Q:
I have never had an orgasm. I can't orgasm, not through masturbation, penetration, cunnilingus - nothing seems to work. I feel like I am getting so so so incredibly close, my whole body flushes, i start panting, the throbbing between the legs, but so far haven't been able to come (well at least i don't think so). It is driving me up the wall!!! I don't know what to do to push me over the edge to achieve my first big 'O.' Any help would be greatly appreciated.
A:
I think you need some Al Sensu to get you there.
OK, seriously there's a range of possibilities here. Let's start with "I don't think so." If you haven't experienced something that feels like a release of tension and a river of relaxation, you probably have not climaxed.
More likely, it's possible you've now become too focused and are psyching yourself out. So rather than just masturbation, I'm going to suggest you make love to yourself:
Start with a candlelit bubblebath and your favorite music playing. Maybe have a glass of wine there. Just relax into it. While bathing, close your eyes and touch yourself in all the places that give you pleasure. Massage your breasts, touch or squeeze your nipples. Stroke yourself behind your ears, then elbows. Work your way down to your thighs. Lightly press and massage your labia. Do not think of orgasm, think of sensual pleasure. Stop for a while and then start again. When you are ready, exit the bath and dry yourself in your most luxurious towel.
Go to your bedroom and bring those candles and music. Resume touching yourself, but bring more focus to your erongenous zones. As before, do not think of orgasm, think only of pleasure. Pretend you are with a lover and tell him where and how to touch you while your hands play the part. Close your eyes and relax into the sensation. Perhaps you will be sleepy. Then let yourself fall off to sleep and do this again another night.
Perhaps instead you will find your desire building. Go with it. When you stroke your labia and around your vagina and find your clitoris, use a lubricant, perhaps one of the new warming ones. Do not think of orgasm, just let your fingers do the walking, let them decide what do to, how fast and how hard. With your other hand remember the other parts of your body that love pleasure...your ears, your breasts and nipples. Continue giving them pleasure. Do not think of orgasm, think of giving yourself more pleasure.
I think if you do this in a zen way, without purpose or goal beyond experiencing pleasure, you will relax to the point that your body will surprise you and experience a climax.
Also, you should experiment with vibrators. There are many types and different ones work for different women, so you may have to make an investment until you find the perfect one for you.
You should also experiment with dildos as part of this self-play, especially those designed to stimulate the g-spot. Not every women responds to this, but you might be one who does.
Once you've experienced orgasm on your own, you'll have a better idea of how to experience it with a lover. But remember that many women do not orgasm through intercourse or even cunnilingus. If you find that masturbation, either with your hands or a vibrator, works for you, introduce it to your lovemaking. A confident lover won't mind.
If none of these methods works, please visit your gynecologist and discuss this as there can be a physical/medical reason.
Also, consider seeing a sex surrogate. Hopefully there is one in your area trained to assist with this issue. Example. As to vibrators, lubes and dildos, if there is not a good sex-positive shop in your town or you are uncomfortable going there, I recommend Good Vibrations.
Good luck. Now I have turned myself on writing all this and must, ahem...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Advice: I Can't Come
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Advice: The Young and the Stressed-Out
Q:
okay, so i am a 19 year old full time student in major debt already. i am in a wonderful relationship and have been for the last 3 years. and me and my hubby to be's sex life has suffered from me starting skewl again from high skewl. because i am so stressed out from everything it is really hard not only for me to get into the mood, for me to let him get me into the mood, but when i do, it seems that i only want really kinky games and such. but i miss our origional love making so much, but it seems it just doesnt do it for me anymore. is this just stress or the relationship failing??? also, i have been unable to masterbate while thinking of him. which hasnt ever been a problem before. i find myself more and more thinking of an ex-girlfriend that i know i will never have again. i still find my baby sexy as hell. i really need some help here...
A:
Whoa! You've got a lot goin' on there, missy.
You are definitely stressed and stress will affect your sex life and perhaps your entire relationship. I think you need to look deeper than the sex part. What else is going on with you two? Are you living together? Is he supporting you? Did he go to college? Is he cool with your schooling? Is he acting any differently? If everything but the sex is good, I doubt the relationship is failing. Sex in most long-term relationships evolves and goes through cycles. You may just be on the "rinse" cycle right now.
If you want to get in the mood, you will. If you really want your old style of non-kinky sex, you'll have it. One woman's kinky in another woman's just trying new stuff. Perhaps you just need to try some new tricks. Maybe what you want isn't all that kinky; I can't tell. But given that you've been with this guy since you were 16, sorry, but what do you know?
Thinking about other people when you masturbate doesn't necessarily mean anything. I think most people in a stable relationship fantasize about other people. It even happens while they're having sex with each other. No biggie.
My advice: If the non-sexual part of your relationship is as good as always, take a chill pill. If this is a truly great partnership, you should find a way to give him what he wants and vice versa. And you should both understand when the other isn't up to that at any given time. Make some popcorn, cuddle up and watch a nice movie.
If you have doubts, remember: You are very young. Your sexual self may be telling you that you need to sow some oats and not be tied down.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Semi-Celibate Man is Back
Bloggers come and go (or is that cum and go).
