Sex Advice: Is he still attracted to me?

Q:
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 8. I'm 35 and he's 38. He had an affair, but I did not find out about it until after it ended. We've been through marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better, but he blurted out recently that this just wasn't working for him and he can't make me happy. I'm thinking this is preposterous as I enjoy being with my husband, I enjoy having sex with him, and I really enjoy our life. Could he be more attentive and affectionate? Sure, but so can most guys right? After a lot of tears and conversation, he says he wants us to work.

My problem is this...he spends a lot of time online looking at various types of porn, erotic stories, and personal ads and then says he's not attracted to me any more. How can he be? I don't look anything like the girls he looks at online. I'm not a stick, but I'm not a cow either. He's not fat by any means, but he is very out of shape, so he really doesn't have any room to criticize. In addition, it's not only heterosexual porn he's looking at...he's really interested in transsexual porn as well as gay male porn. Most of the personal ads he looks at are for transsexuals and gay men.

He swears he's not gay - his affair was with a woman - but I'm thinking he has some serious issues. I love him and I don't want to end my marriage, but I feel like I've been living in limbo for nearly a year now and I don't know what to do.

A:
You're right...he does have serious issues.

I look at lots of porn with younger, firmer women. My wife doesn't look like them, and in reality I don't wish to be with them. Fantasizing about having sex with them does not make me less attracted to my wife. And yeah, I've put on a few pounds myself, so I get your point! It sounds cliche, but your husband may be in the throes of mid-life crisis. Unfortunately for many, the only result is they go off in search of nubile young things and either find them or not, but very often come crawling back to their wives.

As to the fascination with gay and tran porn and personals, it could be just curiosity, but as a totally straight man with no issues with people who are different, I can't imagine looking at that stuff. Why? At best, it doesn't interest me and at worst, well, I just don't want to see that. Thus, my opinion is he is not 100% on the straight end of the scale and may want to try it out. I have a good friend from high school whose husband is a little bi, and she has come to terms with the fact that he will sometimes feel the need to act on it. They've stayed married, and mostly happily, for more than 30 years. She doesn't like this aspect of him, but has accepted it.

So if he "he wants us to work" he needs to work at it. And part of that is being honest with himself and with you about what his desires, needs and attractions are. And whether he truly is no longer attracted to you, because that could be a deal-killer. I strongly recommend couples therapy, and I think he could use some individual therapy as well.

Advice: Sex Toys for Larger Folks

Q:
we have been married over thirty yrs. nature has taken its course and i have some health issues. but we keep trying anyway. my question is that we are two large people and we need any info an sexual toys and strap-ons that will help us be all that we can be. we both love sex to its full extent. she loves dildos that are a little more real and i have become a little partial to toys myself. basically we need to know if a company somewhere makes toys for the larger people of this earth,strapon sizes are to small. can you help us.


A:
Good for you! I'm afraid I don't know if there's a sex toy source specializing in bigger stuff. My advice is to try Good Vibrations. They have great customer service and if they don't have what you need, they probably know who does. They are totally sex-positive and you should feel very comfortable talking with them openly about your needs.

Advice: Never trust the guy on the radio

Q:
Hey! How re you doing? I heard a radio Dj say masturbation can cause blindness and impotence.how true is ths statement?

A:
I've known many DJs personally, so I know better than to trust what they say. Not true. It only causes warts.

Advice: Heart Out of Luck

Q:
I am recently divorced and after 11 years, admittedly out of touch with the dating scene. Once I get started, I don't seem to have a problem keeping things going with compatible women. My problem is in meeting new women.

When I am in public and find a woman attractive, I glance, if intrigued, I look. If the look is returned, I'll give the smile and nod, waiting for some similar acknowledgment. All else being equal, I'll make an approach, introduce myself, and ask for something simple, a meeting for a coffee, a bagel, once even popcorn at the refreshment stand. When I first started working, moving into dating after college, all of this was rather acceptable, and usually worked. Now, I either get polite refusals (which I understand, and graciously accept) or - more frequently - looks like I am a possible stalker and some awkward acknowledgement of my presence.

Have times changed so radically that we can't trust others on a basic level? I'm not a bad looking guy, usually moderately well dressed. Is there a vibe I'm sending out, or are people just so used to online dating that it is now wrong to find attraction to someone in public and ask to get to know them? How is an older single guy supposed to find new dating partners when most of life consists of single contact meetings?

