There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.
``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.
``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she. "But I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''
``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.
``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my ass!''
* * *
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says, "I let you in on condition: You no mess around with my grandaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I catch you, I give you three worst Chinese torture tests ever known."
"Ok, Ok." the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on chest."
"What a lame torture test." the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
1 comment:
My brother plays french horn. I imagine he's been sticking his hand up my sister-in-law's ass for the last 25 years, that would surely explain the family dynamics.
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