Evidence of What?

Paying by the Inch

From a great blog, Not Always Right:

(I am selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.)

Me: “So it’s between the 32 and the 36 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”

Wife: “I would!”

Merry Christmas from Hard & Fast

Happy Hanukkah!

From Fleshbot:

Tonight's the first night of Chanukah, and as Members of the Tribe everywhere know, it's not a Jewish holiday unless you're eating something. Latkes, doughnuts, pussy—as long as it's covered in oil, we'd like to eat it, please.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The recent news about Tiger Woods caused my wife and me to recall a pact we made early on in our marriage regarding possible infidelity: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

We decided that if either of us should have sex outside of marriage, the other didn't want to know about it. We weren't putting a value judgment on it, or even saying we felt OK if the other had an affair. As a matter of fact, the reason for this agreement was the assumption that it wouldn't feel OK to the other partner. But unlike proponents of abstinence-only education, we are realistic enough to believe that knowing something is wrong doesn't prevent you from doing it.

Frankly, I don't believe that having sex outside of marriage is necessarily wrong. If it's a one-time thing, pleasurable, and done with a measure of safety, it's like having a nice dinner. But I don't want to have a picture in my mind of my wife doing it with someone else. I'd rather just not know.

So there are some requirements that go with this policy:

1. Practice safer sex. That is an absolute requirement which, if violated, would require disclosure to the spouse.
2. If you feel guilty, you must not let it show. It is your problem, and not one to be relieved by "confessing."
3. Be smart about concealing this activity as regards your voice and electronic communications.
4. Be smart about doing it in a way that won't raise suspicions or cause an innocent question that has a guilty reaction. Best solution is not to do it in your home town.
5. Realize that a one-nighter is one thing, an ongoing affair is another. The latter will likely be harmful to your marriage in one or more ways: An affair is a relationship that competes with your marriage for your emotional attention as well as time. It can affect your performance at work. And a lover spurned is likely to let your wife know, or broadcast the news via social media or by just telling a lot of people. (And it only gets worse if you're well-known!)

Even if you don't have an agreement with your spouse or partner, if you do have sex outside of your committed relationship and wish not to harm that relationship, these requirements still apply.

Louis Abolafia

Louis Abolafia was well known to New Yorkers in the late 1960s, an integral part of the New York and San Francisco hippie anti-war movements and general troublemaker.

He was a participant in the International Psychedelic Exposition, held in 1967. The catalog describes the exhibition as follows:

The purposes of the First International Psychedelic Exposition are manifold. On one level we hope to give the general public a glimpse of the psychedelic world and the beautiful creations it has inspired. On another level we hope that open and forthright exposition of psychedelic phenomena by the people it has inspired will facilitate communication between those who are somewhat fearful of the mind expansion experience and those who have had the experience and found a method to present what they found most worthwhile, be it through music, art, visual techniques, or group events."

The catalog also promoted "a common drug available to anyone with $5.00 to spare - lysergic acid diethylamide". Yes, LSD was then legal.

Louis Abolafia was the founder and father of the Exotic Erotic Ball. From its web site:

"Known as the King of Hippies and the man who coined the phrase "Make Love Not War," he felt nudity and love were better expressions than war and oppression. This couldn't be truer today, and so we continue to celebrate his dream with music, feasting, fun, nudity (or close to it) and love for all.

In the beginning there was Louis Abolafia and his good friend Perry Mann. They made their dwellings in the Land by the Bay. One day, Louis approached Perry and said: "I want to run for President. I will be the candidate from the Nudist Party. Will you help me do this?" Perry responded: "Please tell me, Louis, why is it that you wish to run for President under the Nudist Party?" Louis responded: "It is because I have absolutely nothing to hide." Perry smiled and said: "Then I will help you."

To help finance Louis' candidacy, Perry created an event that celebrated freedom, the right to choose, and the right to be as one chooses to be. This is widely known as freedom of expression. People came to the event Perry created in the land by the Bay to experience this freedom of expression, and they rejoiced. And the Exotic Erotic Ball was born."

The ball celebrates its 30th anniversary tomorrow, and I just wanted to remember Louis and his wonderful spirit.

Ah, the taste of Lysol!

Sugasm #170

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Kyra's Chrysalis

Once upon a time, before the internet, it was difficult to learn about sexual services and the like. In the late 80s I entered a period of regular visits to strip clubs and massage parlors. But with no ready reviews, it was hit and miss, especially as a lot of this happened when I was traveling the country on business, so I couldn't avail myself of local word of mouth.

But my first and most regular erotic massage experience was at Kyra's Chrysalis in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I'm sure I found out about it through their coded ads in newspaper classifieds. I remember calling the first time, not knowing how it all worked or what to expect, and I was read the menu. Intrigued by "Bubble Bath Surprise" I made a reservation and headed over.

Kyra's was in a private home in this very touristy town. But it was totally discreet, and I believe it lived off of local clientele rather than tourists. Kyra herself was a remarkable woman, a psychic who performed past life regressions as well as managing her rub-n-tug business. She was warm and welcoming and considered the service she and her ladies were providing a sacred enterprise.

The women who worked there were not hotties. They were mostly single mothers. Certainly they were attractive enough, but it was their personalities and approach to the work that made visiting Kyra's such a pleasure. They provided an outlet for many unsatisfied married men.

The Bubble Bath Surprise was a 45-minute session. It began with the bubble bath, with your chosen lady in lingerie washing you all over. Then to the massage table. The women at Kyra's could deliver a decent Swedish massage. On the flip they would go topless and there might be a little body to body contact. But this was closer to therapeutic massage with a happy ending then it was to something more overtly sexual. Pretty tame by today's standards.

