Monday, March 23, 2009

Advice: Breasts for my lover?

Q:
hello i'm a gay male. my lover would like me to have breasts. we can not afford implants is there anything that we can do to enlarge my chest he like for me to have least 36d. i'm 6' 0 tall my weight is 145 lbs hope you can suggest something thank you

A:
Grow older and don't diet or exercise - you'll get man-boobs for sure.


I'm sorry, but I think female breasts are one of the things you don't get if you're gay. Are you sure your lover isn't bi? If he was then you could invite a female into your love life.

If he wants you to look like you have tits, get some falsies and wear them when you're dressed, but I know of no substitutes for the real or fake things when you're nekkid.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Advice: Why can’t I get my wife aroused?

Q:
Recently married to wife who is 40. And had cervical cancer three years ago.
She has told me that she has had sex with more men then she can remember none of this mattered. I told her I love her and we moved on. Now however she doesn't ever seem interested in sex unless I initiate she has never had an orgasm with me and always seems real dry. Please help !

A:
Did you even discuss sex before you got married? You might have received some insights.

I don't know if this is related, either physiologically or psychologically, to her cancer experience.

You say you've moved on from learning about her past experience, but it's obvious you're bugged because she used to screw a lot and now she doesn't want to. It's not about you. Women (and men) go through stages where they do different things.

If she's not experiencing pleasure when you have sex, that would be a good tip off to why she's not interested.

They key is getting her interested in finding a solution. She may not be getting aroused due to hormonal issues, and that certainly could be related to her cancer. I'm guessing even if she is not of menopausal age, she may have had a hysterectomy (sorry I'm not more informed on the subject of cervical cancer treatment).

Let's address possible physiological reasons first and suggest she consult her gynecologist about this.

But also ask her if there's any other possible reason she can think of that she's not interested in or having a good time with you in bed. She may need some different kinds or amounts of attention than you're used to.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Advice: Can a feminist be a sub?

Q:
Before I go any farther, I'd like to state that I am a woman, and a strong-willed, modern one at that, someone who comes from a long line of independent feminists. That's one of the reasons that the following have started to make me think. You see, I seem to have an issue with women.

When I masturbate, whether I'm watching something or just fantasizing, pretty much the only situations that get me off are D/s, BDSM. bondage, or forced orgasm. Anything where the woman is in the weaker position, and held/tied down and forced to feel pleasure, whether she wants it or not. I've fantasized about being raped, gangbanged, about being part of a D/s relationship, I used to go through elaborate ways of tying myself down... the thing is that nothing else turns me on like these things do. Loving, romantic, gentle sex is...fine, but not something that gets me excited. I want screaming, crying, begging...but if the woman starts to show any sign of being in power, that's it for me. Takes me completely out of it. I don't get it.

Another thing is that again, when masturbating, it cannot be me doing it, or it doesn't work. I have to have a hands-free vibe or one I can slip into my underwear and press against. My hands can be on my breasts and it doesn't matter that they're mine...but I cannot be "in control" of any pleasure I receive or else any fantasy completely shatters and I never orgasm.

...What's wrong with me?

A:
Dr. Sensu assures you there is nothing wrong with you.

I'm sure the shrinks have theories about why certain things are turn-ons for certain people, especially when those turn-ons seem in conflict with other aspects of the individual. I choose not to worry about that shit. My philosophy is that if it feels good and nobody is getting coerced or hurt, just lie back and enjoy it.

Instead or worrying about or fighting that which turns you on, explore it. Find the greatest pleasure and excitement you can.

You don't say what your non-masturbatory sex life is like. I can speak about this from personal experience. At middle age I was single and got into a relationship. We were having fun being together, but the sexual sparks weren't really there. Then she confided that she had always fantasized about some of the same things you do and would like me to take her into that world. I had absolutely no experience with this, nor had I even fantasized about it. I am a strong feminist, opposed to any form of subjugation or inequality of women, yet I performed rape fantasies with her and liked it. I do nothing of this in my current relationship and am perfectly happy about that, but am grateful for the experiences I had with her. It's hard to describe, but I discovered aspects of myself I didn't know were there.

