Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sex Advice: Is he still attracted to me?

My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 8. I'm 35 and he's 38. He had an affair, but I did not find out about it until after it ended. We've been through marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better, but he blurted out recently that this just wasn't working for him and he can't make me happy. I'm thinking this is preposterous as I enjoy being with my husband, I enjoy having sex with him, and I really enjoy our life. Could he be more attentive and affectionate? Sure, but so can most guys right? After a lot of tears and conversation, he says he wants us to work.

My problem is this...he spends a lot of time online looking at various types of porn, erotic stories, and personal ads and then says he's not attracted to me any more. How can he be? I don't look anything like the girls he looks at online. I'm not a stick, but I'm not a cow either. He's not fat by any means, but he is very out of shape, so he really doesn't have any room to criticize. In addition, it's not only heterosexual porn he's looking at...he's really interested in transsexual porn as well as gay male porn. Most of the personal ads he looks at are for transsexuals and gay men.

He swears he's not gay - his affair was with a woman - but I'm thinking he has some serious issues. I love him and I don't want to end my marriage, but I feel like I've been living in limbo for nearly a year now and I don't know what to do.

You're right...he does have serious issues.

I look at lots of porn with younger, firmer women. My wife doesn't look like them, and in reality I don't wish to be with them. Fantasizing about having sex with them does not make me less attracted to my wife. And yeah, I've put on a few pounds myself, so I get your point! It sounds cliche, but your husband may be in the throes of mid-life crisis. Unfortunately for many, the only result is they go off in search of nubile young things and either find them or not, but very often come crawling back to their wives.

As to the fascination with gay and tran porn and personals, it could be just curiosity, but as a totally straight man with no issues with people who are different, I can't imagine looking at that stuff. Why? At best, it doesn't interest me and at worst, well, I just don't want to see that. Thus, my opinion is he is not 100% on the straight end of the scale and may want to try it out. I have a good friend from high school whose husband is a little bi, and she has come to terms with the fact that he will sometimes feel the need to act on it. They've stayed married, and mostly happily, for more than 30 years. She doesn't like this aspect of him, but has accepted it.

So if he "he wants us to work" he needs to work at it. And part of that is being honest with himself and with you about what his desires, needs and attractions are. And whether he truly is no longer attracted to you, because that could be a deal-killer. I strongly recommend couples therapy, and I think he could use some individual therapy as well.

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