A:
I got single in middle age and went right for the personals. This was just before the internet boom, so it was through a weekly paper. Nonetheless, I got a few dates and scored a relationship that lasted a couple of years. My next and current one was the result of meeting someone in a professional context, and the personal relationship grew naturally.

I'm not sure what has changed. I think people, and perhaps women moreso, are protective and skeptical to a greater degree than in the past. It also has to do with context. I used to play in a band at a bar frequented by attractive divorced women. I think they expected to be approached in that situation and I saw many welcome it. That said, I'd hate to be dependent on the bar scene.

I'd recommend putting yourself in situations where interaction with women is natural and not date-seeking-centric such as a volunteer activity -- church, cultural organization, other do-gooder stuff. For starters you have some common interest that brought you there, and you might befriend someone who isn't a potential match but knows someone who is.

It's not easy out there, but assuming you're looking for someone around your age, the older you get the better the odds are for men.

Advice: I Want to Last Longer

Q:
Hi, I feel i have a real serious problem, i get ejaculated too early while i masterbate, it takes me only 3 minutes to jerk off myself. Similar is the case when i hav sex with my girl friend, please guide me what should i do??

A:
I have to first tell you that lasting three minutes is not premature ejaculation in my book and is, to my understanding, fairly average.

However, there are a number of techniques for training yourself to delay ejaculation. The fact that you have the same problem when jerking off as when having sex is good in a way that you are consistent and trying these techniques on yourself should help. But you also will need your partner's help with some of them when you are together.

Google "delay ejaculation" -- skip all the ads, but try the top results such as this.

Advice: I Can't Cum in There

Q:
I am a male 23 and into my sports a bit. So far whenever i have had sex i have never cum during intercourse. The only way i can cum is when I a wank myself off... it has its advantages but I'm hope its not some sort of dysfunction. There isn't a problem getting hard its just cumming during intercourse. I am too embarrassed to speak to my doc about it . Is there something i can do so that i cum more often naturally.

A:
I know it's hard to talk about sexual matters with your doctor, but I suggest you do or find a doc you are more comfortable with.

You don't say whether you have multiple partners. Because if it's just one it may have to do with that particular fit. Or it could be the positions you use are not the most effective for the friction you need. Or you can try a position where she can reach your testicles and play with them.

I would not characterize it as dysfunction. Every individual has different needs and responses, and those can change over time or be different with different partners.

You may also need more foreplay. It ain't just for chicks. Are you getting manual and oral stimulation before intercourse?

Finally, if this is not really hampering your enjoyment, then perhaps it's not really a problem until such time as you want to have kids. Then you might need some intervention.

If you haven't, see if your girlfriend can help you finish manually. Even if you need your hand on the unit, keep her involved with kissing, playing with your balls or sucking your nipples -- something so that your finish is still part of a mutual sex act.

Advice: Am I a Sex Addict?

Q:
I think I'm a sex addict. I'd be happy going for hours, several times a day, or all day long. I can have multiple orgasms and all that, my gf usually has several orgasms. What can I do to get my gf's libido up? She doesn't want to get on top, she says because she's insecure, and I think partly because she doesn't want to do the work, and she doesn't want to go as long as me.

Everything else is good . .

Do I need to make her eat better and work out so she has more energy (what I've read) or is it something else?

A:
I wouldn't characterize what you describe as sex addition, but you do have a very strong libido.

It sounds like you have an active sex life and your girlfriend climaxes well, so I wouldn't say she has a weak libido. You are just mismatched.

If she wants to be more sexually active, then exercise, diet and supplements are all worth looking into, and you will probably find some good web sites that specifically address female libido.  But I stress that nothing you've said indicates to me she has an underactive libido. If she's happy where she is I would suggest, like many couples, you need to find a compromise.

That compromise might include you masturbating more often. Or her helping you masturbate sometimes. Or her agreeing to sex even though she wasn't exactly in the mood -- sometimes getting started will get a partner in the mood.

This is all a separate issue from her reluctance to be on top. Again, you can only encourage her here. Have you told her that while she may feel insecure, you desire this because she looks great and seeing her on top turns you on? If she's really a limp fish in bed, then you need to address that.

But I think you may just have too much sexual and general energy compared to her. If she is really lacking energy, then joining a health club or engaging in some kind of workout on a regular basis is recommended without regard to your sex life. And certainly diet can be a factor.