Enjoy your masturbation, and perhaps if you're really fortunate you'll find someone you will feel safe with to explore your deepest fantasies and desires.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Advice: The Green Monster (and not at Fenway)

Note: This, as with most of the questions I've been answering, were sent to my friend Aspasia Fern. Aspasia has retired from the advice business, so I've offered to do my best for her correspondents.

Q:
I have been an avid reader of your advice column for a while now, and while it seems to have been a long time since you did a batch post on Literotica, I am hoping that this gets to you, and that you have the time (and the patience) to write, even if it doesn't end up in a column there.

I have a whole lot of questions kind of rolled up into one, and I don't know any local professionals out here that I would trust enough to ask about any of them. Having read the advice you have given others, however, I think that you might be exactly the person to ask these things.

I am a twenty-five year old male, and in a rather complicated relationship. My girlfriend of six months is beautiful, loving, amazingly passionate, experimental, and responsive sexually... in short, everything any reasonable man could want, and then some. She makes me very happy, and I am told (often, both in bed and out) that I make her happy too. There are a few tiny hang-ups, however, that I was hoping you could help me to sort out.

I was my girl's first sexual experience, and while she is very happy with our sex life and enjoys it as much as I do, we are still early enough in our relationship that I worry sometimes that she may not be seeing me through clear eyes. A woman's first man tends to have a strong impact on her, positive or negative, and I have a few confidence issues after my last relationship, and it has got me constantly worried that when the shine wears off, she is going to wander off.

It does not help that, given the way in which my last relationship ended, I have some HORRIBLE jealousy issues to work through. My girlfriend has a large bevy of male friends, always has, just as I have many female friends. I trust her absolutely, and never for a second have believed I had to worry about her cheating on me, but it still makes me bristle whenever she is spending time hanging out with another man. Making things worse, I know that my feelings are irrational, given my trust in her, so I feel like I am going insane, being childish, or both.

I have spoken to her about these things, and she has offered to cut back on socializing, but I do NOT want to change her that way. That said, I don't want to have to wrestle with the green monster anymore either, especially given that it's an unfamiliar, unpleasant feeling for me. Do you know of some healthy things I can do to try and get my worries about our relationship under control? I realize it's all in my head, but I am afraid that my inability to let it go may very well destroy the happiest time of my life with a woman I love very, very deeply.

Whether you are able to respond or not, it felt really good to type this, and if I do hear back, thank you in advance.

A:
You are right to be concerned that when you spoke to her about your jealousy she agreed to cut back on socializing. That's not a healthy response for either of you. If the question was simply that you want to spend more time with her, that's a reasonable one to address and see if she agrees. But anything other than that smells of coercion, and that plants a bad seed in the relationship.

While both members of a couple can, and should, have their own friends, I think it's worth trying to mix it up and see if some of her friends can also be your friends and vice versa. Arrange some very casual get-togethers, either in small or large groups. At the very least, you should get to know each others' friends even if you don't become friends with them yourselves.

Please realize that if you truly trusted her, you would no more be jealous of time she spends with male friends than with female friends. The fact is that you do not have complete trust.

If you will not see a therapist (which I would recommend), you'll have to work this out by yourself, and perhaps you'll just need more time. You need to recognize that each person and each relationship is different. Live the one you are in day by day and don't focus on what might happen down the line. Yes, she may leave you. But you may leave her. Or you may grow old together. It's really never possible to know, so why sweat it?

Give yourself permission to be happy.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Advice: Like a Virgin

Q:
I'm an 18 going on 19 virgin and masturbate constantly just by rubbing my clit. I'm afraid that penetration will break my hymen and my future first time will not believe I'm a virgin. The guy I like is actually younger than me but good Lord; he is the most erotic being on the face of the planet! The two days before Valentines day I licked the head of his penis. Mind you I was terrified, I don't know why, but I am terrified of penises, but desperately want this gentleman to fuck my brains out. What's a girl to do? I want him to be my first. How do I seduce him so he can't get me out of his head? (Pun intended)

A:
I think if he's already let you lick his penis, there's not much you'll need to do to seduce him. I would caution you that if your "gentleman" is under 18 you could find yourself charged with statutory rape. I also think it's way past the time that anyone should be hung up about whether a woman is a virgin or not.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Advice: I love big butts!

