meme, how i hate you, how i hate you

So that twat Katie Schwartz has tagged me for another meme. This is the stupidest meme ever. A waste of time to write, and certainly a waste of time to read. So why did I do it? That bitch controls me -- I'm Jerry Mahoney to her Paul Winchell. Charlie McCarthy to her Edgar Bergen. George W. Bush to her Dick Cheney. Lamb Chop to her Shari Lewis. Kermit to her Frank Oz. William Shakespeare to her Frances Bacon. Linda Lovelace to her Harry Reems. Yes, I'm sucking it big and deep.

DO YOU SNORE?
No, but I schnore. Yes, I am a schnorer.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
What's the difference?

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Going soft at the wrong moment.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
They hadn't come to the US yet. Yes, I'm that old. Lincoln Logs and Tinkertoys.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
1 - not reality 2 - boring as shit 3- except for Cathouse

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I don't use straws, but I like women who suck on them.

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
Still am.

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
No. But what I really want to do is clone myself, so I can have the meaningful, married life I have now, and my other self can go fuck everything in a skirt.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black. What a stupit question.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes, after I cum.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Nope. Doesn't appeal to me.

ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Oral sex.

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Any beach.

CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
No, never heard of it.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes, stopped using aerosols years ago.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I actually suck it in and out. Closest I've ever gotten to sucking cock. But I've never counted.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Think I'll stick my dick in an electric and see how it feels.

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I don't do it, but 1- I make my living in part off of hunters and 2 - I eat meat and wear leather. So as long as the animal is being put to use, I'm fine with it, and for certain species in certain areas it's a necessary form of conservation.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I hope so, as it's in my present.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I handwrite as little as possible.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Prudes.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU?
This afternoon.

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Yes, I'm a sap.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Just about any way except raw. One of my greatest accomplishments was learning how to properly poach them.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
No. I had a blonde girlfriend once. She looked the dumb blonde part, but turned my head inside out trying to explain string theory to me.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
In next week's laundry.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
8:22 pm. This is a stupid meme. Why am I answering it?

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Studmuffin.

IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
Best french fries in the world.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Two hours ago. Still stupid.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Get me a deep long bathtub and I'll prefer that, but until then, showers.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Yes.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Oh, yeah.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Sex and food.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Creamy, spread all over your breasts with jelly.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I can crack your neck, sucka

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yes, hopped up on morphine.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Hell no.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
God this is a stupid meme. What's the point?

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Uhuh.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Yes, but I'm being treated for it.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
Only on the carousel in Central Park.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Skin Flute.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
I removed some dollars from a stripper's G-string.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
I prefer risky sex.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
I like to screw in the great outdoors.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
I don't laugh.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I believe in John Sebastian.

ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Tits are a man's best friend.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
Yes, it's recognized in Judaism. None of this "til death" bullshit. If it works it works, if not...

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can't do the Earth walk.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
I nveer mkea miskates.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
2 degrees at the moment.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Brownies.

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Answering that would be like answering "are you pregnant" on the medical history form.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
About a dozen. I hate that bitch Schwartz, though.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I zap the commercials on TiVO.

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I thought they were out of business. Wishful thinking.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
Spirit on the Water - Bob Dylan

sugasm #56

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sex and the movies

So Katie Schwartz tagged me for a movie meme. Now, this is a sex blog so all my answers will use that as context:

1. Popcorn or candy?

Popcorn, because of the scene in Diner where Mickey Rourke gets the girl to touch his cock by sticking it up through the bottom of the popcorn box.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

I am Curious (Yellow). Just added it to my Netflix queue.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?

Tom Schulman, screenplay for Dead Poets Society, 1989. Steven Soderbergh should have won for sex, lies and videotape.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

Marlon Brando's trenchcoat from Last Tango in Paris. It says "Hey, little girl, come here, I have something for you hehe."

5. Your favorite film franchise is....

Godfather. OK there's not much sex it in. But there's that great bedroom scene with the horse's head.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

Scarlett Johansson, Catherine Denueve, Amanda Peet, Salma Hayek, Natalie Portman. Because they are hot. Champagne and caviar, then a little bit of Al.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

Shush them.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.

Sarah.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

Jack Nicholson's ass in Something's Gotta Give.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....

Porno made for women.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?

Casting couch.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?

This is a sex blog, and I'm straight. Bonnie.

13. Who am I tagging to answer this survey?

Everyone who reads this.

14. If Jesus were to submit a synopsis of a documentary about life in America since 9/11, what would his pov be? ::: not a joke question. I'm really curious.

How the fuck do people who say they believe in me get so worked up over seeing part of Janet Jackson's areola, not even the full nipple, for a split second? What the fuck is wrong with this culture?

those sexy italians

There's a company it Italy that uses sexy female models to sell coffins. It's Cofani Funebri, and here are some of their product shots:

And if that weren't enough, they publish a calendar every year. Yes, they are the Pirelli of death! Get a look at 2007 here.

Here's the sales angle: You're jerking off to the calendar, have a heart attack and drop dead. Sorry, you don't get to "die happy" (like Nelson Rockefeller, whose wife, Happy -- yes that was her real name -- was not very, because he was schtupping his secretary when he kicked it).

Instead, your wife discovers you slumped on the floor, pants around your ankles and the calendar on the vanity. She pops a bottle of bubbly (like the model above) and orders up a Cofani Funebri coffin to bury you in, along with your pornos, penis pump, jackoff creams and pictures of old girlfriends.