And yet it was exactly what I needed at the time. A fun, "clean," guiltless, sensual experience and release provided by a nice lady. And the price was amazingly reaosnable, even for twenty years ago: $45 plus tip. The tip was not spoken of, negotiated on, or a condition of the hand release. When the session was over, you could tip if you wanted. I always tipped $40 and thought I was being pretty generous, and I think by their reactions the ladies agreed.

Eventually, Old Orchard passed a law against hand jobs and Kyra was run out of town. She relocated at least twice in different towns in the Portland area, but eventually disappeared.

If anyone knows what happened to Kyra, please comment here. I want her to know, along with Linda, Amber and the other ladies, how wonderful their service was and how much it was appreciated.

Advice: Threesome Wish

Q:
Am i wrong for wanting to have sex with a girl and my future husband.

A:
Nothing wrong with it. And I'd like to find the guy who would object to this.

But if you are really thinking of doing it, rather than just having it as a fantasy, know that it is playing with fire. Things can go wrong. Like he doesn't like seeing you have sex with another girl as much as he thought he would. Or you don't want a full 3-some, where he does it with the other. Or he does, but then you regret it. On the other hand, lots of folks do this and everyone's happy.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Advice: Is porn more important than me?

Q:
OK so i met a girl at a bar one night i got her number we had sex that morning.
we hit it off pretty good going camping and out to bars all the time on weekends.
we talked about love and kids and moving out together (she stayed in the basement of grandma's kinda like her own place she paid rent) and i stayed there for most of the almost 6 months we were together.

well she found out i was looking up porn on her computer she was angry asked me not to do it on her computer. i said OK and promised not to do it again and so she found out i did again happened 4 times to b exact. the third time was her b-day and we broke up and she took me back but said if i did it again we were done.

obviously i did it again and now she will hardly talk to me been 3 months since it happened. i cant sleep, eat, or think right. we argued for quite awhile and finally she said it wasn't love it was her just wanting to party and me just wanting to fuck.
well what do i do?

i know we were right for each other but she cant get over that.please please help me

A:
Hey buddy, I have no issues with porn, but she did. And it was her computer. If you wouldn't stop, obviously the porn was more important to you than she was.

I don't believe what she told you however, because if this relationship was just about partying she wouldn't be so put out about the porn. She'd be annoyed for sure, and so would I if you kept doing something on my property I asked you not to.

I think first you need to address your porn addiction, because that's what it is. You may want to try therapy.

Then you can try going back to her and tell her that you've worked on your problem.

Advice: They put sex back in the closet

Q:
My wife and I have a very active sex life. We have never had any problems getting the job done, even with 5 kids! We tend to go out on "dates" and retreat to a hotel room as a "vacation" once in a while. When we cant do that, we resort to the "Minute man sex" in the closet!! We've ALWAYS made time for sex whether it is romantic or wham bam thank you ma'm. My question is:

We have watched our share of videos. (Porn). And lately, we have watched videos with woman coming to a squirting orgasm. I have to tell you, my wife has a very very sensitive clit. All you have to do is blow on it and shes writhing! She has never had a squirting orgasm and Ive only made one woman squirt in my life. Is there something I could do to help her squirt or is it just one of those things that may or may not happen? Would LOVE to be able to make her do that if I could.

A:
Congrats on keeping the passion alive!

Squirting ability varies among women, and my guess is in real life it's less common than in porn. As I wrote recently, Google "female ejaculation" and you'll find lots on the subject.

Advice: More Trouble Cumming

Q:
I am going through a divorce where she left me for another woman stating that we got married too young. We were married for 29 years. In that time we had a very inadequate sex life due to her issues with weight. My question is that now I have a girlfriend and I really please her. She can' believe That I can keep it
hard for hours and can go all weekend. The problem is that I don't cum and this has never been a problem before. I do ejaculate when I masturbate however. Any suggestions?

A:
You're not alone. Click on the tag below or on the sidebar for "trouble cumming" and you'll see how I've responded to others with this issue.

Advice: Aunt Fantasies

Q:
I live with my aunt who is very seductive with out actually doing anything , I can not get aroused when she is not around and it is torture , she will be home soon and Im considering what would happen if she completed my orgasm with either her hands or her gorgeous feet . Im sure she would want me too not be in pain , and im just curious . I think it will get it out of my system ,plus I am the not approaching the situation , Maybe you can suggest a way to start , I am also completely ok with her watching me massage it while she curls her toes , I might not have m,uch time left on this earth , Id like a pleasureable expierience , also why doesnt it get hard when she is not around ?

A:
You ought to get together with the girl who had a crush on her uncle.

You don't say anything about how old you are and how old your aunt is or why you are living with her. My advice is similar as to that girl: fantasize if you must, butlook elsewhere.

Advice: Gotta Love Giving Head

Q:
Is it just me, or is there a serious double standard surrounding fellatio/cunnilingus? Giving guys head has become so standard that any girl who doesn't do it is considered a repressed prude - which does make sense. But it seems to me that guys who don't go down on girls are treated much more kindly. And if they do, they consider it some kind of freaking accomplishment, rather than the equal counterpart to fellatio. Bullshit reasons such as "surface area" and the penis being "more aesthetically pleasing" than the vagina are of course given.

I have had guys tell me that they enjoy giving me head because it gives me pleasure, but that they don't enjoy it physically. To me this seems awful, basically the equivalent of saying "Well, I'll do this thing because I'm SUCH an amazing lover, but in actual fact your cunt disgusts me." A good lover must love all of my body; if anything, he should love my cunt MORE than anything else. When I am getting head, I want to know he loves the way my cunt smells, tastes and feels, that he would do it just for the sake of how it feels to him. This grudging shit is not cool.

Are you with me? I hope one day women's bodies may be seen as the beautiful miracles that they are. It is time for some freaking liberation!

A:
I'm with you 100%.

Guys, pay attention.

