Advice: How Not To Be A Stalker

Q:
Three years ago I put myself through a very messy breakup. I was a 21 year old male desperately in love with a 20 year female, shy, home schooled, and living across the country from me. The writing was on the wall so to speak. In a lot of ways I have never gotten over her, even though I have found pleasant, caring relationships since. The finger pointing has since faded in memory, except one question; did I stalk her? When we broke up I slowly fell into a dark place where I thought I could get her back. In retrospect, I just needed closure, and was going the very wrong way about it. My point is this: halfway through that hell I realized what I was doing, just didn't know how to stop. I guess I should point out I was never threatening, or angry, just love sick and overbearing. It was a lot of emails filled with emotional junk, phone calls to see how she was, checking out her myspace and work site. I even went so far to email her new (or so I thought) boyfriend. All I said was congratulations and virtually shake his hand and ask him to take care of her. At the time I just wanted the pain to end, but I see now I was putting myself through the torture. I finally begged her to make her social webpage private, just so I wouldn't be tempted. I deleted her phone numbers and tried to forget her, but it was hard and still is painful. Even today I wonder how she is, but I only wish her the best. My question is, do they have a group where stalkers (even though I hate that word I don't want to sugarcoat it) can go and support each other? I mean if the is one for sex, and ones for smokers, is stalking too taboo? Do you know of any such group? Just something I was always curious about because I think it really would have helped me, and thus her, through all that junk.

A:
The support groups related to stalkers that I'm aware of are for the victims. That said, from your description I wouldn't classify you as a stalker in the true sense, although you exhibited some tendencies. You were lovesick and inexperienced in relationships.

It's not unnatural to have a strong curiosity and perhaps resentment and jealousy about what an ex is doing. But it also isn't healthy.

You recognize the problem and understand a lot about what you are doing and feeling, just not what to do about it. I think that counseling would really be helpful in getting you "unstuck" and suggest you find a psychotherapist to help you.

If any readers have experienced this problem and found a solution, please share it in comments.

There's something in that French water...

Advice: How To Take Control

Q:
Hello!!! I want to know some ways to take control in the bedroom. My partner loves it, but I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over. I give him blow jobs when I run out of new things (it works like a charm). I need something new please help.

A:
There are so many directions you can go in and it really depends on what you're looking for. It may be simply moving away from a routine -- trying different positions for intercourse; changing the way in which you engage in foreplay. Or you may need to stretch into totally new things such as dominance/submission or bondage (light or serious). My suggestion is to go to the bookstore and read a couple of books on bedroom techniques to find what appeals to you. Then just try some stuff. Some men are complacent -- if they're getting blown or laid, they're satisfied. You may also need to let your partner know you expect some creativity from him.

Advice: I'm Not Perfect

Q:
i m married and had a child of 3 month. i can not do sex more then once at a time.......... shape of my panic is nerrow at the edge. I can do masterbat several times in a day...........but not sex............and my penic band down if my wife ride me wile sex ............ she never complains..........and she had orgazm also........but i think i m not perfect..........wht can i do?


A:
Believe me, none of us is perfect.

Make sure your penis doesn't bend too much! If she's facing you, next time have her face away from you (reverse cowgirl) and see if it is more comfortable. I wouldn't worry that you only cum one time when having sex vs. several times in a day masturbating. Maybe the positions you use aren't giving you the right stimulation. Consider asking your wife to jerk you off after she has her orgasm.