Q:
I love doggie style, but my wife has a big butt, and I'm not that big. how do I get her?

A:
How do you get her what? Typically, doggie style is a great way to get deep penetration. But there are different ways to do it from her up on all fours, to her head and arms flat on the bed that will create different angles of, um, attack for you. I would just keep trying adjustments until you find that angle. You may want to try it with her at the edge of the bed and you standing.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Advice: Uncle Crush?

Q:
Ok, i have a question, but am not really sure how to put it.

I am 18 and am bi, and i have a major attraction towards my uncle who i live with,
there have been times (such as australia day) when someones bought up the topic hooking up and he's gone, "there's nobody but my niece and i'm not gonna do that".

Does this mean he's thought about it?

please help me...i'm so confused..

A:
Sounds like perhaps he has thought about it. Good for him that he says he won't act on it. Bad that he has said that aloud.

Don't know how it works in Australia, but in the States, you are sexually of age at 18 and can do what you wish, as can your uncle. However, it sounds as if he's been acting as a parent. Blood relation aside, he is in a position of trust and in my opinion it would not be healthful for you to have a romantic or sexual relationship. You may simply be experiencing a crush based on proximity.

Go out, meet boys your age. Do not act of your attraction to your uncle or tempt him to do so. Make sure you are doing something useful in your life such as school or a job, and try to meet guys there.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Advice: Does an age difference matter?

Q:
Well I do not know where to start but I will give it a go. I am 26 (nearly 27 !) and I have started dating a man who is 38.

We met on a dating website and really got attracted to each other. However, we both had doubt about the age difference and did not see each other for a few weeks. However it did not last and we decided to date each other for good, I am comfortable with him but still I feel a bit lost regarding sexual behaviour ...

He is very different from all the other blokes i have been out with. He is a bit sex mad (well just like any men, he likes to mention it and have a joke about it) but in bed he gets rather tired quickly according to me ...I do not want to be rude nor mean but I thought that he would have more experience and more "stamina" than me.

Otherwise it is just that he is actually ...shy. Lots of people talk about sex and do dirty jokes ..but it does not mean they feel comfy in bed isn`t it?

My problem is : I do not know how to talk about it. I am sexually ...open-minded and not that shy usually. But with that guy I do not know what to say nor how to behave (i do not want him to think that I am a bit too naughty ...or too passive). I really do not know how to behave and what to say.

I really enjoy having sex with him, but we seem to struggle a bit. Is it because it is a new relationship? (I had slept with the same lad for 2 years ...so it was a kinda of a challenge for me really!)

Is age affecting your sexual ability and desire? How can I help him having better sex life with (he never said he did not enjoy it, quite the opposite but it does not look like it.) without appearing too mean, naughty or rude?

He is such a lovely guy and he has got everything I have ever wanted ...there is only that problem that I can`t handle.

A:
I feel you are over-thinking this. How to handle this and what to say is to just say what's on your mind. Don't worry about seeming too naughty or the opposite; just be yourself. Now, do it kindly and lovingly, but be straight with him as you have been with me.

Age does affect stamina and sexual performance, however from where I sit, 38 ain't that old. You indeed may just be noticing the difference between the average guy in his 20s and a fellow near 40. And, every individual is different. But it's also possible your guy is out of shape or has some other medical issue that is sapping his energy. His blue talk may be a cover for what he himself senses is inadequacy in the sack. It's also not fair for you to expect he'd have more experience just because he's older. I had sex with only one woman until I was his age and then was cast out into the dating market for the first time since I was 17, so imagine my lack of experience! As well, not every guy is so much a sex fiend, but may feel they have to act like they are.

So tell him you love having sex with him. Tell him your desires and ask how he feels about them. Do this when you're not in bed! Ask him what he wants most from your sex life together. Do this over a nice cup of tea, when you're both relaxed.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Advice: Trapped in a Boy's Body

Q:
Ever since I can remember, I have wished whole-heartedly that I had been born a girl. I fantasise from the perspective of a girl, I have a complete persona as a girl, I admit that I am even one of those people who on occasion pretends to be one online, and I find it really satisfying. I mean, I have chatted with men for a few hours and they want to marry me. I'm good at being a girl.

