Advice: Can't Cum During Intercourse

Q:
I'm a 23 year old male. Just got engaged. I'm with the love of my life, and we have a pretty healthy sexual relationship. We have a lot of intercourse when I'm home (I’m an over the road truck driver). When we're having sex I can't cum without jerking myself off to finish. We've tried a lot of things to try to build up the orgasm in me, but nothing seems to work. We've tried lube, candles, porn. But at the end it still comes down to me jacking off in order for me to cum. Is there something wrong with me? Does this happen to a lot of guys? I just want to be able to build up my orgasm and have it without having to pull out of my fiance an jack off. I want to be able to stay in her an build up an for us to cum together for once instead of her cumming, and then I have to pull out an jack off. Please help!

A:

You may or may not have a physiological problem, so my first advice is to see a doctor. You don't say whether you've had sexual relationships before and whether this was an issue if you did.

You may just not be getting the exact stimulation you need from intercourse with your fiance, and it could be attributable to fit, to the amount or lack of natural lubrication or any number of things. One thing I can definitely recommend is that you make love is a position where she can reach your testicles.

For some guys, direct stimulation of the balls is what will bring them over the top. Just give her direction so that what she does is pleasurable for you.

Until you find a solution, try to relax about this. Make sure she's involved in bringing you off after you pull out.  Even if you want to or need to do the handwork, she should not be an idle observor. She can be kissing you and touching your other erotic zones, including your testicles. If sexy/dirty talk helps you, encourage her to do that too. Good luck!

Advice: Easing a wife into different sexual positions

Q:

What in your opinion would be the best way to get a wife who is conservative and not open to sexual discussion?

I would love to open her eyes to more than missionary. Any tips?

A:

Sounds like you got one. Just kidding, I know from your subject heading what you mean.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to get her to talk, because just flipping her over in bed is not a good approach. Hopefully you have good communication in other aspects of your marriage.

I would find a relaxed time to tell her there's something you want to discuss. Acknowledge that it seems she's uncomfortable talking about sexual matters. Make clear that it's as important to you to be able to talk about your desires as it is to talk about (name another subject, preferably one that's important to her).

Tell her you love her and find her attractive, and that if you didn't you wouldn't be having this discussion. Tell her that you love having sex with her, but desire more variety. Assure her that you're not thinking of anything bizarre or kinky, just that you want to do things differently from time to time. It will give you pleasure. It may even give her pleasure. And promise that if she's open to trying different positions but finds anything you suggest uncomfortable, you'll move on.

If she's not open to having this discussion, I think you need to insist on seeing a marriage therapist, because an entire life is too long to live without at least trying to have a satisfying sex life. If she won't go, go yourself and let her know you are doing so.

Advice: How Not To Be A Stalker

Q:
Three years ago I put myself through a very messy breakup. I was a 21 year old male desperately in love with a 20 year female, shy, home schooled, and living across the country from me. The writing was on the wall so to speak. In a lot of ways I have never gotten over her, even though I have found pleasant, caring relationships since. The finger pointing has since faded in memory, except one question; did I stalk her? When we broke up I slowly fell into a dark place where I thought I could get her back. In retrospect, I just needed closure, and was going the very wrong way about it. My point is this: halfway through that hell I realized what I was doing, just didn't know how to stop. I guess I should point out I was never threatening, or angry, just love sick and overbearing. It was a lot of emails filled with emotional junk, phone calls to see how she was, checking out her myspace and work site. I even went so far to email her new (or so I thought) boyfriend. All I said was congratulations and virtually shake his hand and ask him to take care of her. At the time I just wanted the pain to end, but I see now I was putting myself through the torture. I finally begged her to make her social webpage private, just so I wouldn't be tempted. I deleted her phone numbers and tried to forget her, but it was hard and still is painful. Even today I wonder how she is, but I only wish her the best. My question is, do they have a group where stalkers (even though I hate that word I don't want to sugarcoat it) can go and support each other? I mean if the is one for sex, and ones for smokers, is stalking too taboo? Do you know of any such group? Just something I was always curious about because I think it really would have helped me, and thus her, through all that junk.

A:
The support groups related to stalkers that I'm aware of are for the victims. That said, from your description I wouldn't classify you as a stalker in the true sense, although you exhibited some tendencies. You were lovesick and inexperienced in relationships.

It's not unnatural to have a strong curiosity and perhaps resentment and jealousy about what an ex is doing. But it also isn't healthy.

You recognize the problem and understand a lot about what you are doing and feeling, just not what to do about it. I think that counseling would really be helpful in getting you "unstuck" and suggest you find a psychotherapist to help you.

If any readers have experienced this problem and found a solution, please share it in comments.

There's something in that French water...

Advice: How To Take Control

Q:
Hello!!! I want to know some ways to take control in the bedroom. My partner loves it, but I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over. I give him blow jobs when I run out of new things (it works like a charm). I need something new please help.

A:
There are so many directions you can go in and it really depends on what you're looking for. It may be simply moving away from a routine -- trying different positions for intercourse; changing the way in which you engage in foreplay. Or you may need to stretch into totally new things such as dominance/submission or bondage (light or serious). My suggestion is to go to the bookstore and read a couple of books on bedroom techniques to find what appeals to you. Then just try some stuff. Some men are complacent -- if they're getting blown or laid, they're satisfied. You may also need to let your partner know you expect some creativity from him.

Advice: I'm Not Perfect

Q:
i m married and had a child of 3 month. i can not do sex more then once at a time.......... shape of my panic is nerrow at the edge. I can do masterbat several times in a day...........but not sex............and my penic band down if my wife ride me wile sex ............ she never complains..........and she had orgazm also........but i think i m not perfect..........wht can i do?


A:
Believe me, none of us is perfect.

Make sure your penis doesn't bend too much! If she's facing you, next time have her face away from you (reverse cowgirl) and see if it is more comfortable. I wouldn't worry that you only cum one time when having sex vs. several times in a day masturbating. Maybe the positions you use aren't giving you the right stimulation. Consider asking your wife to jerk you off after she has her orgasm.

Advice: Did I rub myself the wrong way?

Q:
I am 24 years old and have sex occasionally. However I do not get a full erection until I have been rubbed. I sometimes think it is the erection that makes me feel aroused and not the other way.

I had masturbated a lot before the first time I had sex a few years back. Is it because my penis has got used to the rubbing now and needs it?

Earlier I would masturbate on erection or I would get an erection very easily. However later the pleasure and hence masturbation became such an obsession that I would force an erection by rubbing it.

I am abstaining from that now, but do not know how much time it would take to get my penis to forget it needs to be rubbed.

Also I do not feel that lust I used to earlier. Can all this be because of a drop in testosterone level. Should I get it checked or something?

A:
I think the fact that you are feeling less horny combined with the fact that you need more stimulation may point to a medical problem, so I do suggest you see your physician.

Other than that, nothing you've written concerns me. That you need direct stimulation to achieve erection isn't that unusual. And I do understand the obsession thing -- feeling like you have to jerk off even when you're not feeling that horny, but once you get it going...shazzam!

It's possible, but really unlikely you desensitized yourself with all the rubbing. But it's a simple fact, penises want to be rubbed. Your penis will not forget it wants to be rubbed, so go rub one off!

Thank You Bettie

And thank you Cormac.