Advice: Is Fantasizing Wrong?

Q:
Ok so I am a happily married women for the past 13 years. We are very sexual and have always had as much sex as we can handle. My problem? I still LOVE to flirt and have fantasy's about other men and sometimes even women. I have had affair type relationships in the past and then have a few really good years. I always feel horrible and becasue not only is my husband wonderful, handsome and sexy. He is a awesome father to our three children and loves me totaly! I am always checking out other men and even get wet just thinking of them touching me. I don't want to loose my huband and screw things up so is there a help group or something I should do? Could this be a chemical thing? (no I don't do drugs.) Could this be inherited? (My father always had a wandering eye.)

A:
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing, or finding other people attractive. And flirting can be OK too. Monogamy is not a natural state, but I believe it's the best way to maintain a meaningful relationship. Thus we have to find outlets for our natural desires to fuck other people. The safest in every way is masturbating while fantasizing. No-one should feel guilty about this.

It might not work for you two, but you might be able to bring your fantasies openly into the bedroom with some role play or dirty talk. He might get turned on as you verbalize your fantasy about another man. Perhaps as you do this you can masturbate and he can join in by sucking your nipples or other tasty stuff, or he can play the part of that other guy who's "doing" you. Perhaps this will give you both permission to try some new sex tricks or positions.

Have you ever discussed with your husband whether he fantasizes about other women? If he's like most men, I assure you he does. And it may be a relief for him to talk about this with you and have you help him play out some fantasies.

If you feel compelled to act on your desires and fantasies you have to make a choice. As you know, affairs, whether sexual or just romantic, are a problem. I'm not moralizing here. It's just pragmatically true that you can't have an affair and give all you need to give to your marriage and family. An occasional screw on the side, done safely, with someone that you won't be tempted to have an ongoing relationship with, preferably out of town, can work. But you have to resign yourself to never spilling the beans. And you have to be prudent in protecting this fact from your husband. If you're not comfortable with this, do not do it. You may find it worthwhile to see a therapist to help you reconcile your lustful desires with your familial priorities.