When I was younger and in uni, I went through a goth phase (who doesn't?) and I dabbled a little with makeup, and occasionally wearing women's underwear, but it really isn't for me. I am not a transvestite, and I don't want to have dozens of operations to make me into a quasi-woman, so I'm not a transsexual either.

But I feel awkward as a man. I'm not manly, but I'm not camp either. Even though I fantasise from a female perspective, I don't feel that I'm gay (not least because I also like women), and if I imagine myself in a relationship with a man it feels wrong. It's pretty frustrating.

I don't really know what I expect you to say, but it's hard to talk about and I've not really discussed it with anyone. I don't feel that it's something I could physically say to anyone I know. I'm pretty shy when it comes to matters of love and sex, at least with people I know in the real world.

I guess there are some fantasies that just can't be fulfilled, and I'm not desperately unhappy as a man. There are benefits (no bleeding from my non-existent vagina every month), like having a much cheaper underwear bill.

Well, anyway, thanks for providing me with an outlet, at least a void, to send this into.

A:
I'm glad you wrote. My only advice is to accept yourself for who you are. I don't expect it's easy, and many will not accept you. While it's fun for you to dabble online and make believe, I think you should explore the real world and hopefully you will find kindred souls and people to love and accept you. And who knows -- maybe there's the perfect match, a girl who feels like a man but likes men!



Monday, March 09, 2009

Advice: Finding Her G-Spot

Q: How do I exactly find a woman's g spot while licking her clit and fingering her?

A:
I'll hand this one over to Finding The G-Spot.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Advice: Panty Fetish

Q:
I am a man with a panty fetish. I mainly like to wear womens underwear, bras, pantyhose but sometimes i like to dress up. I am really nervous to shop for them! so my question is, How can I get my own panties w/o going online to buy? And my second question is how can I spice up my little fetish? I have been dressing in these things for about 2 years and all I do is wear them under clothes and stuff. So is there any advice you have for me to spice it all up a little? My third question would how can enjoy a little anal play w/o a partner or dildo/buttplug?

A:
It's easy for you to buy panties in person. Lots of men buy lingerie for their women, so you won't seem out of place when shopping at Victoria's Secret, or wherever you choose.

How you spice it up is really determined by your comfort level. If you don't currently have a lover, do you have a female friend who is very open? You two could have a lingerie party together -- try things on for each other and so on. Who knows where that could lead?

As to your last question, it's really a matter of reach. If you are on your own and don't want to use a toy, the only solution I can think of is to lube up a finger and stick it there. Not everyone can accomplish that and I'm personally not tempted to try.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Advice: The Catholic Mind

Q:
I find myself in a very awkward situation and I am in need of your knowledgeable advice... I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with a wonderful man who makes me very happy. There is nothing more in this world that I want more than to be with him, but I have a personal problem that I need to sort out before I can commit myself to being in a "true" relationship with him (long term). Ever since I can remember, I've had issues with men and their ideologies about women being objects of gratification. I was raised Roman Catholic and found that it was very difficult as a woman to be given any leeway when it came to sexuality or sexual gratification. As I grew older and found myself desiring self gratification, I found that my thoughts during masturbation were not those of a woman receiving pleasure from a man, but those of a MAN GIVING PLEASURE TO A WOMAN! I have never been able to orgasm from sexual intercourse, and even when I'm having sex with a man I still find myself thinking about what the physical discourse is from their perspective rather than my own. Now I am in a relationship where I can not orgasm from sexual intercourse with the man who I truly feel is the "one for me", and to make matters worse when I masturbate to thoughts of him I can not achieve an orgasm unless I visualize my pleasure from his perspective (penetrating my body with his member, "coming through him" as it were). I know for a fact that I am a heterosexual woman, with no desire myself to be a man; I love my female body and would not trade it for anything in the world. I guess what I would like to know after explaining all of this is if there is any way to "re-train" my thinking so that I would be able to climax as a woman in my own mind, rather than being dependent on the pleasure of a man's orgasm for my own gratification?

A:
There can be reasons other than your "confusion" that you are not having orgasms during intercourse. It's just not unusual for a woman to need other forms of stimulation to climax.