Brother, you've just got to hope one of those models is a necrophile, so you can at least be happy in the afterlife.

sugasm #55

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those sexy germans

In Germany there are channels that run soft porn shows and films at night. The commercials consist of ads for phone and SMS text sex. The ads are about 10 seconds each and they'll string 30 of them together, with some repeating. Here are some pix I shot of the TV in my hotel room earlier this year:

i'm so tired

I've been so work-focused lately that I come home, have dinner, watch an hour of TV and nod off, get up, walk the dog, get undressed, go to bed.

Then before falling asleep, I'll have this idea that I'm a bit horny, so maybe I'll try rubbing one off. Haven't done it for a couple of days -- and until recently I never missed a day -- so I start.

Then sometime later, I wake up and realize I fell asleep with my hand around my dick.

So sad.

Good night.

sugasm #54

This week’s best of the sex blogs from the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #55? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

My Response to The Government’s Pushing of Celibacy on Adults! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

“We should teach that SEX IS ABOUT PLEASURE.”

Flying in the Face of Censorship (http://www.suzanneportnoy.com)

“But these days, the UK is Europe’s frisky frontier, and the hotties are flying in from all over.”

Life as an Adult Cam Worker (http://www.model-chat.com)

“Experiment with days and times to find out what’s the best time for you to be on live.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Our fearless leader promises he will leave the marathon orgy and be back to blogging soon. In the meantime enjoy one from the vault.

3 Porn Based Urban Legends (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Home Run (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

An Audience with… David Pierson Part 1 (http://leiaannwoods.blogspot.com)

Everything To Do With Sex (video) (http://www.seskuality.com)

The Harlot and the Painter (http://adelehaze.com)

Sexy Interview - Rubberella (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Silicone Beaded Matador Cock Ring Review (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Venus Berlin Show Report - Fucking Machines (http://sextoysinsider.com)

Welcome to “Sex Blogger Community” (http://sexblogwelcome.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

The Cabin, Part II (http://www.betweensheets.net)

Early Masturbation Experiences (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Fun in the Bahamas (http://wantonyou.blogspot.com)

Hopeless, Irresistible Lust (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

I Haven’t Come in Days (http://sexcakes.blogspot.com)

Lipstick On Your… What? (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)

Nikki (http://baring.blogspot.com)

Piano Girl I (http://aliceinawonderbra.blogspot.com)

Restless (http://nocloudnine.blogspot.com)

Story 2 - Stressed (http://dareuu.blogspot.com)

Too Sick to Fuck (http://sabrinainstockings.com)

Toy Tuesday: Plug (http://mypinktaco.blogspot.com)

Sex & Politics

US Government Preaches Abstinence to Adults (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Bad Kitty (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

Bitch in Heat (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

I Like Big Butts (And Petite Posteriors) (http://pandorablake.blogspot.com)

Late-Breaking Newsflash: Katie Spades Given a Hand-spanking For Cheek (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

A Nawty Story: Kitten Fibbed (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

Slave sex, a lesson learned too well (http://bratmaster.co.uk)

Thou Shalt Not Touch Thy Students (http://spankingwriters.com/blog)

NSFW Pics (& video)

Half-Nekkid Posterized! (http://beyondyouandme.blogspot.com)

Happy HNT - Stadium Flash (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Featured DDGirls Covergirl Sasha Grey (http://www.ddgirlsblog.com)

Karina (http://povfuck.ilovejulienight.com)

Mea-Culpa Erotic Nudes (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Mistress Xena in Purple Boots (video) (http://www.thebootcam.com)

Rub it the Right Way (video) (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Vote (http://melanaise.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Bloggin’ Naked on a Pink Slip. (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Do I Stay or Do I Go? (http://edenfantasys.livejournal.com)

The Joy Of Sharing? (http://secretlifeofaman.blogspot.com)

Water Works (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Wired (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Sex Humor

Cock Rock Travelogue (http://secretbrain.blogspot.com)

Mismatched Whores: Time, Time, Time (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Sex History

The Conception of Trojan Condoms (http://www.taratainton.com)

Retro Raw: The Best of Amber Lynn (http://retrosexblog.com)

Sexy Sasha Grey courtesy of DD Girls Blog.

lipstick on your...what?

About 15 years ago I spent a night in Memphis while traveling on business. I dined at a hole in the wall barbecue place and had barbecue spaghetti and a very large Coke. Barbecue spaghetti is pasta with a very meaty sauce, and the meat is chopped up pork. It was very spicy and I needed all of that Coke.

Afterwards, I went to a strip club, something I did nearly every night I was on the road alone. I was wearing white jeans, something I can no longer believe I owned and wore, but there you are.

The club was very swank, with several stages. After a while a beautiful African-American dancer sat next to me and we began chatting. I asked her to do a lap dance, and hers was very slow and sensual. She didn't ask me to do another right away, but continued to sit with me and chat for a few songs. While she did, she put her hand on my leg and then started moving her finger around my crotch, tracing my hard-on, which assured it would remain so. Then she asked if she could do another dance, and of course I agreed. This pattern continued for a while, but each dance got sexier. She unbuttoned my shirt a bit and played with my nipples, And then, she dropped down between my legs and feigned a blow job, chomping ever so lightly on my cock.

Several days later, after traveling east across Tennessee to Gatlinburg, I was ready to go home. That day I had put on the same white jeans. But just before leaving my motel, I noticed something in the mirror that didn't look right. I looked down at my crotch and there was red lipstick in perfect lip formation. I just about freaked out at the thought I could have been seeing customers and then flying home to my wife dressed like that.

I quickly changed pants, and with some effort washed the lipstick off of the white jeans. As I drove around that day, those jeans were on the back shelf of the car, in the sun, and my the time I had to go to the airport they were dry and squeaky clean.

So next time a stripper chomps on your cock through your pants, be sure to look for markings later. I know, it happens all the time.