Advice: The Cuckold Fantasy Again!

Q:
Over the last couple of years I have been obsessing about imagining my wife with another man. We have never really considered it and will probably never do it but I always fantasize about it. We even incorporate it into our lovemaking. Kind of like the scene from the movie Sideways. She plays along with it and makes up stories about being with other men while I'm at work and so on. She has been a good sport about it.
When alone I sometimes even masturbate to the thought of it. I never used to do this, it would have never crossed my mind. I can't explain why that is. But, it is probably my strongest fantasy arousal. Is this normal? What does it mean? Please help. I am starting to worry.

A:
People always want to know "is this normal." Please don't worry about normal. There is no normal.

At this point you haven't complicated matters by wanting to act on the fantasy. There would be nothing wrong with it per se, but it would be playing with fire.

If your wife is OK with this as she seems to be (actually she may be loving it), just enjoy the fantasy.

Advice: Joe College Wants to Know...

Q:
I'm currently a standard, everyday 19 year old living at college. To get it off my chest right now, I'm still a virgin. That fact does not particularly bother me, because I abhor the standard college rituals of getting drunk per weekend and then have sex with some random person you were hitting on afterwards. I would so much rather be actually able to remember it!

Problem is, over the last couple of months, I've become closer and closer with several women I know. I haven't really "dated" in a year or two, and my previous relationships ended without much in the way of intimacy at all. I have considered asking them out on a night date, and one hinted at me staying over her dorm room...I'm not assuming, but if she offers I'll be a little intimidated.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've occasionally had a problem of cumming without reaching anything nearly close to what I remember as an orgasm when I masterbate. It's like I can't keep my mind off of finishing and I lose it physically before that mental feel-good buzz sets in. I'm utterly terrified that when I finally do get to that special moment, something won't work or I may experience problems like that. I also don't want my partner to think it was their fault. To make matters worse, I'm not really sure if I have too much pubic hair or not. I've tried to consider whether or not a girl would be turned off due to it or not, but I never worked up the courage to speak to any friends about what they do to control it. Shave it? It kind of worries me.

A:
Your fears are natural. As such, I think you'd be best trying to get into a dating situation where the possibility of sex is not so immediate, so that you really start to know the girl and begin forming emotional intimacy. That way, when you start moving toward a sexual relationship, you can first talk honestly about your desires and fears. She may have them too. And it's good to mutually lower expectations so you can just experience and learn. Rather than just "going for it" progress toward having sex, just like we did in olden days.

As to the pubic hair thing, all I know is that the trend among younger folks is to either shaving or trimming, but it's not for everyone. Again, if you develop a real relationship, it's something you can talk about, but I wouldn't do anything about it now. Some people still prefer the natural look.

Advice: What they don't tell you when you're young

Q:
I am older and have a small amount of ejaculate when I cum. Is there a drug or preparation which will increase the amount? Is there an exercise to accomplish the same thing?

We have sex every week but my ejaculations are much less satisfying.

A:
Ah, an age old problem, or old age I guess. I've addressed this before.

I wish I understood why this matters to us. My climaxes feel better than they did when I was younger, and there is no direct relationship to orgasmic intensity and ejaculation.

Try some of the recommended supplements, but otherwise, just relax, close your eyes and enjoy the ride.

Advice: Getting Out

Q:
How 2 get it on with a friend w/o outing yourself as being gay if he isn't into it.

A:
Tough one. Yet another good reason to not be in the closet. I can't think of a way to approach this without outing yourself. If he's a real friend, tell him the truth about yourself and see what happens. Then you can decide whether to let him know you're interested in more than friendship.

Advice: Why has our sex life changed?

Q:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now, but this past year we decided to move in together. At first the sex was great and we did it all the time. But now he barely ever wants sex. He does ask for blowjobs alot, however is never willing to reciprocate. How can I make him interested in sex again??

A:
You need to talk to him about what's going on, or in this case what's not going on. Guys don't like to talk, but it's necessary in this case.

He may be distracted by problems at work, he may not be attracted to you anymore, he may be having an affair, he may regret moving in with you. Since he's still horny, it's probably not a medical thing.

You can't make him be interested in sex again, but perhaps you can help him to. Or at least find out why he's changed.

If he won't open up, next time he asks for e BJ, say "no" but you'd love to have sex with him. If he turns that down, that doesn't tell you why he's changed, but it does tell you just what you're left with.

Advice: Can I get a Squirt?

Q:
how do u get a lady to produce the golden showers????

A:
I think you have your terminology wrong. Golden shower refers to urination, which is easy for anyone to do, if you're into that kind of thing.

I think you're talking about female ejaculation. It's kinda more up to her than you. If you're with someone who wants to learn how to do it -- and it doesn't work for everyone -- Google "female ejaculation" and you'll find lots on the subject. But I think you've just been watching too much YouPorn.

Advice: She's Never Climaxed

Q:
Here is my problem. Me and my girlfriend have been sexually active since we started dating about a year ago. Also she has never ever had an orgasm, not with me or anyone, not even with herself. I have tried so hard to give her the pleasure she gives me but I just seem to fall short. I personally think that I am to blame, my penis is kind of short and I always orgasm to quickly. What should I do?

A:
Considering she has never orgasmed, you're taking a lot on yourself. Of course it's not your fault. She needs to learn how to orgasm and there are plenty of resources on the internet. As well, she may need some specialized therapy. And there can always be a physiological cause.

Get her to Google "learning how to orgasm" and she'll find a wealth of articles and book suggestions.

My question to you is whether she is very frustrated when you have sex, or seems to be enjoying it and just doesn't climax? My advice is for you not to concentrate on her orgasm until she learns about specific exercises you can help her with, and just concentrate on giving her sensual pleasure. Everyone knows how to receive that. And if you both relax into it, who knows, something good may happen.