As to your issue though with viewing the pleasure you receive through the prism of a man's perspective, I admit I am at a loss, and hope there will be some comments on this one. My sense is that you are overthinking, perhaps, and should just accept the pleasure in whatever way it comes to you. In other words, if you climax, you are climaxing as a woman regardless of what happened in your mind to get you there.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Advice: No Longer Uptight

Q:

I used to be very, VERY uptight about sex. I was raised very strictly Catholic. In my senior year of high school, I lost my virginity to a long time boyfriend. Neither of us knew anything about the world and, at the time, thought that we were perfect for each other and would be together forever. In the end, after going to college things between us ended. He had cheated on me and, needless to say, I was pissed. Anyways, long story short one of my new friends at college, who was thankfully fully apart from my small town and "sex without a relationship/marriage is bad" attitude, managed to talk me into going out with her and eventually having sex with a guy just for the fun of it. I loved it. It was just what I needed and through a process of discovery (and a few one night stands) I lost most of my sexual inhibitions and am able to pretty much be myself in the bedroom. I am now in a great stable relationship and engaged.

My problem is that I want to discuss this with my oldest and best friends. I have known them since we were in diapers and in the past discussed everything with them. I have no problems discussing things with my friends I have met since my sexual revelations. The problem lies with the one or two best friends I have had since high school. They knew how I was then, I even criticized their decisions to have sex. I told them about a couple of the sexual encounters I had and got a lot of backlash from it. They said things about how now I turned into the slut and remind me of just how uptight I used to be. I can't even get to talking about my feelings about this because of how much crap they give me about how I was 5 years ago!!! I miss having those in depth conversations with them about sex that I could when I was with my first. Ever since they found out that I had multiple partners I can't mention the word sex to them if I don't want to hear it.

How can I make them understand that I know I was wrong in the past and I have seen the light about sex? These are my best friends and I love them to death, I just want them to be able to accept me as I am now, not just as I was in high school.

A:

I always like questions that start, "How can I make them understand...?" All you can do is explain yourself to them. It's up to them whether they wish to understand or call you names.

If these are truly still great friends, they will understand. They may not agree with what you have done or everything about what you do now, but they will find a way to be supportive.

If all they want to do is carp at you, call you a slut, complain about how uptight you used to be (after you admit that you were), then sadly they are no longer the friends they once were to you.


Monday, March 02, 2009

Advice: Concern for a Friend

Q:

My friend likes to Put on girl clothes and pretend he is a girl and have sex with his blanket. Is this wrong? if it is, what can I do?

A:


It's somewhat unusual, especially the part about having sex with his blanket. I assume you mean he is masturbating and somehow involving a comforting blanket in the act. There's nothing wrong with that -- perhaps messy -- nor with dressing up in girl's clothing.

If he is simply doing that in the privacy of his home, there should be no problem. Cross-dressing outside the home can cause problems. I'm not making a judgment, but society does. If you are school age, he will open himself to ridicule. And that can even be true for an adult. It's unfortunate, but that's just how society is.

As to the happy blanket situation, my question is whether this is a substitute for expressing his sexuality, whether straight or gay, with other humans. Especially if he is gay and either does not realize it or is afraid to admit it, and the blanket is a substitute for real relationships, that is not healthy.

I am not a trained therapist, so these are simply my opinions. If after reading this you remain concerned, you might suggest that your friend see a therapist and describe what he is doing to get a professional opinion.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Advice: Desiring Bigger Loads

Q:
How can I increase the amount of ejaculate I produce?

A:
Ah, a subject near and dear to my heart. As I wrote in one of my first posts:

Now, long past the point at which procreation is an issue, all I get is a dribble. Had no warning it would be like this. Even porn cum shots, if the guy is 50 or older, aren't that interesting. Sometimes I'll skip a couple of days, just in the hope of getting a good squirt. Difficult to express why this matters, but I think it is part of the male hard-wiring to create something from nothing. So now the bathroom mirror, wall and ceiling are completely safe.
There are a number of nutrients believed to increase the amount of semen. Since writing that ditty I started taking 2000mg of L-Arginine 1000mg of L-Ornithine and 1000mg of L-Lysine daily and I have seen an improvement. In general, amino acids are said to help.  I also read somewhere that wheat germ does, so why not try that -- it's good for you anyway. And drink lots of water, like eight 8-ounce glasses a day. We should all do that anyway.