Advice: Deep Throat
Q:
I'm a married woman who wants to please her man He says that I do, And that I give great head ;I know that it's good because he cums every time BUT I can't deep throat without gagging. I really want to do this for him sooo, could you give me some tips on how to get my throat muscles to relax. I've tried numbing agents but they numb him also and he doesn't like the feeling or lack thereof.
A:
I think you should start by believing your husband. You're giving him great blow jobs and he's cumming (and many of us need manual stimulation from our woman or by our own hand to cum even with great head).
In my opinion, deep throat is more mystique or athletic than pleasure-providing. I'm not saying it isn't good at all, but it will never replace great fellatio technique. I say this only to assure you that if your motivation comes from a feeling that you should be doing it, relax and forget about it.
There are some people who have a gag reflex and there is nothing you can do about it. But if you want to keep trying, I suggest you practice with some object that is approximately the length and -- as importantly -- width of your husband's penis. Be sure it's something you can remove and won't get caught or stuck in your mouth. A cucumber is an obvious possibility. Or the right dildo. Practice when you're not with your husband.
Breathing technique is important. If you've never taken yoga, look for a class that includes or is focused on yogic breathing. It will help you learn to control your breathing while relaxing into it. I think that will help.
If after such attempts you haven't made progress, don't feel bad. Your husband is a lucky man, and I do believe you are making him happy. BJTC (blow jobs to completion) are a gift.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Advice: Anal Angst
Q:
So both my fiance and I (She and I are both 20 years old) want to try Anal Sex. We've tried to do it several times but I can't even get the head in before she wants to stop. We've even tried numbing lubricants but that didn't work. Is there anything that we can do?????
A:
I have to begin with what may be a startling admission: Al Sensu has never had anal sex. I haven't been with someone who was into it and I haven't been intrigued enough to ask for it.
That said, I still have advice, of course.
First a question: Does your woman really want to do this? If she has any doubt, fear or resistance, it will be evidenced in a tightening sphincter. Maybe she does want to do it, but is fearful nonetheless. In that case, I would suggest a lubricant for the head such as alcohol or weed, but just for her. I'm normally in favor of sober sex, but this is an exception.
I hope you're engaging in lots of foreplay. Yes, it doesn't lube the ass, but it creates the right atmosphere and heat for a successful entry. I'll need a female reader to chime in and suggest whether it's better for the woman to have orgasmed first or not, and in this I'm assuming it unlikely she will orgasm during anal sex. However, if either of you can reach out and stimulate her clit while you're doing it, there's a decent chance. It could distract her too.
But first you have to get in. So, relax her mind, do lots of making out and foreplay to really be in the mood, and then take. your. time. Try putting the head at her entrance and not push, while rubbing her clit. Get her going and then very slowly, very gently, see if you can enter a bit. Be very willing to go in just a bit, exit and move on to regular intercourse (please change condoms and/or wash yourself first!!).
If she is still resistant but says she wants to try it, next time try entering her with a well-lubed finger. The time after, try for two fingers. And the next time try anal fucking again.
Finally and most important: Do not make this the focus of your sex life. It jwill just add stress for both of you and will make her feel inadequate. Make the anal attempt a fun part of your sex play, not the end-all (so to speak).
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Advice: I Lost My FWB
Q:
Long story short, I recently lost a female best friend (I'm male). We lost our virginity to each other and since then things went downhill, and now she's living with her "fiance" and doesn't want to talk to me any more. I hate being alone while thinking about whatever they're doing, and I'm extremely afraid of approaching girls.
Because I'm not yet 21, I can't go to bars and meet girls there, and I live in the middle of the country where there aren't many social situations. Do you have any advice on where someone who can't get into a bar can meet girls (either for a relationship or casual flings), and how can I get her off my mind?
A:
That will teach you to fuck your friends! Seriously, there are special situations where people can be real friends, but not romantically involved, have sex, and stay friends. But the odds are against it. "Friends with benefits" situations that work are generally people who are really getting together to have sex, and they happen to like each other. But they're not true friends.
You are missing the A-number one place to hook up in Middle America: Church. Doesn't matter what denomination, and the more fire-and-brimstone the better. Those people are repressed and probably quite horny. And the girls your age are likely there to please their parents and are itching to step out.
If you're looking for a real relationship, then choose a church you can abide by, even if you're not a believer. And you don't have to go to services. Join a youth group or one of the many do-gooder activities they have.
If there are enough Jews in your area to have a Synagogue, go there. I can tell you from personal experience, we welcome everyone, and Jewish girls are loose.
While you're waiting for something new to percolate, the best way to get the old friend and her fiance off your mind is to watch lots of youporn.com and redtube.com and masturbate at least twice a day. There won't be much left to think about.
Need Advice?
Last year my friends Aspasia Fern and Miss Smack invited me to guest-write on their sex advice blog. If you're a fan of Literotica you'll remember Aspasia's advice column from a few years ago. I really enjoyed giving bad advice to folks, so asked Aspasia to send me some unanswered emails and I'd give it a try. Watch this space... and if you want Al's advice, send an email to