Advice: How Dry I Am, How Wet I'll Be

Q:
I have been married with my husband for 9 years. My problem is that I can only orgasm once during intercourse, which I know is okay considering that not all can have it and must fake it. But the thing is, once I do cum, I start to get dry which could get quite painful since my husband hasn't cum yet and won't for quite sometime. And most often, I cum very early during sex. I don't know what to do? Please help.

A:
Try stopping the intercourse for a moment and lubing up. There are plenty of products on the market available at the drugstore or online you can try. I personally like Slippery Stuff. That should make it more comfortable for you and actually better for him. Might even make him cum faster.

If that doesn't work, try to convince him to cum some other way. Like in all porn, the finish is through some combination of hand and mouth work. You could star in your own porn fantasy!

Also, some other position might be better. But in any case, you need lubrication and if it doesn't come naturally, that why God made artificial lubes.

Sin Chew Indeed!

A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.

The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ.

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.

The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

“On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.

Sugasm #164

HNT courtesy of Thursdays Child Has Far To Go.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #165? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Confessional: Breaking the Girl

“And that’s why I’ll love it, that’s what will fuel me to dig deeper.”

Does Art imitate Life or Life Art?

“We were experimental and conventional and some times both in the same round of sex. ”

It burns…

“And this is no sweet kissing”

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Honesty: Fetish Fridays: Teabagging

Editor’s Choice

Light Me Up Right

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex News, Reviews, and Interviews

Champagne Giveaway: Lesbian Hospital 2 from Girlfriends Films

O’my Caramel Lubricant

Sex Advice

Advice: I Can’t Cum in There

Delayed Ejaculation - The Flip Side of Premature Ejaculation

Gettin’ Busy Goin’ Green

How to Get the Best Orgasm

BDSM & Fetish

Annie Wersching: I’d Beat

Cousins in pigtails

Get painfull paddle over the table

Out of the Past, Toward the Future

The Slit Dream

Submission and Orgasms

Sex Humor

Question Time!

Singing disco and squealing with (good) pain

Erotic Writing and Experiences

The Canvas

Diary of a Futa - Marny’s Journal

Fairy Time

The Games We Play

I Love His Cock

Kiev kink

Love letter to a memory.

Ms. Robinson

My slutty little girl.

The Overnight. Finale (Dildos)

Perks of the Job

Silence

Three

A Three Way with Adonis

Sex & Politics

The FatGirl Pervert Rants.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Brothers… and Sisters

For The Single Male

My Little Secrets or Things I Don’t Tell the Boys

A quick note on pets.

She Got-I Got

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Angel in the midst

Croatia Football Babe - Body Painting

Lysa is au natural

New Cuckold MP3

Pure Pleasure

Vulnerable HNT

Wild animal set free

Advice: Is she diddling herself with thoughts of me?

Q:
Basically what I’m asking is: you know how guys see a girl “like at school, work, etc” and masturbate thinking about having sex with them!? Just wondering if women do the same (masturbate in private about a co-worker they see everyday, a boy at school, etc? If I would like to “think” that one does is there anyway to know? Like asking a question? Seeing a reaction? Was just always curious. Like could a girl at work be masturbating off thinking about me while in private?

A:
It certainly happens, but from the women I've known that I could talk about such stuff with, and from what I've read, women are somewhat less likely to sexually fantasize about people they know than men are. I think they are more likely than men to fantasize about celebrities. Other than that, like us, they may fantasize about someone they make up or saw on the street or in the subway.

And I understand your curiosity. Wouldn't it be interesting to know if someone was masturbating to visions of you? 

Sex Advice: Is he still attracted to me?

Q:
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 8. I'm 35 and he's 38. He had an affair, but I did not find out about it until after it ended. We've been through marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better, but he blurted out recently that this just wasn't working for him and he can't make me happy. I'm thinking this is preposterous as I enjoy being with my husband, I enjoy having sex with him, and I really enjoy our life. Could he be more attentive and affectionate? Sure, but so can most guys right? After a lot of tears and conversation, he says he wants us to work.

My problem is this...he spends a lot of time online looking at various types of porn, erotic stories, and personal ads and then says he's not attracted to me any more. How can he be? I don't look anything like the girls he looks at online. I'm not a stick, but I'm not a cow either. He's not fat by any means, but he is very out of shape, so he really doesn't have any room to criticize. In addition, it's not only heterosexual porn he's looking at...he's really interested in transsexual porn as well as gay male porn. Most of the personal ads he looks at are for transsexuals and gay men.

He swears he's not gay - his affair was with a woman - but I'm thinking he has some serious issues. I love him and I don't want to end my marriage, but I feel like I've been living in limbo for nearly a year now and I don't know what to do.

A:
You're right...he does have serious issues.

I look at lots of porn with younger, firmer women. My wife doesn't look like them, and in reality I don't wish to be with them. Fantasizing about having sex with them does not make me less attracted to my wife. And yeah, I've put on a few pounds myself, so I get your point! It sounds cliche, but your husband may be in the throes of mid-life crisis. Unfortunately for many, the only result is they go off in search of nubile young things and either find them or not, but very often come crawling back to their wives.

As to the fascination with gay and tran porn and personals, it could be just curiosity, but as a totally straight man with no issues with people who are different, I can't imagine looking at that stuff. Why? At best, it doesn't interest me and at worst, well, I just don't want to see that. Thus, my opinion is he is not 100% on the straight end of the scale and may want to try it out. I have a good friend from high school whose husband is a little bi, and she has come to terms with the fact that he will sometimes feel the need to act on it. They've stayed married, and mostly happily, for more than 30 years. She doesn't like this aspect of him, but has accepted it.

