important to her).

Tell her you love her and find her attractive, and that if you didn't you wouldn't be having this discussion. Tell her that you love having sex with her, but desire more variety. Assure her that you're not thinking of anything bizarre or kinky, just that you want to do things differently from time to time. It will give you pleasure. It may even give her pleasure. And promise that if she's open to trying different positions but finds anything you suggest uncomfortable, you'll move on.

If she's not open to having this discussion, I think you need to insist on seeing a marriage therapist, because an entire life is too long to live without at least trying to have a satisfying sex life. If she won't go, go yourself and let her know you are doing so.