Advice: I Wanna Be Cuckolded

Q:
I first came across the term cuckold about 2 years ago. I was able to let a breath out that I had been holding for what seemed like years. For years, I fantasized about an ex girlfriend of mine not wanting to bother with my penis (it is smaller than I would like...about 5 inches at its longest) and wanting to have all her sex with an ex. I would then picture her coming home then telling me to please her orally afterward...with the cream pie still in there. I honestly thought that I was the only man in the world who felt that way. The ultimate humiliation for me was one evening, I'm guessing about 9 or 9:30...in January, we were going someplace and she asked me if she could stop off at a friends house for a few minutes, after about 20 minutes of waiting for her, I honked the horn to let he know that we were running late... after a minute or two, she came to the car very angry and told me she would be out in a couple of minutes. After another 15 minutes and for the first time realizing there were no lights on in the house, I realized what was going on, got very upset, and drove off. Although I was really angry, I found it very arousing and fantasized it for days. She called the next day screaming at me and that is when I realized that I loved sitting out there in the cold waiting for her to make love to her ex. Again, I thought I was the only man in the world that found this erotic. We broke up a week after that, she broke it off, but I still was hoping that she would call and ask me to go down on her. I used to term it them cooking a dinner for me.

I guess my question is, do you find this type of activity erotic and I guess any suggestions on how a middle aged man could find a hot wife or a couple who would be part of a fantasy.

A:
I don't personally find this scenario interesting, but I've seen lots of it around the blogosphere. I think it is one of many kinds of humiliation that are a turn-on for some men and women.

I think it's fine with one caveat: What you're describing is double unprotected sex, first the woman and her ex or boyfriend, and then you being exposed to his semen. I think that's a deal-breaker. Consider other options that might give you the same excitement but be safer. For instance, she keeps the filled condom and shows it to you and describes what she did in great detail while you eat her out.

Now if you're into the humiliation part of it, then you really need to be the one that is cuckolded, thus you need to be in a relationship of some sort.

Certainly if you're willing to play another role you may be able to find couple on Craigslist > casual encounters > mw4m. You could always try running an ad under m4w or m4mw describing what you have in mind. Just know you will get a certain number of phony responses from webcam girls and the like. It's become somewhat useless to browse the w4m listings as 99.8% of them are spam.

But keep searching for real relationships and you may luck out by finding a woman you are compatible with in multiple ways including indulging in your fantasy (and it's not a bad one for her, to have permission to do this!). Once you have her, if she doesn't have an ex or someone to include, it won't be difficult to find a guy to join you from Craigslist.

Advice: Horny & Desperate

Q:
okay I'm 18 and my boyfriend is the same age...... we've been together for like 3 years but we haven't had sex yet... well not vaginally... trust me we do get our freak on but not sex....
okay the problem is these days when i get him excited like in a public place and he cant cum he's in pain ..... but usually when we do do something sexual he doesn't get to cum.... so recently some new rules were enforced.... much to my pain basically anything that would turn him on is out unless its guaranteed that he'll cum. i think my pussy pained me when my brain agreed. all fingering, orals and even phone and cyber sex is out.... so please do you have any advice on the matter? i need some type of help before i explode... I don't know if i can make it till my birthday and we have sex...... please help....

A:
You need to masturbate more.

OK, first of all it's really easy for an 18 year old guy to be excited. I'd say if being turned on is literally painful for him, don't do anything in places where you can't act on it and where it's not OK to finish the job

Next, I may be missing something, but I don't see why you both can't climax, whether by your own or each other's hands or mouths whether enjoying mutual masturbation or oral, or even phone sex. Go for it.

Advice: Another Anal Question

Q:
What happens to the rectum after several penetrations, or continued
anal sex, with a large penis?

A:
Umm, it's easier to take a dump? The non-expert here says that if you've been careful it may be stretched a little or at least more relaxed.

Advice: More Anal Angst

Q:
I have a question, my boyfriend enjoys anal sex however, I can't seem to get comfortable with it. We've tried many things such as different types of lube, and starting off with fingering etc. And it works for a little while but after a minute or two of anal/the fingering, it really starts to hurt. Even if I am well lubricated. We've tried different positions but I am wondering if you have any other advice for me?

A:
As I've mentioned before, I am definitely not an expert on anal. One thing I do know is that it doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps a reader can chime in, because if even fingering is hurting I don't have any ideas. Use his little finger and work up?

The real reason we used to read National Geographic

Posted April 1, 2009 on National Geographic's Intelligent Travel blog.