So if he "he wants us to work" he needs to work at it. And part of that is being honest with himself and with you about what his desires, needs and attractions are. And whether he truly is no longer attracted to you, because that could be a deal-killer. I strongly recommend couples therapy, and I think he could use some individual therapy as well.

Advice: Sex Toys for Larger Folks

Q:
we have been married over thirty yrs. nature has taken its course and i have some health issues. but we keep trying anyway. my question is that we are two large people and we need any info an sexual toys and strap-ons that will help us be all that we can be. we both love sex to its full extent. she loves dildos that are a little more real and i have become a little partial to toys myself. basically we need to know if a company somewhere makes toys for the larger people of this earth,strapon sizes are to small. can you help us.


A:
Good for you! I'm afraid I don't know if there's a sex toy source specializing in bigger stuff. My advice is to try Good Vibrations. They have great customer service and if they don't have what you need, they probably know who does. They are totally sex-positive and you should feel very comfortable talking with them openly about your needs.

Advice: Never trust the guy on the radio

Q:
Hey! How re you doing? I heard a radio Dj say masturbation can cause blindness and impotence.how true is ths statement?

A:
I've known many DJs personally, so I know better than to trust what they say. Not true. It only causes warts.

Advice: Heart Out of Luck

Q:
I am recently divorced and after 11 years, admittedly out of touch with the dating scene. Once I get started, I don't seem to have a problem keeping things going with compatible women. My problem is in meeting new women.

When I am in public and find a woman attractive, I glance, if intrigued, I look. If the look is returned, I'll give the smile and nod, waiting for some similar acknowledgment. All else being equal, I'll make an approach, introduce myself, and ask for something simple, a meeting for a coffee, a bagel, once even popcorn at the refreshment stand. When I first started working, moving into dating after college, all of this was rather acceptable, and usually worked. Now, I either get polite refusals (which I understand, and graciously accept) or - more frequently - looks like I am a possible stalker and some awkward acknowledgement of my presence.

Have times changed so radically that we can't trust others on a basic level? I'm not a bad looking guy, usually moderately well dressed. Is there a vibe I'm sending out, or are people just so used to online dating that it is now wrong to find attraction to someone in public and ask to get to know them? How is an older single guy supposed to find new dating partners when most of life consists of single contact meetings?

A:
I got single in middle age and went right for the personals. This was just before the internet boom, so it was through a weekly paper. Nonetheless, I got a few dates and scored a relationship that lasted a couple of years. My next and current one was the result of meeting someone in a professional context, and the personal relationship grew naturally.

I'm not sure what has changed. I think people, and perhaps women moreso, are protective and skeptical to a greater degree than in the past. It also has to do with context. I used to play in a band at a bar frequented by attractive divorced women. I think they expected to be approached in that situation and I saw many welcome it. That said, I'd hate to be dependent on the bar scene.

I'd recommend putting yourself in situations where interaction with women is natural and not date-seeking-centric such as a volunteer activity -- church, cultural organization, other do-gooder stuff. For starters you have some common interest that brought you there, and you might befriend someone who isn't a potential match but knows someone who is.

It's not easy out there, but assuming you're looking for someone around your age, the older you get the better the odds are for men.

Advice: I Want to Last Longer

Q:
Hi, I feel i have a real serious problem, i get ejaculated too early while i masterbate, it takes me only 3 minutes to jerk off myself. Similar is the case when i hav sex with my girl friend, please guide me what should i do??

A:
I have to first tell you that lasting three minutes is not premature ejaculation in my book and is, to my understanding, fairly average.

However, there are a number of techniques for training yourself to delay ejaculation. The fact that you have the same problem when jerking off as when having sex is good in a way that you are consistent and trying these techniques on yourself should help. But you also will need your partner's help with some of them when you are together.

Google "delay ejaculation" -- skip all the ads, but try the top results such as this.

Advice: I Can't Cum in There

Q:
I am a male 23 and into my sports a bit. So far whenever i have had sex i have never cum during intercourse. The only way i can cum is when I a wank myself off... it has its advantages but I'm hope its not some sort of dysfunction. There isn't a problem getting hard its just cumming during intercourse. I am too embarrassed to speak to my doc about it . Is there something i can do so that i cum more often naturally.

A:
I know it's hard to talk about sexual matters with your doctor, but I suggest you do or find a doc you are more comfortable with.

You don't say whether you have multiple partners. Because if it's just one it may have to do with that particular fit. Or it could be the positions you use are not the most effective for the friction you need. Or you can try a position where she can reach your testicles and play with them.

I would not characterize it as dysfunction. Every individual has different needs and responses, and those can change over time or be different with different partners.

You may also need more foreplay. It ain't just for chicks. Are you getting manual and oral stimulation before intercourse?

Finally, if this is not really hampering your enjoyment, then perhaps it's not really a problem until such time as you want to have kids. Then you might need some intervention.

If you haven't, see if your girlfriend can help you finish manually. Even if you need your hand on the unit, keep her involved with kissing, playing with your balls or sucking your nipples -- something so that your finish is still part of a mutual sex act.

Advice: Am I a Sex Addict?

Q:
I think I'm a sex addict. I'd be happy going for hours, several times a day, or all day long. I can have multiple orgasms and all that, my gf usually has several orgasms. What can I do to get my gf's libido up? She doesn't want to get on top, she says because she's insecure, and I think partly because she doesn't want to do the work, and she doesn't want to go as long as me.

Everything else is good . .

Do I need to make her eat better and work out so she has more energy (what I've read) or is it something else?

A:
I wouldn't characterize what you describe as sex addition, but you do have a very strong libido.

It sounds like you have an active sex life and your girlfriend climaxes well, so I wouldn't say she has a weak libido. You are just mismatched.

If she wants to be more sexually active, then exercise, diet and supplements are all worth looking into, and you will probably find some good web sites that specifically address female libido.  But I stress that nothing you've said indicates to me she has an underactive libido. If she's happy where she is I would suggest, like many couples, you need to find a compromise.

