Advice: I Can't Come

Q:
I have never had an orgasm. I can't orgasm, not through masturbation, penetration, cunnilingus - nothing seems to work. I feel like I am getting so so so incredibly close, my whole body flushes, i start panting, the throbbing between the legs, but so far haven't been able to come (well at least i don't think so). It is driving me up the wall!!! I don't know what to do to push me over the edge to achieve my first big 'O.' Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A:
I think you need some Al Sensu to get you there.

OK, seriously there's a range of possibilities here. Let's start with "I don't think so." If you haven't experienced something that feels like a release of tension and a river of relaxation, you probably have not climaxed.

More likely, it's possible you've now become too focused and are psyching yourself out. So rather than just masturbation, I'm going to suggest you make love to yourself:

Start with a candlelit bubblebath and your favorite music playing. Maybe have a glass of wine there. Just relax into it. While bathing, close your eyes and touch yourself in all the places that give you pleasure. Massage your breasts, touch or squeeze your nipples. Stroke yourself behind your ears, then elbows. Work your way down to your thighs. Lightly press and massage your labia. Do not think of orgasm, think of sensual pleasure. Stop for a while and then start again. When you are ready, exit the bath and dry yourself in your most luxurious towel.

Go to your bedroom and bring those candles and music. Resume touching yourself, but bring more focus to your erongenous zones. As before, do not think of orgasm, think only of pleasure. Pretend you are with a lover and tell him where and how to touch you while your hands play the part. Close your eyes and relax into the sensation. Perhaps you will be sleepy. Then let yourself fall off to sleep and do this again another night.

Perhaps instead you will find your desire building. Go with it. When you stroke your labia and around your vagina and find your clitoris, use a lubricant, perhaps one of the new warming ones. Do not think of orgasm, just let your fingers do the walking, let them decide what do to, how fast and how hard. With your other hand remember the other parts of your body that love pleasure...your ears, your breasts and nipples. Continue giving them pleasure. Do not think of orgasm, think of giving yourself more pleasure.

I think if you do this in a zen way, without purpose or goal beyond experiencing pleasure, you will relax to the point that your body will surprise you and experience a climax.

Also, you should experiment with vibrators. There are many types and different ones work for different women, so you may have to make an investment until you find the perfect one for you.

You should also experiment with dildos as part of this self-play, especially those designed to stimulate the g-spot. Not every women responds to this, but you might be one who does.

Once you've experienced orgasm on your own, you'll have a better idea of how to experience it with a lover. But remember that many women do not orgasm through intercourse or even cunnilingus. If you find that masturbation, either with your hands or a vibrator, works for you, introduce it to your lovemaking. A confident lover won't mind.

If none of these methods works, please visit your gynecologist and discuss this as there can be a physical/medical reason.

Also, consider seeing a sex surrogate. Hopefully there is one in your area trained to assist with this issue. Example. As to vibrators, lubes and dildos, if there is not a good sex-positive shop in your town or you are uncomfortable going there, I recommend Good Vibrations.

Good luck. Now I have turned myself on writing all this and must, ahem...