That compromise might include you masturbating more often. Or her helping you masturbate sometimes. Or her agreeing to sex even though she wasn't exactly in the mood -- sometimes getting started will get a partner in the mood.

This is all a separate issue from her reluctance to be on top. Again, you can only encourage her here. Have you told her that while she may feel insecure, you desire this because she looks great and seeing her on top turns you on? If she's really a limp fish in bed, then you need to address that.

But I think you may just have too much sexual and general energy compared to her. If she is really lacking energy, then joining a health club or engaging in some kind of workout on a regular basis is recommended without regard to your sex life. And certainly diet can be a factor.

Advice: I Wanna Be Cuckolded

Q:
I first came across the term cuckold about 2 years ago. I was able to let a breath out that I had been holding for what seemed like years. For years, I fantasized about an ex girlfriend of mine not wanting to bother with my penis (it is smaller than I would like...about 5 inches at its longest) and wanting to have all her sex with an ex. I would then picture her coming home then telling me to please her orally afterward...with the cream pie still in there. I honestly thought that I was the only man in the world who felt that way. The ultimate humiliation for me was one evening, I'm guessing about 9 or 9:30...in January, we were going someplace and she asked me if she could stop off at a friends house for a few minutes, after about 20 minutes of waiting for her, I honked the horn to let he know that we were running late... after a minute or two, she came to the car very angry and told me she would be out in a couple of minutes. After another 15 minutes and for the first time realizing there were no lights on in the house, I realized what was going on, got very upset, and drove off. Although I was really angry, I found it very arousing and fantasized it for days. She called the next day screaming at me and that is when I realized that I loved sitting out there in the cold waiting for her to make love to her ex. Again, I thought I was the only man in the world that found this erotic. We broke up a week after that, she broke it off, but I still was hoping that she would call and ask me to go down on her. I used to term it them cooking a dinner for me.

I guess my question is, do you find this type of activity erotic and I guess any suggestions on how a middle aged man could find a hot wife or a couple who would be part of a fantasy.

A:
I don't personally find this scenario interesting, but I've seen lots of it around the blogosphere. I think it is one of many kinds of humiliation that are a turn-on for some men and women.

I think it's fine with one caveat: What you're describing is double unprotected sex, first the woman and her ex or boyfriend, and then you being exposed to his semen. I think that's a deal-breaker. Consider other options that might give you the same excitement but be safer. For instance, she keeps the filled condom and shows it to you and describes what she did in great detail while you eat her out.

Now if you're into the humiliation part of it, then you really need to be the one that is cuckolded, thus you need to be in a relationship of some sort.

Certainly if you're willing to play another role you may be able to find couple on Craigslist > casual encounters > mw4m. You could always try running an ad under m4w or m4mw describing what you have in mind. Just know you will get a certain number of phony responses from webcam girls and the like. It's become somewhat useless to browse the w4m listings as 99.8% of them are spam.

But keep searching for real relationships and you may luck out by finding a woman you are compatible with in multiple ways including indulging in your fantasy (and it's not a bad one for her, to have permission to do this!). Once you have her, if she doesn't have an ex or someone to include, it won't be difficult to find a guy to join you from Craigslist.

Advice: Horny & Desperate

Q:
okay I'm 18 and my boyfriend is the same age...... we've been together for like 3 years but we haven't had sex yet... well not vaginally... trust me we do get our freak on but not sex....
okay the problem is these days when i get him excited like in a public place and he cant cum he's in pain ..... but usually when we do do something sexual he doesn't get to cum.... so recently some new rules were enforced.... much to my pain basically anything that would turn him on is out unless its guaranteed that he'll cum. i think my pussy pained me when my brain agreed. all fingering, orals and even phone and cyber sex is out.... so please do you have any advice on the matter? i need some type of help before i explode... I don't know if i can make it till my birthday and we have sex...... please help....

A:
You need to masturbate more.

OK, first of all it's really easy for an 18 year old guy to be excited. I'd say if being turned on is literally painful for him, don't do anything in places where you can't act on it and where it's not OK to finish the job

Next, I may be missing something, but I don't see why you both can't climax, whether by your own or each other's hands or mouths whether enjoying mutual masturbation or oral, or even phone sex. Go for it.

Advice: Another Anal Question

Q:
What happens to the rectum after several penetrations, or continued
anal sex, with a large penis?

A:
Umm, it's easier to take a dump? The non-expert here says that if you've been careful it may be stretched a little or at least more relaxed.

Advice: More Anal Angst

Q:
I have a question, my boyfriend enjoys anal sex however, I can't seem to get comfortable with it. We've tried many things such as different types of lube, and starting off with fingering etc. And it works for a little while but after a minute or two of anal/the fingering, it really starts to hurt. Even if I am well lubricated. We've tried different positions but I am wondering if you have any other advice for me?

A:
As I've mentioned before, I am definitely not an expert on anal. One thing I do know is that it doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps a reader can chime in, because if even fingering is hurting I don't have any ideas. Use his little finger and work up?

The real reason we used to read National Geographic

Posted April 1, 2009 on National Geographic's Intelligent Travel blog.

Advice: Breasts for my lover?

Q:
hello i'm a gay male. my lover would like me to have breasts. we can not afford implants is there anything that we can do to enlarge my chest he like for me to have least 36d. i'm 6' 0 tall my weight is 145 lbs hope you can suggest something thank you

A:
Grow older and don't diet or exercise - you'll get man-boobs for sure.


I'm sorry, but I think female breasts are one of the things you don't get if you're gay. Are you sure your lover isn't bi? If he was then you could invite a female into your love life.

If he wants you to look like you have tits, get some falsies and wear them when you're dressed, but I know of no substitutes for the real or fake things when you're nekkid.

Advice: Why can’t I get my wife aroused?

Q:
Recently married to wife who is 40. And had cervical cancer three years ago.
She has told me that she has had sex with more men then she can remember none of this mattered. I told her I love her and we moved on. Now however she doesn't ever seem interested in sex unless I initiate she has never had an orgasm with me and always seems real dry. Please help !

A:
Did you even discuss sex before you got married? You might have received some insights.

I don't know if this is related, either physiologically or psychologically, to her cancer experience.

You say you've moved on from learning about her past experience, but it's obvious you're bugged because she used to screw a lot and now she doesn't want to. It's not about you. Women (and men) go through stages where they do different things.

If she's not experiencing pleasure when you have sex, that would be a good tip off to why she's not interested.

They key is getting her interested in finding a solution. She may not be getting aroused due to hormonal issues, and that certainly could be related to her cancer. I'm guessing even if she is not of menopausal age, she may have had a hysterectomy (sorry I'm not more informed on the subject of cervical cancer treatment).

Let's address possible physiological reasons first and suggest she consult her gynecologist about this.

But also ask her if there's any other possible reason she can think of that she's not interested in or having a good time with you in bed. She may need some different kinds or amounts of attention than you're used to.

Advice: Can a feminist be a sub?

Q:
Before I go any farther, I'd like to state that I am a woman, and a strong-willed, modern one at that, someone who comes from a long line of independent feminists. That's one of the reasons that the following have started to make me think. You see, I seem to have an issue with women.

When I masturbate, whether I'm watching something or just fantasizing, pretty much the only situations that get me off are D/s, BDSM. bondage, or forced orgasm. Anything where the woman is in the weaker position, and held/tied down and forced to feel pleasure, whether she wants it or not. I've fantasized about being raped, gangbanged, about being part of a D/s relationship, I used to go through elaborate ways of tying myself down... the thing is that nothing else turns me on like these things do. Loving, romantic, gentle sex is...fine, but not something that gets me excited. I want screaming, crying, begging...but if the woman starts to show any sign of being in power, that's it for me. Takes me completely out of it. I don't get it.

Another thing is that again, when masturbating, it cannot be me doing it, or it doesn't work. I have to have a hands-free vibe or one I can slip into my underwear and press against. My hands can be on my breasts and it doesn't matter that they're mine...but I cannot be "in control" of any pleasure I receive or else any fantasy completely shatters and I never orgasm.

...What's wrong with me?

A:
Dr. Sensu assures you there is nothing wrong with you.

I'm sure the shrinks have theories about why certain things are turn-ons for certain people, especially when those turn-ons seem in conflict with other aspects of the individual. I choose not to worry about that shit. My philosophy is that if it feels good and nobody is getting coerced or hurt, just lie back and enjoy it.

Instead or worrying about or fighting that which turns you on, explore it. Find the greatest pleasure and excitement you can.

You don't say what your non-masturbatory sex life is like. I can speak about this from personal experience. At middle age I was single and got into a relationship. We were having fun being together, but the sexual sparks weren't really there. Then she confided that she had always fantasized about some of the same things you do and would like me to take her into that world. I had absolutely no experience with this, nor had I even fantasized about it. I am a strong feminist, opposed to any form of subjugation or inequality of women, yet I performed rape fantasies with her and liked it. I do nothing of this in my current relationship and am perfectly happy about that, but am grateful for the experiences I had with her. It's hard to describe, but I discovered aspects of myself I didn't know were there.

Enjoy your masturbation, and perhaps if you're really fortunate you'll find someone you will feel safe with to explore your deepest fantasies and desires.

Advice: The Green Monster (and not at Fenway)

Note: This, as with most of the questions I've been answering, were sent to my friend Aspasia Fern. Aspasia has retired from the advice business, so I've offered to do my best for her correspondents.

Q:
I have been an avid reader of your advice column for a while now, and while it seems to have been a long time since you did a batch post on Literotica, I am hoping that this gets to you, and that you have the time (and the patience) to write, even if it doesn't end up in a column there.

I have a whole lot of questions kind of rolled up into one, and I don't know any local professionals out here that I would trust enough to ask about any of them. Having read the advice you have given others, however, I think that you might be exactly the person to ask these things.

I am a twenty-five year old male, and in a rather complicated relationship. My girlfriend of six months is beautiful, loving, amazingly passionate, experimental, and responsive sexually... in short, everything any reasonable man could want, and then some. She makes me very happy, and I am told (often, both in bed and out) that I make her happy too. There are a few tiny hang-ups, however, that I was hoping you could help me to sort out.

I was my girl's first sexual experience, and while she is very happy with our sex life and enjoys it as much as I do, we are still early enough in our relationship that I worry sometimes that she may not be seeing me through clear eyes. A woman's first man tends to have a strong impact on her, positive or negative, and I have a few confidence issues after my last relationship, and it has got me constantly worried that when the shine wears off, she is going to wander off.

It does not help that, given the way in which my last relationship ended, I have some HORRIBLE jealousy issues to work through. My girlfriend has a large bevy of male friends, always has, just as I have many female friends. I trust her absolutely, and never for a second have believed I had to worry about her cheating on me, but it still makes me bristle whenever she is spending time hanging out with another man. Making things worse, I know that my feelings are irrational, given my trust in her, so I feel like I am going insane, being childish, or both.

I have spoken to her about these things, and she has offered to cut back on socializing, but I do NOT want to change her that way. That said, I don't want to have to wrestle with the green monster anymore either, especially given that it's an unfamiliar, unpleasant feeling for me. Do you know of some healthy things I can do to try and get my worries about our relationship under control? I realize it's all in my head, but I am afraid that my inability to let it go may very well destroy the happiest time of my life with a woman I love very, very deeply.

Whether you are able to respond or not, it felt really good to type this, and if I do hear back, thank you in advance.

A:
You are right to be concerned that when you spoke to her about your jealousy she agreed to cut back on socializing. That's not a healthy response for either of you. If the question was simply that you want to spend more time with her, that's a reasonable one to address and see if she agrees. But anything other than that smells of coercion, and that plants a bad seed in the relationship.

While both members of a couple can, and should, have their own friends, I think it's worth trying to mix it up and see if some of her friends can also be your friends and vice versa. Arrange some very casual get-togethers, either in small or large groups. At the very least, you should get to know each others' friends even if you don't become friends with them yourselves.

Please realize that if you truly trusted her, you would no more be jealous of time she spends with male friends than with female friends. The fact is that you do not have complete trust.

If you will not see a therapist (which I would recommend), you'll have to work this out by yourself, and perhaps you'll just need more time. You need to recognize that each person and each relationship is different. Live the one you are in day by day and don't focus on what might happen down the line. Yes, she may leave you. But you may leave her. Or you may grow old together. It's really never possible to know, so why sweat it?

Give yourself permission to be happy.

Advice: Like a Virgin

Q:
I'm an 18 going on 19 virgin and masturbate constantly just by rubbing my clit. I'm afraid that penetration will break my hymen and my future first time will not believe I'm a virgin. The guy I like is actually younger than me but good Lord; he is the most erotic being on the face of the planet! The two days before Valentines day I licked the head of his penis. Mind you I was terrified, I don't know why, but I am terrified of penises, but desperately want this gentleman to fuck my brains out. What's a girl to do? I want him to be my first. How do I seduce him so he can't get me out of his head? (Pun intended)

A:
I think if he's already let you lick his penis, there's not much you'll need to do to seduce him. I would caution you that if your "gentleman" is under 18 you could find yourself charged with statutory rape. I also think it's way past the time that anyone should be hung up about whether a woman is a virgin or not.

Advice: I love big butts!

Q:
I love doggie style, but my wife has a big butt, and I'm not that big. how do I get her?

A:
How do you get her what? Typically, doggie style is a great way to get deep penetration. But there are different ways to do it from her up on all fours, to her head and arms flat on the bed that will create different angles of, um, attack for you. I would just keep trying adjustments until you find that angle. You may want to try it with her at the edge of the bed and you standing.

Advice: Uncle Crush?

Q:
Ok, i have a question, but am not really sure how to put it.

I am 18 and am bi, and i have a major attraction towards my uncle who i live with,
there have been times (such as australia day) when someones bought up the topic hooking up and he's gone, "there's nobody but my niece and i'm not gonna do that".

Does this mean he's thought about it?

please help me...i'm so confused..

A:
Sounds like perhaps he has thought about it. Good for him that he says he won't act on it. Bad that he has said that aloud.

Don't know how it works in Australia, but in the States, you are sexually of age at 18 and can do what you wish, as can your uncle. However, it sounds as if he's been acting as a parent. Blood relation aside, he is in a position of trust and in my opinion it would not be healthful for you to have a romantic or sexual relationship. You may simply be experiencing a crush based on proximity.

Go out, meet boys your age. Do not act of your attraction to your uncle or tempt him to do so. Make sure you are doing something useful in your life such as school or a job, and try to meet guys there.

Advice: Does an age difference matter?

Q:
Well I do not know where to start but I will give it a go. I am 26 (nearly 27 !) and I have started dating a man who is 38.

We met on a dating website and really got attracted to each other. However, we both had doubt about the age difference and did not see each other for a few weeks. However it did not last and we decided to date each other for good, I am comfortable with him but still I feel a bit lost regarding sexual behaviour ...

He is very different from all the other blokes i have been out with. He is a bit sex mad (well just like any men, he likes to mention it and have a joke about it) but in bed he gets rather tired quickly according to me ...I do not want to be rude nor mean but I thought that he would have more experience and more "stamina" than me.

Otherwise it is just that he is actually ...shy. Lots of people talk about sex and do dirty jokes ..but it does not mean they feel comfy in bed isn`t it?

My problem is : I do not know how to talk about it. I am sexually ...open-minded and not that shy usually. But with that guy I do not know what to say nor how to behave (i do not want him to think that I am a bit too naughty ...or too passive). I really do not know how to behave and what to say.

I really enjoy having sex with him, but we seem to struggle a bit. Is it because it is a new relationship? (I had slept with the same lad for 2 years ...so it was a kinda of a challenge for me really!)

Is age affecting your sexual ability and desire? How can I help him having better sex life with (he never said he did not enjoy it, quite the opposite but it does not look like it.) without appearing too mean, naughty or rude?

He is such a lovely guy and he has got everything I have ever wanted ...there is only that problem that I can`t handle.

A:
I feel you are over-thinking this. How to handle this and what to say is to just say what's on your mind. Don't worry about seeming too naughty or the opposite; just be yourself. Now, do it kindly and lovingly, but be straight with him as you have been with me.

Age does affect stamina and sexual performance, however from where I sit, 38 ain't that old. You indeed may just be noticing the difference between the average guy in his 20s and a fellow near 40. And, every individual is different. But it's also possible your guy is out of shape or has some other medical issue that is sapping his energy. His blue talk may be a cover for what he himself senses is inadequacy in the sack. It's also not fair for you to expect he'd have more experience just because he's older. I had sex with only one woman until I was his age and then was cast out into the dating market for the first time since I was 17, so imagine my lack of experience! As well, not every guy is so much a sex fiend, but may feel they have to act like they are.

So tell him you love having sex with him. Tell him your desires and ask how he feels about them. Do this when you're not in bed! Ask him what he wants most from your sex life together. Do this over a nice cup of tea, when you're both relaxed.